DATING DISASTERS // DUI Guy

This, ladies and gentleman, is what you should NOT do when someone calls you back to set up a time to go on a first date. Keep in mind throughout this story, that I do not know this kid and have only spoken to him for all of 30 minutes in a bar.
ME: Oh hi, this is Autumn. Just calling you back from your voicemail  about setting up a time for dinner. How's it going? DUI GUY: Oh hey Autumn! Good to hear from you! *Insert deep sigh* It's goin'... ME: Umm... DUI GUY: Yeah, just a bad, bad, very bad day.  ME: Oh, umm... I'm so sorry to hear that. What's wrong?  DUI GUY: Well, you know how after your sister and you left the bar,  I said I was going to go to another bar for a little bit?  ME: Yes. DUI GUY: Well, I did. And then when I went to leave that bar,  a cop pulled out behind me and... it's just really stressful, ya know? ME: Umm, yeah. That... sucks? DUI GUY: Yeah, just super stressful.  ME: So what happened?

DUI GUY: Well, obviously I went to jail. 

Alright. Let's hold the phone. OBVIOUSLY? What part of this story so far falls into "obviously"?!?! Am I supposed to now assume that every guy who asks me out is going to end up in jail first, obviously? Or that every time a cop follows someone it leads to jail, obviously? What about this is 'obviously'? 


ME: Oh... umm... DUI GUY: So yeah, now I'm just like super stressed out, ya know. Like I don't know, ya know?  Like I don't want to lose my job, or my house.  ME: I don't think that's how it works... DUI GUY: Has this ever happened to you? Or someone you know?  Cuz if I could talk to someone who's been through this, that'd be great...


Hey, here's an opening line that's never, ever worked: "Can I talk to you about your DUI experience?" What the.... Charles Manson had a better first conversation than this kid. And again, I DON'T KNOW YOU (and no, I do not have DUI experience anyways). 

DUI GUY: Yeah, just so stressful. I just really don't need this right now. Really, really don't need this right now.

I'm sorry, is there anyone who DOES need this right now? Find me the person running around the streets being like, "hey, you know what would help me right now? A DUI!" NOBODY NEEDS A DUI. Also, "not right now" implies that if you did have to get one, there would be a more optimal time to get one. When is the more optimal time to get a DUI? Please, riddle me that one, DUI Guy. 
So, kids, let this be a lesson: Don't drink and drive. And if you do, don't drink, drive and discuss a first date. Just chalk that one off as a loss and go to your court hearing. 
(No but seriously, when is the optimal time to get a DUI?)

Universal Rules of a Good Break Up

To me, there are two of the most uncomfortable feelings in the world: getting a call about a job you didn't get, and break ups. Or in other words, rejection makes me all sorts of uncomfortable. Like "Oh no I'm going to the dentist in the middle of the day and forgot to brush my teeth after lunch" uncomfortable. Like "Oh man I'm stuck in a room alone with a creepy high school teacher who gives lingering shoulder pats" uncomfortable. Like "Oh God they're playing that girl's interview on The Bachelor about how in love she is but I already read the spoilers and know she's going home in 2 minutes and is really, really going to regret saying this" uncomfortable. Like "Oh shit, my boss just got back from a meeting with the director of a corporation I applied to last night and I hope she hasn't seen my resume or recognized my name yet" uncomfortable. 
Got it?
Break ups are uncomfortable. 
However, I think that if the following rules (suggestions) were followed, we could eliminate much awkward feelings! Let us explore the universal rules of a good break up (to be read in the voice of Jane Austen or Helen Mirren for ultimate effect). 

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"It is a universal rule of a good break up much acknowledged and accepted world-wide, that the following suggestions and regulations shall be observed in good faith by the two parties involved in a break up:
ONE: THOU SHALT GIVE A REASON FOR CALLING. Thoust shall not feel any shame for occassionally breaking into the temptation of a phone call, but THOUST SHALL GIVE A REASON. The reason may be as complex as "we need to talk" or as simple as "fuck I'm drunk," but thoust shall give a reason. Thoust shall not cause unnecessary anxiety to the other party by refusing to give a reason, and leaving them wondering whether you are between the parallels of 'thinking about getting back together' or 'drunk' or 'dead, see me in morgue.' 
TWO: THOU SHALT HAVE ONE HUMAN MOMENT OF CONFESSION. Thoust shall have one moment in said break up where both parties have a mutual human moment of confession, saying "This is hard" (or similar feelings as per the parties involved). Thoust shall recognize this does not mean thy are reuniting, but merely acknowledging the biggest, smallest thing of all -- thine parties are both humans with feelings. Thoust are not robots engaged in a system reset, thoust arst humans. 
THREE: THOU SHALT MAINTAIN BREAK UP ROLES. The instigator shall maintain the instigator role and the other the 'not so sure/bereaved' role, with the reversal of roles allowed at least once but no more than three times during the course of the break up. Otherwise, you will probably not end up actually breaking up. 
FOUR: THOU SHALT ACKNOWLEDGE THERE IS ONLY ONE SOURCE OF HEALING. And that is time. So do not excessively drink, eat ice cream, flirt, party, kiss a unicorn, etc etc etc in search of other options. Thou shalt not cause more emotional and physical harm to thineself in search of getting over the other party by excess of other activities. Thou shalt wait for time to do it's thang. 
FIVE: TO THINE OWN SELF GIVE GRACE. See above, rule 4. As time ist not thy quickest friend, thoust shall to thine own self give grace. Thy may see progress, and then end up breaking down in the cheese aisle of the grocery store or a park with a skunk or something. Give yourself grace. 
///

What break up rules would you add to Dame Helen's list?

