The 5 Assholes You'll Date in College: Part Two

February 17, 2013

This post first appeared on my Wordpress account. Since I'm switching to blogger, I'm bringing some of my favorite posts with me. If you missed part one, you can find it here. Also, these posts are just my sarcastic, sassy take on these things. While I like to mock my exes, I can honestly say that there's not one I wish I hadn't dated. If nothing else, they provided entertainment ;) Kidding!



3. THE HEARTBREAKER

 Otherwise Known As: The Serious Boyfriend, The “One,” Teddy Bear
Potential Characteristics: Jock, hates mushrooms, suspiciously single, loves dogs, calls his grandparents weekly, from Ohio, history of dating girls who turn out to be lesbians, suspicious lack of enemies, rational, likes girly television shows
Most Common Heard Phrase in this relationship: “I just want to make you happy.”
Average Length of relationship: 1.5 years
Average Length of time to get over breakup: 1 month for every “tradition” you shared, or ¾ the length of the relationship
Well, ladies, it’s that time. The #3 spot on the 5 assholes you’ll date in college goes to the much anticipated, always regretted: Heartbreaker. After dating some JFs and some OIPDs, you’ll finally run across him—usually at a party or on a porch while chilling with some friends. And your first thought will be: “He’s so normal!” After JFs and OIPDs, this boy is going to seem like a gift wrapped by God himself with a large blinking light. He will be sweet, but not overly sweet. Religious, but not beating himself (or yourself) with a Bible. You will be stunned by just how very normal he is after all the weird people you dated.
You’ll be in a daze. Every country song will suddenly apply to your life. Cloud nine will be your new residence. You will have more fights than are normal, but you won’t notice. Your girlfriends will assure you that normal couples fight, and that’s what makes your relationship grow stronger. You’ll meet families, kiss all the time, make your first batch of cookies for a boy and even carve your first “couple’s pumpkin.” Classic signs that you’re dating a Heartbreaker is when everything either becomes a “First” or a “Tradition.” First pumpkin, first dance, first holiday, first anniversary, first 2 month anniversary, first 3 month anniversary. Hey ladies, guess what? It’s also your last 2 month anniversary. It’s both your first, and your last….so stop counting.
The “traditions” are what will kill ya. Please, for the love of God, limit your traditions. The number of TV shows you watch together, the restaurant you go to for date night every week, and every other weird couple thing you only do with each other will become a tradition. So limit them. Because when you break up, those traditions will be haunting nightmares. Personally, I think a good average is that every tradition you share amounts to one month of time to get over in the breakup. So limit them. Because I can tell you from experience, catching up on three months worth of the Kardashians, Revenge, and Community is a bitch. (Also, why would you ever trust a boy who is watching the Kardashians with you? Seriously? Take a hint. There is something real wrong here).
Anyways. Back to the story. You’ll be inseparable. You’ll talk about getting engaged. You might even actually get engaged (hopefully not). And then wham. Without warning. It will end. Most people say we all have to experience one great heartbreak in our life in order for us to appreciate real love when we find it. Whatever.
Now, I can’t tell you that my personal breakup with the Heartbreaker taught me to appreciate true love. Maybe yours will. What I can tell you, however, is that it taught me an even more important lesson that I will carry with me for the rest of my life: If a man at any point in his life has ever dated a woman who then turned into a lesbian, DO. NOT. DATE. HIM.
I like to call this “part-time lesbian problems.” Here’s the deal. Once a man has had a girl date him and then be like ‘eh, I think I like women’….there’s just no going back. He will be permanently fixed on switching her back. It’s a male pride thing, I guess. They just can’t handle that a woman would rather kiss another woman than them. And hunny, you ain’t ever gonna get over that. So just stay away from them. That will be their fixation, and nothing you do will be able to stop that. So, watch out for the part-time lesbians. Heads up: they’re usually softball players, gym teachers, or from Ohio.
Signs this relationship is ending: Sudden “depression,” “work homework,” (I’m sorry…but what job gives you homework?) or if he says he “accidentally dialed his mom’s number instead of yours”
Classic Heartbreaker break-up line: “I don’t deserve you. You’re just too good for me.”
Fast ways to get out of this relationship: Talk about your need for a promise ring
Break-up song to help you get over it: “Sail” by AWOL Nation; “Undo It” by Carrie Underwood; “Wide Awake” by Katy Perry. DO NOT LISTEN TO ADELE.
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4. THE ALPHA MALE

