DATING DISASTERS // DUI Guy

This, ladies and gentleman, is what you should NOT do when someone calls you back to set up a time to go on a first date. Keep in mind throughout this story, that I do not know this kid and have only spoken to him for all of 30 minutes in a bar.
ME: Oh hi, this is Autumn. Just calling you back from your voicemail  about setting up a time for dinner. How's it going? DUI GUY: Oh hey Autumn! Good to hear from you! *Insert deep sigh* It's goin'... ME: Umm... DUI GUY: Yeah, just a bad, bad, very bad day.  ME: Oh, umm... I'm so sorry to hear that. What's wrong?  DUI GUY: Well, you know how after your sister and you left the bar,  I said I was going to go to another bar for a little bit?  ME: Yes. DUI GUY: Well, I did. And then when I went to leave that bar,  a cop pulled out behind me and... it's just really stressful, ya know? ME: Umm, yeah. That... sucks? DUI GUY: Yeah, just super stressful.  ME: So what happened?

DUI GUY: Well, obviously I went to jail. 

Alright. Let's hold the phone. OBVIOUSLY? What part of this story so far falls into "obviously"?!?! Am I supposed to now assume that every guy who asks me out is going to end up in jail first, obviously? Or that every time a cop follows someone it leads to jail, obviously? What about this is 'obviously'? 


ME: Oh... umm... DUI GUY: So yeah, now I'm just like super stressed out, ya know. Like I don't know, ya know?  Like I don't want to lose my job, or my house.  ME: I don't think that's how it works... DUI GUY: Has this ever happened to you? Or someone you know?  Cuz if I could talk to someone who's been through this, that'd be great...


Hey, here's an opening line that's never, ever worked: "Can I talk to you about your DUI experience?" What the.... Charles Manson had a better first conversation than this kid. And again, I DON'T KNOW YOU (and no, I do not have DUI experience anyways). 

DUI GUY: Yeah, just so stressful. I just really don't need this right now. Really, really don't need this right now.

I'm sorry, is there anyone who DOES need this right now? Find me the person running around the streets being like, "hey, you know what would help me right now? A DUI!" NOBODY NEEDS A DUI. Also, "not right now" implies that if you did have to get one, there would be a more optimal time to get one. When is the more optimal time to get a DUI? Please, riddle me that one, DUI Guy. 
So, kids, let this be a lesson: Don't drink and drive. And if you do, don't drink, drive and discuss a first date. Just chalk that one off as a loss and go to your court hearing. 
(No but seriously, when is the optimal time to get a DUI?)