How to Recycle Your Old Love Letters // #CuratedLove

Recently, I was gathering up old love letters for my friend Alaina to use in her Art Prize piece #CuratedLove. Similar to last year, she is gathering up old love letters from hundreds of people and going to make a sweet ass art piece out of it and cover a bridge in love letters. While gathering these letters, I couldn't help but reminisce... and laugh (a lot), and smile, and then laugh even more. There are some good memories attached to these letters. While I was sorting through them, it came to me how each letter reflected the tone or characteristic of the relationship. Which was weird (hindsight, and reminiscing with wine, is 20/20). And I mean, the very physicality of the letters directly correlates to how the relationship was -- the letter's length, handwriting, frequency, ery'thing. Not just their content, but the literal, physical, tangible letter. ____________
The Steady Ones
The year before I went to college (so the year after I graduated high school, gap year, kgotitmovingon), I had a long-distance relationship that was pretty much solely based on letter-writing. We rarely talked on the phone, and instead I was left with a collection of 20+ multi-page letters that tracked our relationship's progression. You can see how they changed, because as we grew more comfortable with each other, they got a little less formal. You start seeing doodles in the margins, and multiple dates in one letter as we wrote, fell asleep, and picked it up the next day. 

It's safe to say that for the first few months after this relationship ended, I had a permanent lump in my throat every time I went to the mailbox. However, these letters very, very much reflect the relationship: measured, slow, tight (he had very tight handwriting, and he also very closely 'guarded his heart' as those Kids call it). 

These letters reflect our relationship. Intentional, steady, slow.  ____________
The Bright Burst
I only have one love letter from this relationship, which was the longest official one. But even this, to me, reflects the relationship overall: so many times where it was a bright burst of right, against a multitude of 'just not hitting the spot.' There was a lot of love, but we never were very good at communicating it the right way for the other person. 

The letter itself is so endearing, and the person who wrote it was endearing too. So to me, this letter and our relationship match by being: a bright burst, so much trying, and a lot of comic relief (shoutout to the Triple R's who plan romantic getaways to Toledo, am I right?). 

____________
The Chaotic One
This one is written in the margins of a piece of paper you found on my desk, and I didn't even find it until a week later. It's messy and jumbled and chaotic, written with a rushed hand. I am confident there is no one else in the world who could read your handwriting. It's a letter that was meant for my eyes and my eyes only, written on your way out the door while I lay warm and ambivalent and half awake in bed.

This letter mirrors our relationship: Hidden. Combustible. Chaotic. Incomprehensible. Rushed. Passionate.  ____________
The Forgotten One
Aaaaand then I found a pack of 20 letters from someone I didn't even remember dating soooooo..... bitch moment, right there. Oops. From his letters, he sounds like a good guy, just not for me. I can only handle someone calling me a "daughter of God which was given to them to protect" so many times before I lose my shit. Lose. My. Shit.  These letters were: drawn out, old school (old school handwriting, old school language, old school emotions) aaaaand.... unappreciated. I didn't appreciate the letters and I didn't appreciate him. Ya win some ya lose some and even better -- ya let some go.  ____________


If you are interested in joining the #CuratedLove party, you can! Send your old love letters here and Alaina will use them to cover an entire bridge.  I'm so excited to see the final results I could pee myself. 
What's the best and worst love letter you've ever gotten?

5 Questions Not To Ask on a First Date

It turns out that I'm a pretty big bitch on first dates (aka first weeks and first months of talking to anyone new). First Date Autumn is amuck with pet peeves, and pretty much everything is a pet peeve to First Date Autumn. The same thing that bugs First Date Autumn will not bug Fifth Date Autumn. In fact, Fifth Date Autumn will probably ask all five of these questions -- and 27 more -- that First Date Autumn felt were nails-on-chalkboard, jeopardizing-a-second-date questions. 
But. I'm starting to like First Date Autumn. Her constant annoyance at everything is a pretty good barrier for assholes and nice guys alike, so she's doing a pretty good job keeping me from getting into any future harmful (or beautiful) relationships. Here are 5 questions First Date Autumn hates, and thinks that you should hate too. In fact, First Date Autumn recommends removing these questions from your next first date.

Don't make your date throw this face,

avoid these 5 questions today!