Otherwise Known As: The Rebound, The Hottest Guy You Know
 Potential Characteristics: Frat boy, found at the gym, only eats protein powder, originally began as a rebound, good kisser, uses the phrase ‘casual monogamous relationship’ a lot, speaks multiple languages, immensely patriotic, likes Greek yogurt more than a sorority girl, has mono
Most Common Heard Phrase in this relationship: “I don’t think we need titles to define what we have here”
Average Length of relationship: What relationship?
Average Length of time to get over breakup: What break-up?
The AM usually starts as a rebound from the Heartbreaker. Alpha Males are exactly that…very….male. Remember when we were mourning the loss of men earlier as we dated an OIPD? Well, you found one. He will work out, have an intense sense of ‘duty,’ and be overly patriotic. He will even like babies. You’re going to be freaked out.
Now, for sorority girls or girls looking to ‘casually date,’ this is your perfect option. He will always understand when you have sorority stuff to do or would rather hang out with your sisters because let’s face it, he’d rather hang out with his bros too. A classic sign you’re dating an AM is when you catch yourself actually having fun dating. You won’t be arguing about theology, you won’t be stabbing your eyes out because he follows you like a puppy dog, and you won’t be arguing. This relationship will be characterized by something even more mind-blowing then the theological example in #1: calmness.
For girls, this is the kiss of death. When something is calm, we freak out. Surely there must be a hidden fetish? A secret girlfriend? A dead body under his couch? Why is he so chill?!?!?! Ladies. Chill. Enjoy. Don’t over question. One of the best things that comes from dating an AM is that you will learn that boys really don’t like to play games and that if they want or need something, they will straight up tell you. Sometimes, the honesty of an Alpha Male border on rude. Especially to girls, because we are just really not used to this.
Take advantage of this unique relationship to be yourself. Really. What? I know. There’s a unique aspect to this relationship that allows you this freedom. It comes from knowing this: You will never marry the alpha male. Trust me, ladies, he’s got a whole lot of villages to go plunder and terrorists to shoot before he’s ready for marriage. He is literally your knight in shining armor, but the part they don’t tell you in the fairy tales is that those knights had to go out and pillage a lot of lands to A) get rid of all that alpha male energy and B) even get that shiny armor in the first place before they were ready to swoop up their princess. But they skip that part in the fairy tales because eh, it’s boring (I’m bored already).
So back to the point. Take advantage of this! Do you know how much freedom this brings you? Ladies, it’s insane. It’s like the freedom you feel taking your bra off every night. Instant relief. You can be yourself. And, it’s baggage-free. Usually, because these relationships are short. There’s not enough time to drag out your past relationship scars, daddy/mommy/divorce issues, neurotic tendencies, and phobias. So just relax and enjoy. Rent the movies you actually want to rent, feel free to turn down his restaurant option, and eat more than salad in front of him. 
But true to Alpha Male form, the break up will suck. Remember when I said they’re straight to the point? Yeah. That means that when they don’t want to see you, they just won’t answer the phone anymore. So, take it for what it’s worth and don’t expect anything more. If you’re reading this right now while currently ‘dating’ an AM, that’s the best advice I can give you: don’t expect anything. Take every minute for exactly what it is.
Signs this relationship is ending: Graduation
Classic Heartbreaker break-up line: Unreturned phone call
Fast ways to get out of this relationship: Talk about your need to Define the Relationship
Break-up song to help you get over it: “Riding Solo” by Jason DeRulo
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5. YOURSELF

Potential Characteristics: Single, confused, female
Most Common Heard Phrase in this relationship: “Should I buy the white wine or the red wine tonight?”
Average Length of relationship: Your entire life
Average Length of time to get over breakup: 
Embrace it. You won’t be single forever. So do what you want to do. Eat cookie dough without shame, buy yourself wine, have fun doing things that you want to do. And during this, you’re going to learn the most important lesson: every single part of you is desirable. And the right man will take and love all of it. Be comfortable with yourself, and you’ll realize how much you’re worth. You’re worth everything. You’re beautiful and smart and funny and fun.
So date yourself, and get to know yourself. Because after that, no relationship will be the same.
Be confident, and the rest will fall in line. You have all your life to date your husband and do his laundry and accept his Valentine’s day presents, but you only have a little bit to play by yourself.
You are the hero of your own story.
Signs this relationship is ending: Death
Classic Heartbreaker break-up line: —-
Fast ways to get out of this relationship: Chain smoking, incessant tanning, or skydiving without a parachute
Break-up song to help you get over it: —-

6 comments:

  1. OH MY GOODNESS! It's ridiculous how true this is! So funny I love it! New follower from The Daily Tay! :)

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    1. Thank you!! I'm glad you enjoyed it =)

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    2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  2. This is absolutely histerical! I love this so much because it's so true. However, I've only dated the OPID...I'm a little worried about the AM and JF...especially the JF lol

    Whatevs, I guess, it is what it is.
    Love your blog by the way :)

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  3. OH MY GOD GIRL I just literally laughed out loud like no sister, I ain't kidding. These are all so true!!!

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