Monogamous Mono Man

Since I'm still rolling high on my re-found love for Christoph Waltz's gorgeously chiseled cheek bones, perfect smile and unfairly gorgeous accent, I'm re-posting one of my favorite posts from my old blog on here in honor of Christoph Waltz (AKA his doppleganger).

Today, I’d like to offer up a little tribute to the Monogamous Mono Man. And for all you girls who have had the misfortune of dating a MMM, I offer my sympathetic condolences.

What is a MMM, you might ask? Well, just like it sounds, it’s a man afflicted by mono who insists that you and he are in a monogamous relationship. It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out that if he got mono while being “monogamous” with your mono-free self, at least one of those adjectives is false. And it’s not the mono one…

I once had the fortune of dating an MMM, and I have to say, it was fairly entertaining. My friend and I (the same one who told me I was just embarrassing enough to make everyone feel comfortable, without being embarrassing enough to be an actual embarrassment to know) had a true love for mocking MMM relentlessly. In our all-night-research-paper-writing haze, we thought of what Monogamous Mono Man might say, if given the chance. And thus was the born the ideas for what MMM might say if he had a twitter:

@monmonoman: I’m your worst nightmare. You must be faithful to me, but you can’t kiss me.

@monmonoman: The only thing that lasts longer than a game of monopoly: #mono.

@monmonoman: Want to make sure your ex will never forget you? Don’t be cliché, give them #mono today!

@monmonoman: When holocaust literature isn’t enough: #mono (*side note: at the same time I was dating MMM, I was also taking a French Literature World War 2 class where all we did was read books about the Holocaust…in French. There are few things worse than reading a french book and being like “ooh, that word sounds pretty…what does it mean? Oh…charbroiled human flesh. Nevermind.”)

@monmonoman: Because nothing says “I’m totally serious about being monogamous with you, baby,” like my sudden onset of #mono

@monmonoman: Every day I ask myself, what’s the difference between a monogamous mono man and a gay best friend? (*No but really, what is the difference? You can’t kiss them, but they’re great for watching a movie with and using as dates in a pinch.)

Here’s to you, Monogamous Mono Man, for freeing us to be in monogamous relationships where we can wear sweatpants, no makeup, and oversized t-shirts to movie nights because we are 100% certain we will never end up making out. XOXO…wait, no.

Laters, baby.

P.S. Don’t forget to check out where MMM fits into “The 5 Assholes You’ll Date In College.” 

***Don't forget! My first ever link up starts TOMORROW! In honor of International Badge Day, join us in celebrating your sorority experience! Submissions accepted all week long =)

Addendum to the 5 Assholes You'll Date in College

The following are a few addendums to my post "The 5 Assholes You'll Date in College." 

Addendum A: The Alpha Male Looks Like This

I was supposed to read for my alumnae book club last night. I even went to the bookstore and everything so I could focus. But then, I saw the Total Frat Move book. And I just couldn't help myself. And while part of me shuddered at the bad publicity that will come for the Greek System from this atrocious novel...the other parts of me couldn't help laughing. Especially when I found this page.

Cheers, pledge master, for making my last semester so hysterical with your stupid stories. I hope that you're installing the same type of fear into all the opposition soldiers you're off fighting, somewhere. Because as you said..."I'm a soldier, disguised as a nerd, disguised as a frat boy. I'm a fucking badass"

Appendix B: This is why we don't listen to Adele

Under Asshole #3: The Heartbreaker, I encouraged you not to listen to Adele. A friend sent me this video shortly after reading it and I have to agree--this is why we don't listen to Adele at times like that! (However...Adele is also a big role model during times of break up. She took her break up and turned it into 11 Grammies. She gave one big middle finger to her ex, an example to girls everywhere. So, maybe I should say that if you're going to listen to Adele after a break up, listen to her Grammy acceptance speech and not her album.) No I mean really, look, she just gave a big middle finger. And snapped.

I imagine her saying at this moment in her head: "I'm the only one who can make flipping someone off look classy and like an action others should aspire to. Snaps to me."