1. What do you normally order here? WTF. First of all, if I confess that I have a "usual" I look like someone who doesn't like being adventurous. Or, if I admit I don't have a "usual" I look like a commitment phobe. Cool. 
Also, this just rubs me the wrong way. Like when somebody suggests you like something, or your parents try to shove youth group or, later, Christian Mingle down your throat. You just automatically start resisting. So now, because you have implied that I have a "usual," I'm going to go third-grade-brat-style on you and order something completely opposite just to prove to myself that I can order whatever I damn well please. This will end in disaster because now I'm going to be a hangry bitch because I'll order something I never normally would eat just to prove a point. 
2. Are you close with your parents?  That's where you wanna go with this first date, really? Bite me.
3. When was your last relationship?  This question is just a passive-aggressive, shielded way of saying "how mentally and emotionally fucked up are you, so that I can thereby judge whether you're emotionally stable enough to start a new relationship or whether this is just a rebound fling?" 
First of all, that question actually tells you something. "When was your last relationship" tells you nothing beyond a numerical answer which you will arbitrarily judge as either good enough or a flight risk. It doesn't matter how long ago my past relationship was, it matters how ready I am for a fresh start. It could have been two days ago, to a nice, but just-not-magical-enough-in-the-spark-department. If I tell you two days, you'll think I'm a serial dater (true story, this has happened to me). It could have been a year ago, to a total abusive dickwad fucker. If I tell you a year ago, you'll think something's wrong with me (true story, this also has happened to me). 
4. Do you have a list? I have a list of things I'd rather be doing than be on this date, yeah. 
This question may also masquerade as "what is most important to you in a relationship" or "what do you look for in a relationship" or "what qualities really turn you off." I dare you to find one person who asks this question and then honestly replies "Oh shit, honesty is important to you? And monogamy? Good thing I asked -- I'm actually super into cheating! Let's just get the check and leave before this goes any further." Find me that person and I will date the fuck out of them give them a high-five for honesty.
5. Why are you still single? Well, if I weren't still single we wouldn't be here on this date soooooo... 
Also, this question sounds like something my Grandma asks me every time I am dumb enough to answer the phone. So now, I'm thinking about my Grandma. And no man wants the girl they're on a date with to be picturing dinner with their Grandma. 

Here's a good rule of thumb -- If it's a question your Grandma would ask you on the phone, don't ask it on a first date.
Are there any questions that just rub you the wrong way? I'd love to hear them, and mock them.

How to Win at Tinder

Once upon a time, Breakfast Lover and I were in the worst class possible. The. Worst. And every week for 3 hours, he would have nothing to do but try to find ways to entertain me so I would stop bugging him to entertain me (don't you all want to be my friend now?). After a few months of this, we found something that was good for at least 30-40 minutes of entertainment: watching each other (don't get pervy) go through Tinder. We wanted to see how a guy approached it vs. how a girl approached it. It was actually quite interesting (or at least, more interesting than the professor #luvyouPricilla).

Quickly, I'd lose interest and set my phone down. And then it would start lighting up. New match. New match. New Match. Blah. Blah. Blah.

"What the fuck?!" Breakfast Lover would say. "How are you already getting matches?"

"This is not rocket science, this is Tinder."

"You literally just got more matches in 5 minutes than I've gotten in the past 5 months. HOW DO YOU DO THIS?!"

First of all, if a guy friend is ever desperate enough to ask you for advice on how to use Tinder more effectively, that's probably not the advice he really needs. He probably needs a pep talk and some workbooks on increasing self-esteem and not-putting-validation-in-things-that-dont-matter and finally, how-to-date-in-person-with-real-live-people-and-not-in-an-app-designed-for-hookups. But, after giving BL all these lectures and more (sorry for interupting class, #luvyouPricilla), he still wanted to know how he could be better at Tinder.

And this is what I told him. Which I will now share with you all. You're welcome.

TIP 1: PUT YOUR CELEBRITY SPIRIT ANIMAL IN YOUR PROFILE DESCRIPTION.
Celebrities are a common way we can relate. "Oh he looks like Bradley Cooper" (swipe right). "Oh he's funny like Aziz" (swipe right). "Oh he looks like that Park and Recs guy who does Nascar commercials" (swipe left).

If you put your celebrity spirit animal in your profile, it allows you to say more without saying more -- ya dig? For example, I put Mindy Kaling because she is most like me and also someone I admire. She is a #girlboss who makes no apologies for her hot mess dating life, smart as fuck, and the Queen of Sass. As the Official Queen of Sass, I appreciate this.

The point is, someone can read "I like Mindy Kaling" in my profile, and they know all these things that I like: #girlboss(es), sass, comedy, smart people. And if they don't know who she is... then they swipe left. Good riddance!

TIP 2: VARIATE TECHNIQUES.
Too many people are using Tinder for too many things. From hook ups to actual relationships, there's just something for everyone on the magical land of Tinder (see 'Queen of Sass,' above).


I used a two-prong approach: sometimes I would take it seriously, and sometimes I would use it exactly the way it was intended -- flipping through photos with absolutely no care for their profile description and solely judging them based on looks. Now BL, he would read every profile. Every. Damn. Profile. And flip through every photo. No. Ain't nobody got time for that shit. He refused the Tinder method of judging based on looks because he "wanted something serious" and thought that was "vain."

