5 Questions Not To Ask on a First Date

August 10, 2015

It turns out that I'm a pretty big bitch on first dates (aka first weeks and first months of talking to anyone new). First Date Autumn is amuck with pet peeves, and pretty much everything is a pet peeve to First Date Autumn. The same thing that bugs First Date Autumn will not bug Fifth Date Autumn. In fact, Fifth Date Autumn will probably ask all five of these questions -- and 27 more -- that First Date Autumn felt were nails-on-chalkboard, jeopardizing-a-second-date questions. 

But. I'm starting to like First Date Autumn. Her constant annoyance at everything is a pretty good barrier for assholes and nice guys alike, so she's doing a pretty good job keeping me from getting into any future harmful (or beautiful) relationships. Here are 5 questions First Date Autumn hates, and thinks that you should hate too. In fact, First Date Autumn recommends removing these questions from your next first date.

Don't make your date throw this face,
avoid these 5 questions today!

1. What do you normally order here?
WTF. First of all, if I confess that I have a "usual" I look like someone who doesn't like being adventurous. Or, if I admit I don't have a "usual" I look like a commitment phobe. Cool. 

Also, this just rubs me the wrong way. Like when somebody suggests you like something, or your parents try to shove youth group or, later, Christian Mingle down your throat. You just automatically start resisting. So now, because you have implied that I have a "usual," I'm going to go third-grade-brat-style on you and order something completely opposite just to prove to myself that I can order whatever I damn well please. This will end in disaster because now I'm going to be a hangry bitch because I'll order something I never normally would eat just to prove a point. 

2. Are you close with your parents? 
That's where you wanna go with this first date, really?
Bite me.

3. When was your last relationship? 
This question is just a passive-aggressive, shielded way of saying "how mentally and emotionally fucked up are you, so that I can thereby judge whether you're emotionally stable enough to start a new relationship or whether this is just a rebound fling?" 

First of all, that question actually tells you something. "When was your last relationship" tells you nothing beyond a numerical answer which you will arbitrarily judge as either good enough or a flight risk. It doesn't matter how long ago my past relationship was, it matters how ready I am for a fresh start. It could have been two days ago, to a nice, but just-not-magical-enough-in-the-spark-department. If I tell you two days, you'll think I'm a serial dater (true story, this has happened to me). It could have been a year ago, to a total abusive dickwad fucker. If I tell you a year ago, you'll think something's wrong with me (true story, this also has happened to me). 

4. Do you have a list?
I have a list of things I'd rather be doing than be on this date, yeah. 

This question may also masquerade as "what is most important to you in a relationship" or "what do you look for in a relationship" or "what qualities really turn you off." I dare you to find one person who asks this question and then honestly replies "Oh shit, honesty is important to you? And monogamy? Good thing I asked -- I'm actually super into cheating! Let's just get the check and leave before this goes any further." Find me that person and I will date the fuck out of them give them a high-five for honesty.

5. Why are you still single?
Well, if I weren't still single we wouldn't be here on this date soooooo... 

Also, this question sounds like something my Grandma asks me every time I am dumb enough to answer the phone. So now, I'm thinking about my Grandma. And no man wants the girl they're on a date with to be picturing dinner with their Grandma. 

Here's a good rule of thumb --
If it's a question your Grandma would ask you on the phone,
don't ask it on a first date.

Are there any questions that just rub you the wrong way?
I'd love to hear them, and mock them.

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