A Love Letter from OTH GIFS

Dear Hannah,

In honor of your birthday, I am writing you a letter composed entirely(ish) of One Tree Hill GIFS. Happy birthday, sugar lumps of love.

Hannah, when you found me, I was all:

And you were all like, and I was like:

But then we became friends. And you didn't know me, but you agreed to go to a Purim Party with me anyways and eat Jewish bread and throw candy at a man in a hat who was supposed to represent a biblical figure and I was like:

"This could be the start of a beautiful friendship." (And if you're wondering what's up with my tongue I think we can just say I was probably licking alcohol off my lip after trying to pregame my Holocaust Literature class or just generally being a second-semester baller senior and eating a lot of McDoubles on your dorm room floor.)

And then we did fun things like Zumba and deep heart-to-heart talks in the arb and gas station slushies and Wednesday afternoon laze-sessions with our best friends Chuck Bass, Blair Waldorf and Nate Archibald. And it was the start of a most beautiful friendship that made my heart go:

And you were even sweet enough to go on late-night walks with me when Dan shot Keith and it was too emotional and I felt suffocated by the tension and drama. And that was cool too. 

And then I tried to be cool and role-model-y for you, but eventually you figured out I was a huge hot mess senior who didn't have her shit together...and you loved me even better. And that was even cooler. 

And now I'm running out of OTH GIFS. Because 80% of them are of the characters crying. They did a lot of that. So, I think this letter is done. But just know that I'm always, here for you, I love you to the moon and back and I think that you are one of the most wonderful, mature, faith-focused women I have ever met and it is such a joy and honor to know you and get to watch your life play out. 

All my love, Grand little. 

Love your Grandbig.

P.S. Other memories that make my heart happy, in honor of your birthday:

Learning to be a CHAMP in the library by wearing hoods and plowing through homework like no one's business. 

Doing the Waka-Waka zumba dance like champs. 

How much of a brat you were during Big-Lil Reveal. 

Post-Initiation bonding when you thought that I was just making you run errands with me. But really, after finding my car, picking things up from my ex-boyfriends house and getting my student ID...we did end up having fun =)

Having to immediately Skype after the season finale of Gossip Girl. 

Your ability to solve my love-life problems (Frequently by relating them to Gossip Girl characters which brings surprising clarity to situations. I should be worried, but I'm not because we understand...). 

Stalking you on the daily after I learned you would be my Grandlittle and interrogating you at the dinner table to learn more. 

PPS. Don't forget your Nate is waiting for you.

I'm a Tree Fairy!

The other day, I was sitting on my ass couch watching TV when a commercial with the typical adorable child came on. Instantly, I started bemoaning "childhood is wasted on children. wouldn't it be great to be a child again...just for one day?" I thought of all the things I would do as a child again for just one day: not pay bills, not complain about whatever my mom cooked for dinner--just be grateful I wasn't cooking it, get a bunch of hugs, spend all day outside just playing. Remember when we were kids and we just went outside without having anything to do? As an adult, I feel like I can't really go outside without something to do. I need to be playing a specific game, taking a specific walk, or reading a specific book. But when I was a kid I would just go outside without any specific activity in mind most times...but four hours later I was dirty, tired, happy and content.

This weekend, winter visited Missouri.

I enjoyed laying on my couch for hours...but around 4 o'clock I wanted to start ramming my head against the wall. I caught myself whining "I can't even go to my gym classes because there's so much snow. Ugh." And then I saw my neighbors outside, building a snowman. My roommate thought they were crazy and I thought they were brilliant. They wanted to be outside, so they did. I wanted to be outside, so I did. At first, I took a walk. But that can only last so long. And then...I spied it. We had already had one tree fall, and my roommate and I were waiting for others to snap from the weight of the snow.

That's cool, I didn't need to get upstairs anyways.

I was desperate for a way to stay outside. And then it came to me. I could be the self-proclaimed tree fairy of my apartment complex. I could prevent other trees from snapping by ridding them of their too-heavy snow! So I ran around and shook all the branches I could find.