Here's the deal. If you do not occasionally play Tinder the way Tinder was designed to be played, the Tinder Gods will not reward you with matches. That's all.

TIP 3: TALK ABOUT EGGS.
I had a 100% first-date success rate with matches who I spoke to about my love of hardboiled eggs. Truth.


TIP 4: NO PROFILE PHOTO? NO PROFILE DESCRIPTION? EVEN BETTER.
Embrace that challenge! Guys, I promise you -- if they didn't write anything in their profile, it's not because they're married or hiding something... they just didn't have time or don't take it too seriously. It's totally safe to meet up with them! 

TIP 5: TINDER IS TRUTH.
If you compiled Tinder profile descriptions and analyzed them, Americans would look like the most adventurous, outdoors-y people ever who spend all their time hiking and traveling*. Take this to heart! This is true! Everything they put in their profile should be read as absolute truth.You should then feel immense guilt about not being more of a hiker or world-traveler, and try to get them to meet up with you so they can spread their hiking and traveling knowledge. Because if anything, Tinder proved that you don't get outside enough and your life is a failure.


-----

In summary: talk about eggs, take every profile legit dead serious and swipe left for dog photos.

No but seriously, the only way to win on Tinder is to get off Tinder. OFF.

*I guarantee that photo is the only time they've ever gone hiking or snorkeling with sharks. Give me a break.

The Last Lesson From Your Lover

Write about us. Write about us. When the voices won't stop echoing through my head, I know it is time to do the only thing I know how to do to make them shut up: write. Write about us. 
This should probably be handwritten on paper, and not typed for the world to see on the internet. But paper is slow and typing is fast and you like this and I like pleasing you too much. So here we are.
The last lesson. A moratorium of sorts, and the only way I know how to "end things well" -- with words. I always did need to say a thing too many times in too many ways before finally getting to the end. Go Shakespeare on me, one last time.

-------------------------------------------------------------
Lesson One: Find a Cheerleader
Find a lover who is more vocally proud (publicly, privately, whatever floats your boat) of your greatest achievement than even you are. Find a champion, not a savior -- this, this is the thing. Someone who will never let you forget how far you came -- because you worked really hard. They want to celebrate what you accomplished -- and there is such beauty in that celebration of the individual spirit, that combined makes a stronger whole. So pick a cheerleader. Not a doting fool, not a self-centered, faux-selfless savior.    Find someone who is so proud of what you did, and who will remind you when you forget or are down or discouraged (or feeling too proud) so that you are always ready to take that next step for yourself.
Lesson Two: The Beauty's in the Want
When I first met you, I think it's safe to say I was obsessed with marriage. Several friends and family members could testify to my willingness to give up several limbs in any combination if only I could be married. Oh the hours I wasted in anxious worry and self-induced guilt. And then I met you. And I fell. And you were always so damn busy*. 

You asked me once to write about (God I'll miss that) how it was to date someone who was always busy**. And I said I couldn't, because I didn't know how yet. But somewhere along the way, while not necessarily figuring out "how," I think I figured out at least why.

Dating someone who was constantly busy*** reaffirmed my own independent strength in a way relationships never had before.

I have always been a strong individual. This is not something I question. And yet, whenever I entered relationships all the strength I carried in my other interactions just melted out the door.

I'm pretty used to getting my way in relationships and having someone who dotes on my every move and is constantly available to me. And the thing about dating someone who is busy****/unavailable, isn't that they don't care any less than someone who isn't as busy/unavailable, they're just busy. And after a while, I started to filter things through the mindset of 'given that I know they only have limited X amount of time to text/call/speak through the day, what is actually the most important thing I want to get across in that limited time?'

Let's give an example.

When I start dating someone, I am the type of person who tells them everything. Car made a weird noise? Tell them. Coffee was cold? Tell them. Weird student loan bill? Tell them. Spent hours walking through a graveyard? Tell them. That was always my instinct -- tell them, tell them, tell them. And then I would get reaffirmed when they texted back.

Here's the thing. Dating a busy person forced me to get better at identifying what I really needed at that moment. Car made a weird noise? Call a mechanic. Unexplainable jump in student loan bill? WTF. He didn't even have student loans, call your loan officer. I slowly got better at thinking what do I really need at this moment? Sometimes I needed a mechanic, sometimes I needed a loan officer... a best friend to talk things through or a niece to make me laugh. Now I'm not saying your partner shouldn't listen, comfort, console, make you laugh, talk, etc. But, that's a lot of expectations to put on one person. And, I am perfectly capable of calling a mechanic. And, just because I am not sharing the experience (by talking about it, doing it, blah blah) with the Man Friend does not negate the goodness/badness/validity of the experience. I think that was what was most key for me to learn. I used to think, everything will be better when I have a husband. Bad days will be better and grocery shopping will be better and laughing will be louder and blah blah blah. 

But that's not true. I still had a good time -- or a bad time -- whether I texted him 24/7 or saw him 24/7 either way. The experience was still the experience because it was mine. And somewhere in there I realized... the beauty's in the want. In the wanting to share that.

