Quickly, I'd lose interest and set my phone down. And then it would start lighting up. New match. New match. New Match. Blah. Blah. Blah.
"What the fuck?!" Breakfast Lover would say. "How are you already getting matches?"
"This is not rocket science, this is Tinder."
"You literally just got more matches in 5 minutes than I've gotten in the past 5 months. HOW DO YOU DO THIS?!"
First of all, if a guy friend is ever desperate enough to ask you for advice on how to use Tinder more effectively, that's probably not the advice he really needs. He probably needs a pep talk and some workbooks on increasing self-esteem and not-putting-validation-in-things-that-dont-matter and finally, how-to-date-in-person-with-real-live-people-and-not-in-an-app-designed-for-hookups. But, after giving BL all these lectures and more (sorry for interupting class, #luvyouPricilla), he still wanted to know how he could be better at Tinder.
And this is what I told him. Which I will now share with you all. You're welcome.
TIP 1: PUT YOUR CELEBRITY SPIRIT ANIMAL IN YOUR PROFILE DESCRIPTION.
Celebrities are a common way we can relate. "Oh he looks like Bradley Cooper" (swipe right). "Oh he's funny like Aziz" (swipe right). "Oh he looks like that Park and Recs guy who does Nascar commercials" (swipe left).
If you put your celebrity spirit animal in your profile, it allows you to say more without saying more -- ya dig? For example, I put Mindy Kaling because she is most like me and also someone I admire. She is a #girlboss who makes no apologies for her hot mess dating life, smart as fuck, and the Queen of Sass. As the Official Queen of Sass, I appreciate this.
The point is, someone can read "I like Mindy Kaling" in my profile, and they know all these things that I like: #girlboss(es), sass, comedy, smart people. And if they don't know who she is... then they swipe left. Good riddance!
TIP 2: VARIATE TECHNIQUES.
Too many people are using Tinder for too many things. From hook ups to actual relationships, there's just something for everyone on the magical land of Tinder (see 'Queen of Sass,' above).
I used a two-prong approach: sometimes I would take it seriously, and sometimes I would use it exactly the way it was intended -- flipping through photos with absolutely no care for their profile description and solely judging them based on looks. Now BL, he would read every profile. Every. Damn. Profile. And flip through every photo. No. Ain't nobody got time for that shit. He refused the Tinder method of judging based on looks because he "wanted something serious" and thought that was "vain."
Here's the deal. If you do not occasionally play Tinder the way Tinder was designed to be played, the Tinder Gods will not reward you with matches. That's all.
TIP 3: TALK ABOUT EGGS.
I had a 100% first-date success rate with matches who I spoke to about my love of hardboiled eggs. Truth.
TIP 4: NO PROFILE PHOTO? NO PROFILE DESCRIPTION? EVEN BETTER.
Embrace that challenge! Guys, I promise you -- if they didn't write anything in their profile, it's not because they're married or hiding something... they just didn't have time or don't take it too seriously. It's totally safe to meet up with them!
TIP 5: TINDER IS TRUTH.
If you compiled Tinder profile descriptions and analyzed them, Americans would look like the most adventurous, outdoors-y people ever who spend all their time hiking and traveling*. Take this to heart! This is true! Everything they put in their profile should be read as absolute truth.You should then feel immense guilt about not being more of a hiker or world-traveler, and try to get them to meet up with you so they can spread their hiking and traveling knowledge. Because if anything, Tinder proved that you don't get outside enough and your life is a failure.
In summary: talk about eggs, take every profile legit dead serious and swipe left for dog photos.
No but seriously, the only way to win on Tinder is to get off Tinder. OFF.