Dear Little Autumn

Dear Little Autumn,
I thought we should take some time to reconnect. I see you eating that tub full of butter on the kitchen counter, and I just want to pinch your cheeks. You should also know that in about 5 minutes you'll turn into a total narcoleptic, take off all your clothes and fall asleep on the counter. But it's ok. You're only four and still cute. Anyways. I thought we should take a little time. To tell you some things. About what life will be. 

You're going to go through some hard things, and you're going to go through them alone. And that's okay. Because you will make it through them. You're going to grow up really quickly because of certain situations, and then in college you'll get to breath a little easier and sink back into a spirit of fun. It seems a little backwards, growing up hard and then having childlike, care-free times, but that's the way it is for you. Then more hard things will come, and every time they do you'll forget how strong you were the last time. Don't forget.
Remember that the good Lord gives you the strength to bear what you need, when you need it. Not before, not after. His strength will come in so swift and strong and overbearing that it will not be for weeks after you've survived the storm that you can even identify how you made it through. It is through this strength that you're able to keep going, no matter how much life throws at you. So be grateful.  You're going to be the only Catholic in your family, but this will not surprise you. You always thought for yourself and did you own thing, regardless. You still won't understand makeup, and you'll only start trying to blend eyeshadows when you're 22. You'll be the only one to go away for college and the only one to move out of the state, but again -- this will not surprise you.

Little Autumn, you're going to date some really bad people. Really bad. I wish I could hold your hand through it all, but I can't. And in these times -- in all times -- remember that you are the strongest, most resilient, bendy person I know. You flex when it's necessary, you adapt to your surroundings and you always come out the other side. No matter how many people cause you anguish, I know in the end that you have an unwavering capacity to forgive and love. You always try again. So hold on to that.  I laugh now when I think of our response when interviewers ask us why we want to work with children, what is our favorite part about them. And we've always responded, "because they're the most resilient little things. No matter what life throws at them, they pop right back up with the capacity to love and trust again. They're always willing to try again for that human connection." Don't you see? That's what I like best about you. 

Well little Autumn, I think it's time for us to part. I love you to the moon and back and I hope you know that while you're busy growing up I'm here in the future fighting to become the woman we'll be proud of. Tooth and nail, just for you. I promise to try a little better and a little harder. 
If you could write a letter to yourself, past, present or future--what would you say? Write a letter to yourself and link up below!

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Cheers to You

Here's the thing. A long time ago, I wrote how I wanted to be more honest on this blog. Because when I'm not honest, I tend to just not write at all and that's unfortunate because I do love writing. Because when I'm not honest, I tend to write...6 posts per month? Wowza. 
A few weeks ago, I asked readers what they wanted to hear about on The Unreal Life. And a few of you commented, "just more about what's going on in your life. What have you been doing?" And I just really genuinely could not answer that. Looking back, the past two-ish months have been filled with some of the most ridiculous highs and lowest lows I can remember in my life. Not the hardest, and not the happiest. I'm merely commenting on the frequency of these two extremes. It just seems that for the longest time now, it's been back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. 
Last night, I had to email a professor back about how I hadn't been able to turn around a conference attendance application quick enough. And I stumbled over the words. Because the truth was, I couldn't do it because I just had too much personal shit going on then to do anything but the bare minimum academic wise. But there's not a good way to type that. There's not a good way to type, I was busy holding my shit together.
But sometimes isn't that all you want to type? And sometimes isn't that the only justification you need? Life happens. Shit happens. And sometimes, holding yourself together and getting through it all without losing your ever loving mind is all the accomplishment you need. 

So I made a list. A list of all the unexpected, unplanned, mental, physical and emotional events (both good and bad) that have categorized my month of extremes.  Job interviews Fellowship interviews Job searching Weighing choices Doctor's appointments Sickness Babies Surgeries Engagements Moving news Start of a new fellowship Breaking up Dealing with a manic-depressive Dealing with a psycho Work issues Coming back together Coming maybe not back together
And on and on. All while attending graduate school full-time, completing all assignments, and working four nights per week. And general life maintenance--bills, showers, groceries.
Then I made a second list. A list of all the things I had dropped the ball on while dealing with these other things. Guess how many things made that list? Four. FOUR. And one of them was a freaking coffee date. So that only counts like half. Guys, I cut myself no slack during this time. I had a huge influx of things drawing my attention, and I just stepped up more. And when I looked at it that way, I felt good.
I held my shit together. 
To be truthful: sometimes during this past month my version of "cutting myself slack" was to give myself timed periods throughout the day to crawl back under the covers and just close my eyes. Not to sleep. I just wanted total blackness. I'd set my alarm for 5 minutes. And then I'd go back to facing everything. But this Sunday during one of my little mental health breaks in the total dark, I thought this isn't enough anymore. I felt my mojo coming back. I didn't just want to survive, I wanted to excel. I wanted to be productive and in charge and confident about pushing my life where I wanted it to go. 
All this to say, I hope I can maintain that feeling throughout the week. Because Lord knows this to-do list is not one that can be pushed back. 
And for you who made it through this whole post, cheers to you! And hopefully more than one of you is nodding her head and saying "Me too! Me too!" CHEERS TO YOU TOO. If you've been a ball of stress or going through crazy things, take that time to pat yourself on the back. Because holding yourself together IS an accomplishment, and it's okay to give ourselves credit for that. We're so busy always chasing for the next thing we can put on a resume and move on from, that sometimes we're scared to reduce it to the simple things. You made it. Cheers. Cheers to everyone.
Anyone else feel this? What's something you'd like to give yourself a pat on the back  for accomplishing in the past month?