8 Questions to Ask Your Uber Driver

It was 1:25 a.m., and Grown Up Cindy Loo Whoo was ready to go home. She felt the warm buzz of happiness and couch-dancing accomplishment, that would soon teeter on white girl wasted if she stayed out. So, like a good Cindy Loo would do, she called herself an Uber.  Now, if you give Grown Up Cindy Loo Whoo an Uber, she'll probably want to ask him the following:

1. Does everyone you meet bring a snack pack with them?

She will say this with a mouth full of street pizza and breadsticks, and when he says 'no, you're the first,' she'll loudly claim 'THAT'S DUMB. I NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT A SNACK PACK (#truth).' After she swallows half a breadstick at once, she'll probably want to ask:

2. How many girls who you pick up want to make out with you?

And she'll probably not wait for an answer before launching straight into the nitty-gritty:

3. Are you a Republican?

4. What do you really do?

5. Do they train you to talk to drunk people?

At this point, the Uber driver will have hit a red light, and he'll have to tap on the breaks. Cindy Loo's snack pack will go flying, BUT, thanks to the Halloween Gods, her ranch cup will land perfectly upright on the center console. Grown Up Cindy Loo Whoo will proclaim this is a sign. When pressed for detail about what sign she'll say she doesn't know but she's just very excited that Uber drivers keep their cars so clean so that the five-second rule still applies. Then she'll go on to the next set of questions:

6. My alley recently experienced our first instance of graffiti. Right there, on that garage! Look! Should I be concerned? It's hot pink. 

The Uber driver will confirm that yes, she should probably be concerned. Grown Up Cindy Loo will follow up with:

Grown Up Cindy Loo asks deep questions of life and Uber.

7. Do you think graffiti is a gateway crime? 

At this point, they will have safely arrived at her door. Cindy Loo Whoo will decide that now is an excellent time to confront something she hasn't wanted to in the past 12 hours: a pesky hangnail that is held on by her shellac. It hurts. It snags her tinsel. And it's time to do something about it. 
As soon as the Uber driver turns on the overhead light so she can collect her belongings, Grown Up Cindy Loo Whoo will shove her finger under his eyeballs and ask the eighth, and final question of the night, 

8. WHAT DO I DO ABOUT MY HANGNAIL? 

"OH MY GOOD LORD THAT LOOKS PAINFUL." "I'M GOING TO RIP IT OFF." "PLEASE DON'T RIP THAT OFF IN MY CAR. OH NO..." "I'M GOING FOR IT BRIAN." "OWW! WHY! NO!"
And then my friends, with one bleeding finger, Cindy Loo will gather her tinsel, dramatically rip a piece off and tell the Uber driver "this souvenir is for you" and exit the car.  If you give Cindy Loo Whoo an Uber driver, these are the eight questions she will ask him.