(THIS IS WHERE I GET TO THE POINT) === Essentially, what I'm saying is this. Person A texts you and asks you what you had for lunch. You answer. Person B texts you and asks you what you had for lunch. You scream, throw the phone into the passenger seat, and wonder 1) Who the fuck cares what you ate? and 2) Why does it matter.

The difference is in the want. 

And there is beauty in the want. And there is contentment in waiting for the right person who you want to share things with. Lunch was fine, with or without Person A or B. Lunch was mine. Lunch will happen either way. And one day, you'll find someone who doesn't make you scream when they ask you what's for lunch.

Does anybody get what I'm saying? That was a long ass paragraph. The point is... dating someone who was busy***** made me get better at maintaining my own independence while looking forward to sharing the little things.

And for now that's all I'm saying. 

For now.

   

*Busy: Not to be confused with married. 

**Busy: Not to be confused with married.  

***Busy: Not to be confused with married.   

****Busy: Not to be confused with married.  

*****Busy: Not to be confused with married.  

5 Apologies You Should Make in a Break Up

Break ups are hard. We get it. But there's a way to ease that pain, sugar, with five simple apologies you should be making in a break up.  Have you stopped to pinpoint where the source of post-breakup discomfort is coming from? In the midst of apologizing to former loved ones, have you taken the time to apologize to former loved things? That's right kids, both inanimate and animate objects deserve your apologies during this time! So if you're still feeling an overwhelming source of angst and anxiety, check in with those inanimate objects around you. Their angst over not being apologized to could be leading to a negatively-charged environment. Would Jesus want your Catholic guilt limited to just human relationships? No! Spread that love with the world of inanimate objects too!  With just five simple apologies, you could be well on the way to emotional rejuvenation -- thanks, things!

Dear Phone: Soon, we will return to the easy companionship we used to know -- late night scroll-fests through Twitter. Laughing together at the latest ugly baby photos on IG. My hand misses the soft warmth of your constant weight as well, so I will send it your condolences. But for now... it's back on silent and into the drawer you go. Lo siento, baby. 
Dear Running Shoes: I know you must think I'm overworking you, but think how I feel... I know you were enjoying your life of leisure, but every vacation must come to an end. Time to get to work. 
Dear Bed: In. Out. In. Out. I know, you are frustrated by my inability to make up my mind! I am too. I'm sorry for the confusion I have caused you with my indecision. I look forward to resuming normal sleeping/napping patterns soon. I'm sorry. 
Dear Downstairs Neighbor: I apologize for the amount of late-night redecorating and furniture moving I've been doing lately. All my furniture will stay in one spot now, I solemnly promise. 
Dear Snapchat: I apologize for abusing your Story feature lately. I know, I know. I should have never put you in the middle of this. You're right. You are far superior to a Tony told Abby to tell Sarah -- but not tell Sarah Tony told Abby tell Sarah -- that he said but didn't say situation. I love you, Sally Snapchat Story. 

Who else should you be apologizing to in a break up?

Move Over, Carrie: On Second Chances

I remember the day he said it. The light thumb finger pressing against my chin, both pushing me away and pulling me closer at the same time. That familiar movement used for too wide an array of scenarios -- for gently scolding children and puppies, for encouraging loved ones, for inspiring perseverance. That. 

"And that is your problem Autumn. You always believe in someone's ability to become better. You're always giving second chances, unlimited hope in their potential."

And that analysis struck me. Deep. It hit a chord because it was... true. I give infinite second chances. For as long as I can remember, I have been the champion of second chances and endless encouragement. Friend, family, boyfriend, stranger... it doesn't matter who they are or what their relation is to me, I always believe in their ability to become the absolute best version of themselves. I am the girlfriend at the door after the second missed date, worrying about their day at work. I am the stranger on the street corner, worrying whether my donation to the homeless man who just chatted me up was enough. I am the daughter at the dinner table, reminding my mother after a long day of work with kids that there is such hope there, they'll get better.
What hit me most about what he said, about this supposed flaw of endless hope in individuals, was that this is precisely what made me really, really good in my chosen professional career. This belief in individuals to rise above, to make their own happiness no matter what they may have previously done, propelled me to nonprofit work. It propels me to not give up hope, no matter how many articles or books I read on the many, many problems within the word. It's the thing that keeps me from getting overwhelmed when so many others look around and say but where do you even start.

However, the thing that makes me strong within my profession is the very thing that makes me weak in my personal relationships.

For no matter how many times a person fails me, disappoints me, hurts me, or lies to me, there is always that voice in the back of my head that says they can be better, they can be better. Every time, I am convinced that person will be better -- that they will recognize their own flaws, and be moved to change them. Not for me. But for themselves, for their futures.
And they don't.
In fact, I don't think I can find a single example  of when these second chances actually resulted in change. 
And yet the voice in my head, the breath in my soul keeps speaking.... they can be better, they can be better, they can be better. Just believe. 

This things that makes me so strong at work, it kills me at home.