It hit me. Literally, and metaphorically. Metaphorically, my wish had come true. I was a little kid for a day. I didn't have a care in the world. I ran from tree to tree to tree, up hill, down hill, across the parking lot. Just shaking branches. Letting it avalanche onto my head. Sometimes pulling the branch back like a sling-shot and using it to hit the snow off the branch ahead. Unburying some branches that were already buried completely under the snow. It was wonderful. I know it sounds simple but--no, no buts. It was simple. And it was beautiful. It was fun and simple and thrilling. Each time I shook it, shrieked, got pelted by snow, and then got to watch the branch swing two feet up in the air, snow free again I felt a huge rush.

While I was swinging away, I was reminded of this quote.

I couldn't be a kid for a day then, but I could be a kid for today. When I wanted it, the answer was "not now." As a human, I oh so often assume that means "not ever." But today was a great reminder that our God is an awesome God, and he never forgets His children--down to their littlest desire. How beautiful.  Think of everything the Lord has to keep track of. Politicians, starving children, single moms, Pope Francis running away from his body guards (again) to go bless some homeless people. All these people and burdens and prayers...and yet He remembers me, a little ol' girl in Missourah, under a tree full of snow. Out of all of the requests and prayers and petitions He gets every single day, He remembered my one, thirty-second thought, "I want to be a kid again" and He made it happen.

Some of you are probably rolling your eyes. It was frickin' snow, get over it you may say. But to me, it was more. It was a reminder that "not now" doesn't mean "not ever." And I needed this reminder, desperately.  I've been stressing over everything--money, job, Missourah. And today, I got my answer. Not now. That doesn't mean He's forgotten me or that my life is over and I just have to deal with where I am. I'll get where I need to be, when I need to be. And along the way, I'll learn some cool things. Like today, I learned the coolest way to enjoy snow as an adult. And hopefully, I saved a branch or two.

Love,
The Tree Fairy

Now that's a rosy-pink shade of exertion that even my Bar Method teacher would approve of. Brought to you for free from the great outdoors.

You're bored? Do something. You want to get off your ass?  Get up.
You want to go outside? Go outside. Is it hard? You bet. Worth it? Absolutely.

I ran from tree to tree like a total moron. Do my neighbors think I'm crazy?
Who cares. I'm fabulous.

Dating Disasters

Well, after dating 5 Assholes and a Monogamous Mono Man, it really wasn't hard to think of potential candidates for Allie's Dating Disasters Link-Up. God love 'em, 'cause I sure don't.

Disaster One
This one is a good ol' throw back to high school (when it was more acceptable for boys to be dating-illiterate because they were young and stupid. What's your excuse now, boys?!). We went to TGIFriday's, and were seated immediately (not a shocker there). We ordered, and as soon as the waitress left, he proceeded to squirt ketchup on his palm and lick it. That's right--lick it.

"What are you doing?!?!" I shrieked. 

"I'm too hungry to wait for dinner, but I'm too poor to order an appetizer."

Disaster Two

My sorority hosted a speed-dating philanthropy every year. So the following comes from that glorious, glorious experience (no, but seriously, it can be fun). 

Boy: "Do you work out?"

Me: "Umm...no."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"Well I just don't think this will work out then."

"Ok."

"I mean, I want someone who's going to do all my stuff with me. I want to look over at the treadmill next to me and see my girl right there."

"Well that's definitely not me."

"Ok. Well, good luck."

And he promptly stood up and left. We didn't even make it through the whole 60 seconds. As if that wasn't a disaster warning sign enough, I proceeded to date him for the next year. What can I say, I like a challenge. 

Disaster Three

My ex-boyfriend and I planned a romantic, after-finals weekend trip to Toledo (No judgies--we just wanted to get out of town and we went to school in the middle of nowhere. We didn't have many options. He won me over with a hotel room that advertised a fireplace. However, it did not advertise you had to bring your own wood. Major let down.) The whole drive there, he kept telling me that our first stop was somewhere I was just going to love. He claimed he couldn't wait to take me there, and it was so special to him because it was somewhere he and his grandparents went. I tried to clarify whether it was romantic or whether it had food. He said "Umm..it could be romantic...and I guess you can get food..."

Let me show you where we pulled up to. My great, romantic, you-share-this-with-your-grandparents-and-now-me-we're-so-in-love spot:

That's right. Bass Pro Shops. 

Be sure to join the fun and link-up!

