"Do you know what a monobster is?"
"Are they real?"
"Of course they're real!"
"What is a mob?"
"It's an angry group of men."
"Have you ever killed an angry group of men?"
"Yes. Every day."
"Really. I am the queen of the mob."
"You're actually pretty tough, Aunt Autumn. But you're pretty scared of touching frogs."
September 8, 2015
"Do you know what a monobster is?"
September 2, 2015
DUI GUY: Well, obviously I went to jail.
DUI GUY: Yeah, just so stressful. I just really don't need this right now. Really, really don't need this right now.
August 31, 2015
August 26, 2015
BEMOANING // The lack of a Starbucks on my way to work, and what this means for long, cold winter drives sans Peppermint Mochas. It's tough out here for a white girl like me.
DELIGHTING IN // The loads of leftovers from my two (TWO!) birthday dinners last night. Indulging in friends and good food is just heaven... and reliving that with leftovers is heaven, too.
(Just Finished) READING // "My Grandmother Told Me To Tell You She's Sorry" by Franklin Backman and holy shit I am obsessed. I want to start over from page 1. A grandmother tells her granddaughter a series of wild fairy tales, and then upon her death leaves the granddaughter letters which will take her on 'the last big adventure.' Along the way, the girl finds out that the fairy tales were more truth than fiction, and all reveal something about her grandma. Holy shit PRECIOUS. PRECIOUS. It's just everything you could want in a book: cozy, endearing, entertaining, fun and PRECIOUS. I want everyone to read this.
(Currently) READING // "The Truth and Other Lies" about a man who kills his side chick when he finds out she's pregnant, and spends the rest of the book running. Something about owning up to the truth blah blah. (And yes, upon re-reading this summary, I too am wondering why I'm reading such a depressing book....)
WATCHING // "Being Mary Jane" with Gabrielle Union on BET. Why? Umm. Good question. I just have a penchant for strong female leads with hot mess love lives who have all the career and none of the lurv. It makes me feel like maybe e'rything will work out (sans the small detail that my life is not a BET drama....).
LISTENING TO // The Hills by The Weekend. Can we stop playing that dumb ass face song of his on repeat, Radio Stations? Try this one on for size instead. Thanks.
THINKING ABOUT // A side hustle. And you. Always, you.
August 23, 2015
August 10, 2015
July 23, 2015
Quickly, I'd lose interest and set my phone down. And then it would start lighting up. New match. New match. New Match. Blah. Blah. Blah.
"What the fuck?!" Breakfast Lover would say. "How are you already getting matches?"
"This is not rocket science, this is Tinder."
"You literally just got more matches in 5 minutes than I've gotten in the past 5 months. HOW DO YOU DO THIS?!"
First of all, if a guy friend is ever desperate enough to ask you for advice on how to use Tinder more effectively, that's probably not the advice he really needs. He probably needs a pep talk and some workbooks on increasing self-esteem and not-putting-validation-in-things-that-dont-matter and finally, how-to-date-in-person-with-real-live-people-and-not-in-an-app-designed-for-hookups. But, after giving BL all these lectures and more (sorry for interupting class, #luvyouPricilla), he still wanted to know how he could be better at Tinder.
And this is what I told him. Which I will now share with you all. You're welcome.
TIP 1: PUT YOUR CELEBRITY SPIRIT ANIMAL IN YOUR PROFILE DESCRIPTION.
Celebrities are a common way we can relate. "Oh he looks like Bradley Cooper" (swipe right). "Oh he's funny like Aziz" (swipe right). "Oh he looks like that Park and Recs guy who does Nascar commercials" (swipe left).
If you put your celebrity spirit animal in your profile, it allows you to say more without saying more -- ya dig? For example, I put Mindy Kaling because she is most like me and also someone I admire. She is a #girlboss who makes no apologies for her hot mess dating life, smart as fuck, and the Queen of Sass. As the Official Queen of Sass, I appreciate this.
The point is, someone can read "I like Mindy Kaling" in my profile, and they know all these things that I like: #girlboss(es), sass, comedy, smart people. And if they don't know who she is... then they swipe left. Good riddance!
TIP 2: VARIATE TECHNIQUES.
Too many people are using Tinder for too many things. From hook ups to actual relationships, there's just something for everyone on the magical land of Tinder (see 'Queen of Sass,' above).
I used a two-prong approach: sometimes I would take it seriously, and sometimes I would use it exactly the way it was intended -- flipping through photos with absolutely no care for their profile description and solely judging them based on looks. Now BL, he would read every profile. Every. Damn. Profile. And flip through every photo. No. Ain't nobody got time for that shit. He refused the Tinder method of judging based on looks because he "wanted something serious" and thought that was "vain."
Here's the deal. If you do not occasionally play Tinder the way Tinder was designed to be played, the Tinder Gods will not reward you with matches. That's all.
TIP 3: TALK ABOUT EGGS.
I had a 100% first-date success rate with matches who I spoke to about my love of hardboiled eggs. Truth.
TIP 4: NO PROFILE PHOTO? NO PROFILE DESCRIPTION? EVEN BETTER.
Embrace that challenge! Guys, I promise you -- if they didn't write anything in their profile, it's not because they're married or hiding something... they just didn't have time or don't take it too seriously. It's totally safe to meet up with them!
TIP 5: TINDER IS TRUTH.