It's that old adage... your greatest strength is also your greatest weakness. How often have we been trained to spin that interview question into a strength until there are really no weaknesses, just humble strengths? What is your greatest weakness? No no we say... I'm working on it, and it's really just a strength in the making. I'll be stronger, because I had to work for it.

Is there a dichotomy between your work-self and personal-self? Do you have something that makes you kill it at work, but alternately kills you at home? How many second chances do you give?

Mitten Pride

If you read my blog yesterday, you know that for a while now I've been in this awkward "transition" period oh wait that's called 20something life in general. Now that all the right things have been tied up neatly on my end, I'm so happy that I can finally share with you the big change coming my way:

I'M MOVING BACK TO MICHIGAN!

I am SO excited to get back and get going on this next adventure called grad school! 
For your daily dose of Unreal awkwardness, please visit the lovely Patricia over at Kisses and Croissants. She's put together an awesome Throwback Thursday post about "The Craziest Thing You've Done for Love." Some of them are crazy stupid, some are crazy romantic...either way, they're all such a fun idea. So. Want to know what the dumbest thing I've done for love is? Here's a hint: it involves one of my favorite things ever, road tripping. Go check it out!

[Guest Post] Worst Dating Advice

Hello Unreal Life Fans!

I'm Patricia and Kisses & Croissants is my little corner of the internet. Autumn is really awesome and was nice enough to give me the opportunity to guest post. I'm an American girl who studied abroad in college, fell madly in love with a man who barely spoke English my first week there, and moved to France after graduation to marry that hunk. I sound kind of corny already, don't I? 

That's Us!

But before finding Mr. Right (know as Monsieur Right on the blog) my first few years of dating were pretty traumatizing. You know all those girls who complain because they can't find anyone who's looking for a serious relationship? I used to have the opposite problem. 

It all started at the ripe old age of 14, when I decided that I wanted a boyfriend so that I could hold hands with someone at the football games and not look lame. About two weeks into our little msn chat/hallway relationship, he started mentioning how excited he was to marry me one day soon and spend the rest of eternity by my side. The first time he said this, I thought he was just getting caught up in the moment. But a couple of weeks worth of love e-mails later, I realized he was dead serious. Obviously, I panicked and broke up with him (over e-mail, because I was super mature at 14 years old). 

This is my yearbook photo from that year. For the record, he should have known better. Anyone who still wears t-shirts saying "Bring Your Tiara - Princess Resort" is obviously not ready or mature enough to talk about getting married.

Contrary to my mother's wishes, I really loved being single. I liked going on adventures and doing whatever I wanted without worrying about how my actions would effect my boyfriend. I never felt the need to find my other half. I was already a whole person, all by myself.

But I'm sure as a single person, you have already noticed that some people really love giving terrible unsolicited advice. It's almost like singleness is a disease and your mom some people want to cure you as soon as possible. Let me tell you about some of the real gems of crap wisdom I received.

1. You should never turn someone down for a first date.

Everyone deserves a shot, right? Wrong, especially if he seems like he could be dangerous. This is the stupidest dating rule ever. Before I realized this, I went on at least 40 dates that I really didn't want to go on, because I didn't want to seem mean. 

If you're not sure if you're interested or not yet, then go for it. Dates are all about getting to know people better. But if you're dreading the date before it even starts, or you're already complaining about it to your girlfriends, do both of you a favor and just say "no." This way neither of you wastes your time or money.

2. If you have the opportunity to marry someone and you turn them down, God will punish you.

I wish I was joking, but I really had someone tell me that when I was 18. Good heavens. 18 and single. I might as well start investing in my cat collection. I'd had recently been on dates with a few too many commitment psychos in a row (including one who told me that I needed to stop eating shrimp if I was planning on popping out babies anytime soon) and announced that I was taking a break from dating. A friend of mine then gave me the above gem of wisdom, apparently was worried about how my salvation factored into this dating thing.

I'm a religious person, and all for believing that marriage is ordained of God. But God does not want you to be miserable. He doesn't want you to try to control your gag reflex every time you think of kissing your future husband.

3. Let him make the first move, or it will never last.

Let's just not even touch on the fact that this advice is old school and super sexist. Maybe he's too shy, or you're just super gorgeous, and it's intimidating. Contrary to what you may have heard, men are terrified of rejection. As long as you aren't making all the moves (while he runs in the opposite direction), you should be fine. Do you really want to date a pig guy who would turn down an awesome girl, just because she was a little gutsy?

I made the first move with my husband, and he was relieved. Apparently, he was afraid that the exotic American girl might reject him. (What can I say? Sometimes having a foreign accent comes with benefits.) I was actually a total chicken and had sent him a Facebook invite to a Pancake Party I was throwing, because I was too afraid to ask him face to face. Maybe it was the lamest move ever, but it totally worked.

Alright Unreal Life Fans, what is the worst dating advice you've ever received? 

Patricia

Kisses & Croissants

(Seriously...by this point I will have been locked in a hotel with my coworkers for five days. Tweet me the worst dating advice you've ever heard, I'll need a break from small talk! Love, Autumn)

#notdentist

Kids. 
I am here to talk about a very serious issue. 