Khloe, Autumn and Adele go to Brunch

Guest blogging for me today is Michael, the bachelor  who thought his crock pot would burn down his apartment! As you all know, I am obsessed with Khloe Kardashian and Adele. I think that both are amazing, sassy, classy ladies who are admirable in the way they keep it real and don't take shit from anyone. So Michael has gone above and beyond in writing a schedule of what it would look like if Khloe, Adele and I went to brunch. (Hopefully someone besides me thinks this is hysterical. I've bolded the really funny parts but...I think it's all funny.) 

_________

11:47: Adele arrives 13 minutes early because she is a classy betch. Shoos away 3 men and the waiter. 

11:50: Autumn finishes 10 minute power primp sesh, hops in the car and PT cruises over to lunch.

11:54: Adele writes Grammy award winning song about the man she just pushed away. Well all four of them.

11:56: Adele wonders why no one has asked her for a drink order. Drinks water to sooth her recently healed angel face voice.

11:59: Autumn arrives. Tells Adele that if this place only serves crepes that she will “choke a bitch.” Decides to order lobster.

12:01: Autumn decides to order a steak.

12:04: Autumn reads entire menu to Adele in an over exaggerated commercial voice because she can’t decide what she wants to get.

12:06: Autumn enters a food rage. Violently grabs Adele's hand and forcefully asks why they haven’t taken her order yet. Adele is unsure. 

12:10 Lamar drops Khloe off, wine glass already in hand, after whispering sweet nothings into each others’ ears.

12:12 Khloe wanders around restaurant. Tells random passerby that she is “dressed like cat woman.” Orders a drink but is refused because she already has one in her hand. Reminds bartender that she has been to prison. Adele runs to her side for help.

12:15: Autumn and Khloe lock eyes from across the restaurant - the only thing other than greasy food that can calm her mid food rage.

12:18: Autumn coordinates what everyone orders to ensure a variety of choices for all parties, and so she doesn’t have to decide on one thing. Begins live tweeting the occasion out of sheer joy from the thought of the food arriving. Khloe orders drink.

12:21: Autumn reminds Adele and Khloe that they are all soulmates and best friends. In real life and on twitter.

12:24: Autumn and Adele bond over how boys are stupid. And how they are both sassy and quote ‘know what they got.’ Khloe and Lamar repeatedly text each other.

12:30: Food arrives. Autumn successfully resists shrieking from excitement. Khloe orders drink.

12:34: Adele sings. Restaurant breaks down into tears, yet simultaneously feels empowered. Seven breakups occur, and a man is healed of diabetes.

12:40: Autumn orders a drink ‘with vitamins.’ Waiter has no clue what this means. (side note: I have a strong and completely misplaced belief that any alcoholic drink that tastes like mangoes has vitamins and is therefor healthy)

12:44: Khloe says she hears the pitter-patter of a dinosaur. It happens to be the waiter who has returned with the wrong drink for Autumn.

12:46: Khloe figures out that it is the wrong drink, promptly runs to the kitchen and calls the waiter an ‘silly evil bitch,’ and can’t be reasoned with until the whole meal is paid for.

12:51: Leaves kitchen and fist bumps a stranger at the bar.

12:54: All leave and swear to never eat at a brunch place again. Waiter reminds them that it is not in fact a brunch restaurant but they hear none of it.

__________

Lookin' fly in our brunch outfits!

 Nothin' like a good stroll in the park after brunch!

Monogamous Mono Man

Since I'm still rolling high on my re-found love for Christoph Waltz's gorgeously chiseled cheek bones, perfect smile and unfairly gorgeous accent, I'm re-posting one of my favorite posts from my old blog on here in honor of Christoph Waltz (AKA his doppleganger).

Today, I’d like to offer up a little tribute to the Monogamous Mono Man. And for all you girls who have had the misfortune of dating a MMM, I offer my sympathetic condolences.