If you compiled Tinder profile descriptions and analyzed them, Americans would look like the most adventurous, outdoors-y people ever who spend all their time hiking and traveling*. Take this to heart! This is true! Everything they put in their profile should be read as absolute truth.You should then feel immense guilt about not being more of a hiker or world-traveler, and try to get them to meet up with you so they can spread their hiking and traveling knowledge. Because if anything, Tinder proved that you don't get outside enough and your life is a failure.
In summary: talk about eggs, take every profile legit dead serious and swipe left for dog photos.
No but seriously, the only way to win on Tinder is to get off Tinder. OFF.
July 17, 2015
This should probably be handwritten on paper, and not typed for the world to see on the internet. But paper is slow and typing is fast and you like this and I like pleasing you too much. So here we are.
You asked me once to write about (God I'll miss that) how it was to date someone who was always busy**. And I said I couldn't, because I didn't know how yet. But somewhere along the way, while not necessarily figuring out "how," I think I figured out at least why.
Dating someone who was constantly busy*** reaffirmed my own independent strength in a way relationships never had before.
I have always been a strong individual. This is not something I question. And yet, whenever I entered relationships all the strength I carried in my other interactions just melted out the door.
I'm pretty used to getting my way in relationships and having someone who dotes on my every move and is constantly available to me. And the thing about dating someone who is busy****/unavailable, isn't that they don't care any less than someone who isn't as busy/unavailable, they're just busy. And after a while, I started to filter things through the mindset of 'given that I know they only have limited X amount of time to text/call/speak through the day, what is actually the most important thing I want to get across in that limited time?'
Let's give an example.
When I start dating someone, I am the type of person who tells them everything. Car made a weird noise? Tell them. Coffee was cold? Tell them. Weird student loan bill? Tell them. Spent hours walking through a graveyard? Tell them. That was always my instinct -- tell them, tell them, tell them. And then I would get reaffirmed when they texted back.
Here's the thing. Dating a busy person forced me to get better at identifying what I really needed at that moment. Car made a weird noise? Call a mechanic. Unexplainable jump in student loan bill? WTF. He didn't even have student loans, call your loan officer. I slowly got better at thinking what do I really need at this moment? Sometimes I needed a mechanic, sometimes I needed a loan officer... a best friend to talk things through or a niece to make me laugh. Now I'm not saying your partner shouldn't listen, comfort, console, make you laugh, talk, etc. But, that's a lot of expectations to put on one person. And, I am perfectly capable of calling a mechanic. And, just because I am not sharing the experience (by talking about it, doing it, blah blah) with the Man Friend does not negate the goodness/badness/validity of the experience. I think that was what was most key for me to learn. I used to think, everything will be better when I have a husband. Bad days will be better and grocery shopping will be better and laughing will be louder and blah blah blah.
But that's not true. I still had a good time -- or a bad time -- whether I texted him 24/7 or saw him 24/7 either way. The experience was still the experience because it was mine. And somewhere in there I realized... the beauty's in the want. In the wanting to share that.
(THIS IS WHERE I GET TO THE POINT) === Essentially, what I'm saying is this. Person A texts you and asks you what you had for lunch. You answer. Person B texts you and asks you what you had for lunch. You scream, throw the phone into the passenger seat, and wonder 1) Who the fuck cares what you ate? and 2) Why does it matter.
The difference is in the want.
And there is beauty in the want. And there is contentment in waiting for the right person who you want to share things with. Lunch was fine, with or without Person A or B. Lunch was mine. Lunch will happen either way. And one day, you'll find someone who doesn't make you scream when they ask you what's for lunch.
Does anybody get what I'm saying? That was a long ass paragraph. The point is... dating someone who was busy***** made me get better at maintaining my own independence while looking forward to sharing the little things.
June 18, 2015
Before picking a fight, I encourage everyone to apply The Toddler Rule:
- Have you taken a nap within the last two hours?
- Have you had a snack within the last two hours?
June 17, 2015
June 8, 2015
It is the magic of the morning light, of the simple gesture of a coffee cup, and the light brush of spider arms. It is this, that keeps me going.
June 3, 2015
June 1, 2015
|Michigan State Capital|
|Wagner Falls in the Upper Peninsula|
May 31, 2015
"And that is your problem Autumn. You always believe in someone's ability to become better. You're always giving second chances, unlimited hope in their potential."
However, the thing that makes me strong within my profession is the very thing that makes me weak in my personal relationships.
For no matter how many times a person fails me, disappoints me, hurts me, or lies to me, there is always that voice in the back of my head that says they can be better, they can be better. Every time, I am convinced that person will be better -- that they will recognize their own flaws, and be moved to change them. Not for me. But for themselves, for their futures.
This things that makes me so strong at work, it kills me at home.
May 28, 2015
May 20, 2015
1. The Kardashian Phase
2. The Cleaning Phase
3. The Loner Phase
4. The People Phase
5. The Comcast Phase
May 18, 2015
"A wolf symbolizes survival, beauty, solitude, mystery, self-confidence and pride. You are able to keep your composure in a variety of social circumstances and blend into any situation with ease and grace. You are also a loner by choice. Negatively, the wolf represents hostility, aggression, or sneakiness. It may reflect an uncontrollable situation or an all-consuming force in your life. This could point to an obsession, an addiction or something that is beyond your control."
What's That Mean, Dream?
April 27, 2015
A photo posted by Autumn (@autumnlee816) on