The issue of #notdentist. We need to talk. As you know, I've recently discovered the joy of #livedating, otherwise known as #babe or #datestalking. But date stalking is not just a one way street. Oh no--it's a two way. I do not merely get stalked, I also occasionally...stalk. 

Let's start from the beginning. 

A co-worker and I (we'll call her...Sally...to protect her identity) were talking about the man manchild who is the unknowing star of #livedating. His profession (dentistry) came up as well as where he lives, where he went to school blah blah (these are normal kitchen questions, right? I don't sound creepy yet). We discovered that Sally knew an equally annoying male from the same dental school graduation class.   She asks me his name to see if it's the same person. Problem--I don't know his last name. Soon after this, she sends me a picture of the graduating dental class.

"Show me which one he is." (Oh please, don't pretend you've never shown your friend a Facebook picture of a total rando)

He's not there.

By everything he's told me about graduation dates, schooling, etc...he should be there. He's not there. 

So. We move to Plan B. He's told me 20gazillion times the name of his "dental partner." We do a quick web search (#JONUDGIES--that's no judgies, people) and pull up the practice's web page.

He's not there.

We go into full on stalker-mode (this is my dating life on the line, durr). I call the dental office. 

"Hi, a friend of mine referred me to Dr. XXXXX's partner but I just can't remember his last name. Can you tell me his name?"

"Dr. YYYYY."

"Noooo, it definitely started with an M....@#$@ (name protected) M something..."

"No one by that name works here."

He's not there.

We pull our friend Janey in, who used to work in investigative reporting. While Sally's first vote is to stalk Facebook, Janey's first move is straight to the sex offender and prisoner public records. 

He's not there.

Phew.

Finally, I am forced to confront him for maximum clarity revealing the situation. 

"What's your last name"

"You don't know my last name?"

"No."

"XXXX" (name protected)

Janey's expert stalking investigative reporting reveals:

Profession: lie

College history: lie

This, children, is how 20/20 starts. But thanks to my friends Sally, Janey and #livedating partner Amanda...this is how 20/20 ends. With a group of friends banding together, raising red flags of awareness. If you or a loved one you know is dating a "dentist" who lives at home, has more than 100,000 tweets (no lie), sends you possessive texts like "Dinner. Seven. I'll pick you up." when you had absolutely no plans with him and invites you on trips to Texas when you've known each other for 3 days--raise the red flag. 

                  

Together, we can protect each other. 

#livedating ROUND TWO

I cannot handle a Southern accent saying "darlin'." The end.

Everyone's favorite adventure returned. If you haven't caught up on the first round of #livedating, feel free to do so now. We can wait. All caught up? Buneos. 

Once again, I could not face my date alone. (This is a sign I need to stop making dates with this person, but once again...I am really bad at saying no.) This time, I recruited one of the original #livedating tweet-stars and her longtime boyfriend for #livedating: Double Date Edition. All three of us went to college together, so they are well aware of my shenanigans. 

First of all, I spent all day Saturday recovering from the Southerner. Ruff.

How do you survive a double date without alcohol? @alexmacroark I think I found my first negative consequence. #livedating

— Autumn Lee (@thejanklife) June 15, 2013

At fifteen minutes till, I still had not managed to pull my ass out of bed. My roommate yelled at me to "pull my shit together." So I did.

I don't always pull my shit together in 15 minutes, but when I do

I pray to the gods of Natural Beauty and hope for the best.

“@MikeKMorrison: Are you even alive @thejanklife? #livedating #babe cc:@AmandaKonarske” I'm here.

— Autumn Lee (@thejanklife) June 15, 2013

@MikeKMorrison @AmandaKonarske of course I'm not a total bitch. #livedating

— Autumn Lee (@thejanklife) June 15, 2013

You can see the full set of #livedating tweets on me tweeter, but since this is just a weekend update I'll stop now. Suffice to say, thank God for good food showing up and friends who live tweet for you. That was rough.

Nursery. Sex and the City marathon. New book. Reading. Repeat. Oh, and I guest blogged for Hang On, Honey on Your Incomplete Guide to Winery Games. If you haven't had a chance to check it out, please do! I worked really hard to come up with something good that I've gotten from my time dating assholes. Don't let me fall flat. 

XOXO,

Move Over, Carrie

A few weeks ago, I made the first move. And it was glorious. A perfect "wait, you too?!" moment. What ensued was two weeks worth of flirty texts and two-hour phone calls during road trips that make you remember just how fun it is to get the butterflies. And then.

Radio silence.

Last night, after a week's worth of radio silence, I sent out an SOS. A flirty, "to hell with it, I'll never see you again" text to check the waters again. Today (a full 24 hours later), I heard back from the fellow for the first time in over a week.

"Sorry for being absent. Been hectic l8ly."

My first reaction (besides thinking who the eff still texts using numbers to abbreviate?) was to text a quick "Oh you're fine, you don't need to apologize for anything." But then, I stopped. Did he owe me an apology? Was he fine? The fact is, everything had been going great and then radio silence....so was it really "fine"? If I was being honest, what would I say? 