What is a MMM, you might ask? Well, just like it sounds, it’s a man afflicted by mono who insists that you and he are in a monogamous relationship. It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out that if he got mono while being “monogamous” with your mono-free self, at least one of those adjectives is false. And it’s not the mono one…

I once had the fortune of dating an MMM, and I have to say, it was fairly entertaining. My friend and I (the same one who told me I was just embarrassing enough to make everyone feel comfortable, without being embarrassing enough to be an actual embarrassment to know) had a true love for mocking MMM relentlessly. In our all-night-research-paper-writing haze, we thought of what Monogamous Mono Man might say, if given the chance. And thus was the born the ideas for what MMM might say if he had a twitter:

@monmonoman: I’m your worst nightmare. You must be faithful to me, but you can’t kiss me.

@monmonoman: The only thing that lasts longer than a game of monopoly: #mono.

@monmonoman: Want to make sure your ex will never forget you? Don’t be cliché, give them #mono today!

@monmonoman: When holocaust literature isn’t enough: #mono (*side note: at the same time I was dating MMM, I was also taking a French Literature World War 2 class where all we did was read books about the Holocaust…in French. There are few things worse than reading a french book and being like “ooh, that word sounds pretty…what does it mean? Oh…charbroiled human flesh. Nevermind.”)

@monmonoman: Because nothing says “I’m totally serious about being monogamous with you, baby,” like my sudden onset of #mono

@monmonoman: Every day I ask myself, what’s the difference between a monogamous mono man and a gay best friend? (*No but really, what is the difference? You can’t kiss them, but they’re great for watching a movie with and using as dates in a pinch.)

Here’s to you, Monogamous Mono Man, for freeing us to be in monogamous relationships where we can wear sweatpants, no makeup, and oversized t-shirts to movie nights because we are 100% certain we will never end up making out. XOXO…wait, no.

Laters, baby.

P.S. Don’t forget to check out where MMM fits into “The 5 Assholes You’ll Date In College.” 

***Don't forget! My first ever link up starts TOMORROW! In honor of International Badge Day, join us in celebrating your sorority experience! Submissions accepted all week long =)

Stranger Danger: Hamburger Edition

Today I'm guest blogging again for Kimberly at The Simplicity of Being Curious. We'll be discussing important life questions, like:

Which came first, the weirdo who ate the stranger's hamburger,

 or the weirdo who gave their hamburger to a stranger?

Read the blog and cast your vote! If you haven't taken a look at Kim's blog yet, please stop by! She is like the big sister who has all her shit together, while I'm the little sister who is still a struggle busing hot mess. One day, I'll be on her level. But till then...stop on over and enjoy a good laugh, compliments of my inability to say no to strangers =)

 (If you like what you read, you can also read my first guest blog for Kim here, too!)

And don't forget...tomorrow...I announce my first ever blog link up =) 

My Oscar Lover

It's the Monday after the Oscars, so like every other blogger I'll be talking about....THE OSCARS. Couple points:

1. Overall--I thought this Oscars was beautiful! The stage setup was gorgeous with all those lights, and everyone was dressed so classy! I thought Seth did a great job of making it entertaining, keeping it from being too hoighty-toighty and serious. 
2. Seth--I know a lot of people are calling him out for bringing up Rhianna and Chris Brown but I've always been on the side of Jenny Johnson in continuing to call this man out. Domestic abuse is a serious issue, and if it takes continuing to call this man out awkwardly at public award shows until people realize that no, we shouldn't just leave them on their merry way and let him continue being a psycho who isn't held accountable (except with "community service." Are you kidding me? You beat the shit out of your girlfriend and all you have to do is community service?), then I'm for it. America always downplays domestic abuse and doesn't like talking about it (understandable, it's a rough subject--no pun intended).Bring it up, and continue to bring it up, until it gets addressed. 
3. JLaw--way to trip up the stairs. You proved that 20somethings everywhere are a force to be reckoned with, and that we will add to the world in amazing ways...but also very clumsy, awkward ways. 

3. Hugh and Brad--Every woman's pants heart in America dropped when you leapt to help her. 

4. Michelle Obama--really? Really? My main complaint: it's not an American awards show. So don't get on a soap box about your new initiative to keep arts in the schools in America. I'm all for the message, I just think the presenter was completely unnecessary and did not help facilitate the message. 

5. Christoph Waltz--I'VE DATED YOU. No, seriously, guys, every time I look at him...deja vu all over the place. 

Anyone? Anyone see the resemblance? Here are a few more for good measure:

Anyone? Anyone? Oh sweet Mary, mother of Abraham Lincoln, the memories are just rolling in now...he is gonna go Chris Brown if he ever finds this blog. Anyways, I dated Christoph Waltz. And that is your Monday Morning Gossip.


