The 5 Assholes You'll Date In College: Part One

Note: this post originally appeared on my Wordpress site, but since I am switching to Blogger I wanted to bring some of my more favorite posts with me. Enjoy!

1: THE OVERLY RELIGIOUS ONE

 Otherwise Known As: The Homeschooler, The Innocent One, Prophet of our Time

Potential Characteristics: attended a homeschool co-op, only listens to Christian music, carries his Bible everywhere, instead of a date asks you to church, thinks he’s at college to convert people not study, thinks he is God’s favorite man but is too ‘humble’ to admit it, attends a liberal arts college, Mama’s boy, wants to be ‘different’

Most Common Heard Phrase in this relationship: You really believe that?

Average Length of relationship: 2 Weeks

Average Length of time to get over breakup: 2 minutes

Here’s how this relationship works. You usually start out as ‘just friends.’ This self-described JF (short for "Jesus Freak," which he pulled from the same title DC Talk song--stop, we were all fans you know it) will inevitably use his friend group as the browsing grounds for potential mates. He will hide behind the phrase ‘I just want to be friends’ until he is has found his prey and is ready to pounce. Your first ‘date’ will most likely be a walk around campus.

From this relationship you will learn that any and every topic can be related back to Jesus and your moral stance. Once,  a JF I dated convinced me that going to see the political satire "W" was actually supporting abortion and showing my moral relativism. Like I said, mind spinning. 

You’ll go on a lot of group dates during this time. And you’ll get in a lot of theological arguments that unfortunately never lead to hot makeout sessions (boo). The good side of that is that you’ll be forced to think on your feet, and you’ll have a permanent store of answers for the next time you’re trapped in a theological debate.

Now, the most important person in this world to Homeschooled JF will be his mother. This is a hurdle for most of us girls. Unfortunately, that mother will always see you as the enemy. There is really no getting over this. Until the day you pop out a perfect blond-haired baby that looks just like hers on, she will doubt whether you are of any use to her son. My advice on dealing with mamma’s boys is just not to bring the topic up. Should you ever be in the same room as her, just always picture her as a pastor’s wife and your decorum will be sure to be appropriate.

Fortunately, this relationship will come to an end. 

Signs this relationship is ending: “I was talking to my mom….” “How do you feel about homeschooling our…your children?” “I think God put you in my life for a reason.”

Classic Homeschooled JF break-up line: “I just can’t be your Jesus.”

Fast ways to get out of this relationship: Carry a Catechism around

Break-up song to help you get over it: Just turn on the radio to anything but the Christian station and you’ll instantly feel alive again.

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2. THE OVERLY INVESTED PUPPY DOG

Otherwise Known As: The Stalker, The Well-Meaning One

 Potential Characteristics: Health condition, lack of male friends, lack of father figure, mamma’s boy, Methodist, drinks Sprite, owns more polo shirts than a sorority girl, Velcro wallet, missing balls, stalker

Most Common Heard Phrase in this relationship: “I can change.”

Average Length of relationship: Too long

Average Length of time to get over breakup: .2 seconds

It’s a sad, sad time to be dating in this world. I know that most of us are mourning the lack of jobs, the lack of reliable political figures, or the lack of religiosity, but let’s focus on what’s really important. The lack of men.

Now I have a tendency, it’s true, to accidentally run over people who don’t have spines (metaphorically, dipshit. I’m not running over handicap people with my car). I just can’t help it. They’re just so whiny and annoying and they never stand up for themselves. It’s so annoying. That is the OIPD in one word—spineless.

The most annoying part of dating an OIPD is just how much he’ll actually love you. His very smiles will begin to annoy you. You’ll wish he didn’t think everything you did was so perfect and cute. You’ll actually begin to purposely try to do things you would never, ever do just to piss him off. He will call you non-stop to check on where you are, but not in the overly possessive way. It’s like an unexplainable soft, overly-possessive way. Like a stalker wrapped in glitter wrapped in tulle trying to give you a lollipop way. If he calls and you’re out with your girlfriends, he won’t even be jealous. He’ll just ask if there’s anything that you guys need. More wine? A DD? A chick flick? Starbucks? Tampons?

A classic sign that you’re dating an OIPD is his high level of involvement with your friends. When you skip the cafeteria dinner, he will still sit with them. He will know their boyfriend problems, their best friend problems, and their girl drama before you do. He will be their go-to male opinion.

When you try to break up with him, he will convince you that he can change—just give him another chance! 

Before you know it, you've been won over by his puppy dog eyes and are dating for another two weeks. Girls, if you’re in this relationship, just end it. Let him go be a good boyfriend to someone who will appreciate his mushy heart.

Signs this relationship is ending: Whenever one of your friends says “I’m just gonna text your boyfriend and ask him his opinion on ________. He always knows what boys are thinking!”

Classic Overly-Invested Puppy Dog break-up line: Girl, he will never break up with you, therefor he doesn’t have a classic line.

Fast ways to get out of this relationship: Just end it. Quickly.

Break-up song to help you get over it: “I’m Still a Guy” by Brad Paisley


Be sure to check back for Part Two tomorrow! And if you enjoyed, please help show the love by clicking the GFC button =) What do you think? Have you ever dated one of these two types of boys?