But really, what would I say? We are taught that a woman who cuts all communication after a break-up or failed one night stand is "handling it with grace" and "cutting her losses." A woman who holds the man accountable and asks for an explanation or dares tell them that their action was rude/deusch-y/etc is  "having trouble moving on." Who picked those descriptors? Who decided that not speaking your mind was "graceful" and "tactful"? Shouldn't we be encouraging people to speak their mind, good or bad? 

My blog is most often found by typing into Google "dating disasters comedy blog." But my reaction to his text today made me think, am I setting myself up for a dating disaster? If I tell him it's fine, that he has nothing to apologize for, I'm really giving him a free pass. Granted, this is someone I've just been texting with so it's not life or death. But, I think this same thing is applicable to more serious relationships. If you tell your significant other that "it's fine," they really are getting a free pass to go on about their life and keep repeating that bad behavior. How often have you been out with your girlfriends and told some dating disaster story and their response is a sympathetic "oh he totally knows better, what a dick." Does he? What if we're all running around saying "he knows better," but he doesn't actually know better because no one has told him? We're all assuming someone did, or will, but no one actually does say "that was a dick move, don't do it again."If we continue to run around the dating pool without speaking up for ourselves and just assuming that some girl some where at some time told him what we're really dying to tell him, are we setting ourselves up for a dating disaster? And how can we ever break this cycle if a woman who cuts all communication with a bad date/relationship is deemed "tactful" and "graceful" and someone who doesn't is met with a raised eyebrow and a "hot mess" label? 

If I look at my life for evidence, I would have to admit that the idea I sometimes set myself up for dating disasters is true. I'm trying to lose weight and make a healthy lifestyle, and I brought a box of cupcakes home from work. I want to be a nonprofit executive director, but I procrastinate signing the paperwork that would be the next step in making that happen. Examples are endless. I'm setting myself up (potentially) for disaster.

How would dating change if we were all completely honest? No, it's not fine. Yes, you do owe me an explanation. Explanation received? Cool. No hard feelings. But, if you're hoping to find a long-term significant other in the near future I encourage you to stop that annoying action. 

What do you think? Are we setting ourselves up for dating disasters by not being honest? When did being honest become synonymous with being negatively critical? Would you rather date a completely honest person, or does the thought of potential "harsh honesty" scare you? 

Oh, and I still haven't said anything back. Because I don't know what to say. Society taught me to make excuses for people and say "oh you're fine, you don't need to apologize." But maybe I don't want to make excuses for people anymore. 

Move over, Carrie. There's a new single girl in town. 

Dating Disasters: "Babe"

It's time for another tale from the dating disasters pool. Really, I should just write all of these down to make sure I don't forget any. My top Google search term has always been "dating disasters comedy blog" and well...I'm happy to be here for you. Please, learn from my mistakes.

I recently went on a first and second (don't ask me why) date with a very potentially nice young man. Nice, conservative, Catholic, older...he had all the fixings of a potential summer fling love connection. Until he didn't. Until he started or ended every sentence with one word...

Babe.

I'm sorry. What? This is our second meeting. I am literally a stranger. You are literally a stranger. I am not your babe. Nor am I "your girl" so please don't try to mix it up with that one either. 

Babe you're so funny. 

I'll pick you up at 7 babes.

This is why I like you babes.

We got chemistry babe.

Babe.

Babe.

Babe.

[Literal Conversation from car ride]

Boy: Woah bro, that is a funny story. 

Me: I'm sorry, what? Bro? Are you friendzoning me before the date even ends?

Boy: Babe, we are definitely not in the friendzone.

Me: I mean...you called me bro.

Boy: Would you rather I called you bro or babe?

Me: Are those my only two options?

Boy: Babe you're so funny!

At this point, I am literally questioning whether he knows my name or not. For the love of all that is holy and romantic and sane, please save your terms of endearment for someone YOU ACTUALLY KNOW. 

What's the term of endearment that just grates your ears? How soon is too soon for pet names?

Hug Me Friday

Happy Friday, friends! I'm sure everyone's Monday (Tuesday?) weekend update posts will be nice and long to accommodate for the THREE DAY WEEKEND. Woot woot. What will I be doing?

A lot of this:

While listening to this:

(I heard a lot about this music video. And then I watched it and caught myself going "Dear God. I would actually prefer your to be naked MORE than you already are because your outfits are so hideous. Also, TI is the best part because he just looks so genuinely confused as to why he's there.)

While reading this:

Pre-ordered book magically popping up on my Kindle? Yes please. I'm a huge fan of his work. Hope this one lives up to the expectation!

And in case you choose to read some funniez while recovering from a delicious hangover sunburn, check these out:

Dating Disaster Funniez

The Five Assholes You'll Date In College

Part One

Part Two

Appendix A

This was the first thing I ever wrote on my blog when it started, 

and remains to this day my favorite post. 

It's sharp, witty, funny and sassy. 

Dating Disasters

First Impressions are Golden

GIF Letter Funniez

Letter to my Workout Instructor

Good Try

Dear crazy bitch...

Letter to the Graduates