Dear Dorota

Dear Dorota,

There are several reasons why you should come work for me instead of my bestie, Blair Waldorf. I love Blair, but now that she and Chuck are married...well, she doesn't need you. I need you. If you were to come work for me, here is what I would ask of you:

When I wake up, bustle into my room quietly but efficiently with Starbucks (mocha in winter, iced hazelnut macchiato in the summer). Get me my eye cream and moisturizer and make sure I put them on ASAP so they have the necessary 20 minutes to set before I put the rest of my makeup on. Make sure I am sitting up (because if I don't literally sit up I will fall back asleep immediately) with some perfectly fluffed pillows and my laptop. Before I awake, I would like you to scroll through my bloglovin feed and 'mark as read' all the posts you know I don't want to read--giveaways for birth control websites and 20-sponsor monthly giveaways (actually, if you could enter those on a separate account for me, that'd be great).

When I'm ready to move out of my bed, please have my clothes prepared for me. In the winter, I would appreciate you warming them up briefly so I don't freeze hopping from my jammies to my sweaters. Drive me to work and listen to me vent about anything and everything that strikes my fancy. During the day, glue yourself to country radio stations and complete all the ticket-giveaway contests they have. I want Florida Georgia Line and I want them now, dammit! After that, please find the exact STL location of Nelly's house because you know I want to meet him.

In the evenings, I would ask that you follow at a discrete pace behind me and Dasani so you can make sure this total stranger doesn't kidnap me. He seems like a well-meaning old man, but you can never be too safe.

On the weekends, please prep my beach bag. When I awake from my weekend naps, have a mango flavored alcoholic beverage waiting for me. When not occupied with these activities, please amuse yourself by finding answers to the following questions: Did Ryan Reynolds watch all six seasons of Gossip Girl before or after he married Blake? How does the eLibrary system work? How do I audition for The Bachelor? How do I capitalize on creating a cable channel that plays 24 hour Sex and The City marathons?

What do you say Dorota? Sound like a plan?

Love,

Unanswered Questions: Gossip Girl Edition

Hi friends!

Yesterday I took over Helene's page for a fun intro to the Unreal Life, so if you haven't had a chance to check it out, head on over and show Helene and I some blogger love =)

If you are stopping by for the first time from Helene's, THANK YOU! I am so excited to have you here at The Unreal Life and promise to take good care of your time by regaling you with entertaining stories of my inability to say no to strangers and/or assholes, another shot of vodka and team-building exercises (Trust falls? Not my thing.). 

______________


Confession: I really, really, really miss Gossip Girl. As in, miss it so much that one more rainy weekend may find me restarting the entire series on Netflix for the third time. As in, I may or may not have Blair's final headband collection pinned to my Pinterest wedding board, ready to go. But as much as I miss it, I have some unanswered questions.

1. How did Serena get away with killing a man? Because I'm pretty sure in real life, you can't just go cry and apologize and then return to your pent house.

2. Whatever happened to Dan's half-brother?

3. How does this guy in my apartment complex keep making seemingly endless loops...through the building? He must be running circuits up and down the steps and then around the building wait...this isn't about Gossip Girl. 

4. How did Lillian forgive William for lying to her and telling her she had cancer...only to marry him at the end of the season?

5. Did we ever figure out who Chuck's mother was?

6. How did Serena do all that coke and still have such great skin?

7. How did any of them get hired without a college degree? I have one and I can barely get a job as it is. 

8. I still don't understand why we suddenly had to throw a prostitution ring into it all. But, ok...

9. How did Nate become the character with the least amount of lines, but the most amount of women?

Apparently, I'm not the only one confused by this either. Nate is also confused. 

10. DID RYAN REYNOLDS WATCH ALL SIX SEASONS OF GOSSIP GIRL BEFORE OR AFTER HE MARRIED BLAKE LIVELY?!?!?

A Love Letter from OTH GIFS

Dear Hannah,

In honor of your birthday, I am writing you a letter composed entirely(ish) of One Tree Hill GIFS. Happy birthday, sugar lumps of love.

Hannah, when you found me, I was all:

And you were all like, and I was like:

But then we became friends. And you didn't know me, but you agreed to go to a Purim Party with me anyways and eat Jewish bread and throw candy at a man in a hat who was supposed to represent a biblical figure and I was like:

"This could be the start of a beautiful friendship." (And if you're wondering what's up with my tongue I think we can just say I was probably licking alcohol off my lip after trying to pregame my Holocaust Literature class or just generally being a second-semester baller senior and eating a lot of McDoubles on your dorm room floor.)

And then we did fun things like Zumba and deep heart-to-heart talks in the arb and gas station slushies and Wednesday afternoon laze-sessions with our best friends Chuck Bass, Blair Waldorf and Nate Archibald. And it was the start of a most beautiful friendship that made my heart go:

And you were even sweet enough to go on late-night walks with me when Dan shot Keith and it was too emotional and I felt suffocated by the tension and drama. And that was cool too. 

And then I tried to be cool and role-model-y for you, but eventually you figured out I was a huge hot mess senior who didn't have her shit together...and you loved me even better. And that was even cooler. 

And now I'm running out of OTH GIFS. Because 80% of them are of the characters crying. They did a lot of that. So, I think this letter is done. But just know that I'm always, here for you, I love you to the moon and back and I think that you are one of the most wonderful, mature, faith-focused women I have ever met and it is such a joy and honor to know you and get to watch your life play out. 

All my love, Grand little. 

Love your Grandbig.

P.S. Other memories that make my heart happy, in honor of your birthday:

Learning to be a CHAMP in the library by wearing hoods and plowing through homework like no one's business. 

Doing the Waka-Waka zumba dance like champs. 

How much of a brat you were during Big-Lil Reveal. 

Post-Initiation bonding when you thought that I was just making you run errands with me. But really, after finding my car, picking things up from my ex-boyfriends house and getting my student ID...we did end up having fun =)

Having to immediately Skype after the season finale of Gossip Girl. 

Your ability to solve my love-life problems (Frequently by relating them to Gossip Girl characters which brings surprising clarity to situations. I should be worried, but I'm not because we understand...). 

Stalking you on the daily after I learned you would be my Grandlittle and interrogating you at the dinner table to learn more. 

PPS. Don't forget your Nate is waiting for you.