Anyways, this video is why we don't listen to Adele and is sure to brighten your Saturday =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11RZIDNN4pk
(Guys, I'm struggle bussing with this link. Click it for SNL's funny skit on Someone Like You with Emma Stone! Yes!)

Now this is the Adele you should get to know and love:

Sassy bitch knows what she got. 

Adele, as I say over and over, you're my top betch. You know who I'd like to see in a room together? Me, Adele and Khloe Kardashian. 

Teaching a Bachelor to Cook

Meet Michael. Or as I like to call him when I'm feeling especially frisky fine, Miguel. Miguel is....a bachelor. *Cue horror music*

I believe that the final pre-cursor to most men settling down and getting hitched is that they simply cannot stand living in a bachelor pad anymore. When Michael first visited my apartment, he walked around touching everything really gently like it was a museum or a showroom.

"You have pillows on your couch," he said.

"Yeah, throw pillows."

"Pillows just for decoration."

He was in wonder. I was like Michael...you too can have throw pillows. They will cost you $8 at WalMart. You too can have a couch that looks classy and comfy and inviting. But for some reason, men just can't pull it together like that. They will wear out their clothes until buttons are hanging on by threads ("You can fix that?!?!" he said in shock), there is nothing but beer in the cupboard, and their furniture is really just smaller pieces of furniture precariously stacked upon each other (i.e. Michael's "desk" is actually a piece of plywood stacked on top of an old TV and a filing cabinet).

So. The time came where I was like listen, Michael, I'm not ready to get married, but I can give you the next best thing. Let me teach you how to use a CROCK POT.

It seemed to me like the crock pot would be every bachelor's dream. Set it, and leave it. Come back from work...boom. Instant homemade meal. And the options are endless. It's so easy. So I sent Michael some links for simple, 3-ingredient crock pot recipes. 

Well, Michael was A) scared the crock pot would burn his apartment down if he left it on while he was gone, so naturally he B) cooked everything only at night (which defeats the purpose of having dinner ready) but then he got C) scared the crock pot would burn his kitchen down so he D) moved his bed so he could sleep outside the kitchen and watch it until he E) gave up.

I'm proud to say we overcame this hurdle and he now trusts the crock pot will not burn his apartment down. 

Then came TEACHING MICHAEL TO USE RECIPES. I sent him a 3-ingredient recipe for stroganoff. Beef, stroganoff mix, and mushrooms. Boom. Done.

"I can't find the stroganoff mix."

"It's in the spice aisle right next to all the other mixes. Like taco mix and chili mix and stuff."

"Where is that?"

"Ask an employee." (Michael, for as lovely as he is, seems to have this idea in his head that a map of any grocery store anywhere in America--keep in mind we live a good 700 miles apart--is tattooed on my ovaries)

So that night we're Skyping and I say, Michael, how is the recipe going? He gets all shame-faced and admits that he couldn't find the stroganoff mix, so he bought some other things. But he thinks it will be really good. Michael's 3-ingredient recipe: Beef, tomato soup, and some sort of meltable cheese. He calls it "Saucy beef." I call it GAG ME. 

Still, we recovered. He did good. Stuck to 2-ingredient recipes. Chicken and cheese. Can't go wrong. But then he got adventurous. 

"I'm super excited for my next crock pot meal."

"What is it?"

"I'm experimenting," he said. 

Oh sweet baby Jesus no. "Oh that's great! What did you put in it?"

"Cream of shrimp, green peppers, beef broth, and some chicken."

First of all, what is cream of shrimp and what do people even use that for?!?! Second, why would you ever combine liquid forms of both SHRIMP and BEEF??? Your crock pot is not Red Lobster or Outback. Stop.

Anyways, ladies, point being: Michael is still a bachelor and sometimes he does manage to feed himself.

"Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime."

"Give a bachelor a crock pot, and he'll stare at it in suspicion for a day. Teach him to use it, he'll still go to Taco Bell."

Addendum: Michael is a very nice boy, and he does many, many nice things. Including letting me mock him publicly about his crock-pot issues. However, don't let his crock pot shame be for nothing! Click the follow button =)