(ALSO...other BIG GOSSIP...stop by later this week as I reveal my FIRST EVER LINK UP with Whitney at The Observant Turtle.)

Christoph is intrigued and wants to know 

more about my link up...do you? Check back soon =)

Meet Kate: Kid Post #1

Today at work (I work at a church nursery a couple times a week, part-time), I was asked to be the one-on-one shadow for a boy with Fragile X Syndrome. My first response was to be deeply humbled and grateful  that they thought I would be good at something like this--followed by a complete wave of fear that I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. Then, I thought of the first experience I had working with special needs kids as a counselor at SpringHill Camps (the world's greatest camp in the world's greatest state, Michigan. Seriously--if you are looking for somewhere to send your kids where they will be cherished, loved and have the best week of their life look no further).

Kate had Downs Syndrome, and was assigned to my tent that week along with her designated, official Special Needs Counselor. For the first half of the week, I felt like a failure. Kate claimed that I hated her and would constantly run away from me and hide behind trees. I'm not sure how it changed, but right at the halfway mark...Kate switched from calling me "monster" (seriously) to "mama." She would run into the counselor's little shower cubby place whenever I was in there and scream "MAMA! Hurry UP!" The time I was allowed to be out of her site became 30 seconds, and everything was "30 more seconds, Kate, I have to go to the bathroom, "30 more seconds Kate, I have to take this kid to the clinic."

Kate soon developed a favorite game. She would fly through the air, landing on her bunk bed, and at the last second I was supposed to catch her by the ankles and pull her backwards. Fly, catch, pull. Fly, catch, pull. Repeat. Here's the problem: 1) children with Downs Syndrome are just naturally heavier than other children at that age. Kate weighed more than I did (and continually took advantage of this by tackling me to the ground in her excitement--or any other mood she felt); 2) that week we were staying in MASH tents...the ones where the tent walls are kept loose and untied so that they could be rolled up to let the air through. So...sometimes....I couldn't catch her in time. Which meant that Kate went flying through the air, over her bunk bed, and out the tent wall onto the ground. Kate thought this was hysterical and begged to do it over and over. However, I can assure you that my boss did not find it as hysterical to walk past our tent and see the only special needs child inside flying out of the wall and popping up with leaves in her hair. Even if she was laughing. Oh camp....Oh kids =)

My other favorite story about Kate is when she announced during campfire that she had to go to the bathroom. I took her over to the port-a-potties and stood nearby, waiting for her when slowly I hear...singing. She was singing all the same songs as the kids at the fire...just on a one-song delay.

Five minutes passed and I was like "KATE, what are you doing in there??" 

To which she promptly replied "I'm peein' and poopin'!" 

Logical answer. 

Five more minutes went by. "KATE, what are you doing?!?!" 

"I'm practicing my math facts!" 

Indeed, you could hear her, slowly reciting multiplication and addition tables. 

So, here's to hoping that as many cute stories and connections can happen with my newest kid =) I absolutely adore working with kids, so look forward to more 'kid posts' in the future! They say the best things =)

Finally making the switch from monster to mommy. Big deal.
(Squinty eyes get out of control when I'm ecstatic)

Addendum to the 5 Assholes You'll Date in College

The following are a few addendums to my post "The 5 Assholes You'll Date in College." 

Addendum A: The Alpha Male Looks Like This

I was supposed to read for my alumnae book club last night. I even went to the bookstore and everything so I could focus. But then, I saw the Total Frat Move book. And I just couldn't help myself. And while part of me shuddered at the bad publicity that will come for the Greek System from this atrocious novel...the other parts of me couldn't help laughing. Especially when I found this page.

