September 2, 2015

This, ladies and gentleman, is what you should NOT do when someone calls you back to set up a time to go on a first date. Keep in mind throughout this story, that I do not know this kid and have only spoken to him for all of 30 minutes in a bar.

ME: Oh hi, this is Autumn. Just calling you back from your voicemail 
about setting up a time for dinner. How's it going?
DUI GUY: Oh hey Autumn! Good to hear from you! *Insert deep sigh* It's goin'...
ME: Umm...
DUI GUY: Yeah, just a bad, bad, very bad day. 
ME: Oh, umm... I'm so sorry to hear that. What's wrong? 
DUI GUY: Well, you know how after your sister and you left the bar, 
I said I was going to go to another bar for a little bit? 
ME: Yes.
DUI GUY: Well, I did. And then when I went to leave that bar, 
a cop pulled out behind me and... it's just really stressful, ya know?
ME: Umm, yeah. That... sucks?
DUI GUY: Yeah, just super stressful. 
ME: So what happened?
DUI GUY: Well, obviously I went to jail. 

Alright. Let's hold the phone. OBVIOUSLY? What part of this story so far falls into "obviously"?!?! Am I supposed to now assume that every guy who asks me out is going to end up in jail first, obviously? Or that every time a cop follows someone it leads to jail, obviously? What about this is 'obviously'? 

ME: Oh... umm...
DUI GUY: So yeah, now I'm just like super stressed out, ya know. Like I don't know, ya know? 
Like I don't want to lose my job, or my house. 
ME: I don't think that's how it works...
DUI GUY: Has this ever happened to you? Or someone you know? 
Cuz if I could talk to someone who's been through this, that'd be great...

Hey, here's an opening line that's never, ever worked: "Can I talk to you about your DUI experience?" What the.... Charles Manson had a better first conversation than this kid. And again, I DON'T KNOW YOU (and no, I do not have DUI experience anyways). 

DUI GUY: Yeah, just so stressful. I just really don't need this right now.
Really, really don't need this right now.

I'm sorry, is there anyone who DOES need this right now? Find me the person running around the streets being like, "hey, you know what would help me right now? A DUI!" NOBODY NEEDS A DUI. Also, "not right now" implies that if you did have to get one, there would be a more optimal time to get one. When is the more optimal time to get a DUI? Please, riddle me that one, DUI Guy. 

So, kids, let this be a lesson: Don't drink and drive. And if you do, don't drink, drive and discuss a first date. Just chalk that one off as a loss and go to your court hearing. 

(No but seriously, when is the optimal time to get a DUI?)

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Universal Rules of a Good Break Up

August 31, 2015

To me, there are two of the most uncomfortable feelings in the world: getting a call about a job you didn't get, and break ups. Or in other words, rejection makes me all sorts of uncomfortable. Like "Oh no I'm going to the dentist in the middle of the day and forgot to brush my teeth after lunch" uncomfortable. Like "Oh man I'm stuck in a room alone with a creepy high school teacher who gives lingering shoulder pats" uncomfortable. Like "Oh God they're playing that girl's interview on The Bachelor about how in love she is but I already read the spoilers and know she's going home in 2 minutes and is really, really going to regret saying this" uncomfortable. Like "Oh shit, my boss just got back from a meeting with the director of a corporation I applied to last night and I hope she hasn't seen my resume or recognized my name yet" uncomfortable. 

Got it?

Break ups are uncomfortable. 

However, I think that if the following rules (suggestions) were followed, we could eliminate much awkward feelings! Let us explore the universal rules of a good break up (to be read in the voice of Jane Austen or Helen Mirren for ultimate effect). 


"It is a universal rule of a good break up much acknowledged and accepted world-wide, that the following suggestions and regulations shall be observed in good faith by the two parties involved in a break up:

ONE: THOU SHALT GIVE A REASON FOR CALLING. Thoust shall not feel any shame for occassionally breaking into the temptation of a phone call, but THOUST SHALL GIVE A REASON. The reason may be as complex as "we need to talk" or as simple as "fuck I'm drunk," but thoust shall give a reason. Thoust shall not cause unnecessary anxiety to the other party by refusing to give a reason, and leaving them wondering whether you are between the parallels of 'thinking about getting back together' or 'drunk' or 'dead, see me in morgue.' 

TWO: THOU SHALT HAVE ONE HUMAN MOMENT OF CONFESSION. Thoust shall have one moment in said break up where both parties have a mutual human moment of confession, saying "This is hard" (or similar feelings as per the parties involved). Thoust shall recognize this does not mean thy are reuniting, but merely acknowledging the biggest, smallest thing of all -- thine parties are both humans with feelings. Thoust are not robots engaged in a system reset, thoust arst humans. 

THREE: THOU SHALT MAINTAIN BREAK UP ROLES. The instigator shall maintain the instigator role and the other the 'not so sure/bereaved' role, with the reversal of roles allowed at least once but no more than three times during the course of the break up. Otherwise, you will probably not end up actually breaking up. 

FOUR: THOU SHALT ACKNOWLEDGE THERE IS ONLY ONE SOURCE OF HEALING. And that is time. So do not excessively drink, eat ice cream, flirt, party, kiss a unicorn, etc etc etc in search of other options. Thou shalt not cause more emotional and physical harm to thineself in search of getting over the other party by excess of other activities. Thou shalt wait for time to do it's thang. 

FIVE: TO THINE OWN SELF GIVE GRACE. See above, rule 4. As time ist not thy quickest friend, thoust shall to thine own self give grace. Thy may see progress, and then end up breaking down in the cheese aisle of the grocery store or a park with a skunk or something. Give yourself grace. 


What break up rules would you add
to Dame Helen's list?

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