Cheers, pledge master, for making my last semester so hysterical with your stupid stories. I hope that you're installing the same type of fear into all the opposition soldiers you're off fighting, somewhere. Because as you said..."I'm a soldier, disguised as a nerd, disguised as a frat boy. I'm a fucking badass"

Appendix B: This is why we don't listen to Adele

Under Asshole #3: The Heartbreaker, I encouraged you not to listen to Adele. A friend sent me this video shortly after reading it and I have to agree--this is why we don't listen to Adele at times like that! (However...Adele is also a big role model during times of break up. She took her break up and turned it into 11 Grammies. She gave one big middle finger to her ex, an example to girls everywhere. So, maybe I should say that if you're going to listen to Adele after a break up, listen to her Grammy acceptance speech and not her album.) No I mean really, look, she just gave a big middle finger. And snapped.

I imagine her saying at this moment in her head: "I'm the only one who can make flipping someone off look classy and like an action others should aspire to. Snaps to me."

Anyways, this video is why we don't listen to Adele and is sure to brighten your Saturday =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11RZIDNN4pk
(Guys, I'm struggle bussing with this link. Click it for SNL's funny skit on Someone Like You with Emma Stone! Yes!)

Now this is the Adele you should get to know and love:

Sassy bitch knows what she got. 

Adele, as I say over and over, you're my top betch. You know who I'd like to see in a room together? Me, Adele and Khloe Kardashian. 

Friday Letters

Dear Missouri children: You appear to have super warfare germs. I believe that if a nuclear bomb hit America, you would still survive because you are terrifying and indestructible. This would also be good because you're very stocky and pure-American and would repopulate America quickly. However, I'm still scared of you.

Dear Lena Dunham: Why did you write a show about 20somethings to celebrate being a 20something and encourage 20somethings to embrace it and enjoy it, but put it on a channel most 20somethings can't afford? Thanks for educating the 40somethings who can afford it about what it's like to be 20something.

Dear Missouri Governor: This was my face when you declared a "state of emergency" when I could still see the grass (wooooaaaaah crazy snow storm!),

but regardless--thanks for the snow day.

Dear horror movie previews: stop popping your way uninvited and unexpectedly into my living room while I'm innocently watching the Kardashians. 

Dear Target: You win again. Resistance is futile.

Dear Hair: Thanks for the reminder this week that you do not like any hair products whatsoever. In line with this, thanks for being so agreeable and just laying flat and pretty most of the time.


Linking up with The Sweet Season for Friday Letters!

Hot Mess: The Ombre Life

Well kids, it's that time again. Time for another rousing edition of Autumn's Unreal Life where you both laugh and cringe because you're not quite sure whether to be best friends with her or pity her. It's also that time where I stop referring to myself in the third person.

So for about a week now, I've been seeing those ads for ombre hair dye. I always wanted ombre hair, but was too broke chicken to go get it done at an actual salon. Plus, why pay $80 for something you can pay $8 for (don't answer that--there are many, many reasons)?! All day at work, I was looking forward to my after-work Target shopping spree. I had been saving my Christmas gift cards for a worthy occasion, and the occasion had come. Finally, went my cart was overflowing and I found myself questioning if it would be possible for me to push TWO carts at once, I decided it was time to go. But not without the final purchase: ombre hair dye. Dun dun dun!

Here I am in step one, remaining skeptical but hopeful that this will not make my hair turn hideous and result in having to chop inches and inches off:

Here I am in step two, beginning to seriously doubt that this dye is doing anything rather than releasing toxic fumes:

So, after leaving it on for the maximum amount of time (45 minutes), I took it out, washed it with the enclosed "special" conditioner (which smelled disgusting), wrapped it soaking wet in a bun and went to bed. In the morning, I woke up and it still smelled DISGUSTING so of course I showered, wrapped it soaking wet in a bun and made a bee-line for my car lest it freeze into icicles and break off (has anyone ever actually had that happen?).

I get to work and start telling people how much it did not work, until one very wise coworker goes "But Autumn, have you even seen it dry yet?" Uhhhhhh...cue awkwardness.

Who sits at their cubicle waiting for their hair to dye so they can see how it actually turned out? This girl. Sad to report, it doesn't look different at all. Maybe one shade lighter, tops. Apparently I can put straight up bleach on my hair for 45 minutes and only go down one shade...leading me to believe that I have SUPER NINJA HAIR.

Alright, I'm off to enjoy my ADULT SNOW DAY!!! YAY!!! Gonna cook me some spaghetti, grab a good book and relax! Hope you're all having a wonderful day!

Only the second documented snow in Missourah this winter!