Move Over, Carrie: On Second Chances

I remember the day he said it. The light thumb finger pressing against my chin, both pushing me away and pulling me closer at the same time. That familiar movement used for too wide an array of scenarios -- for gently scolding children and puppies, for encouraging loved ones, for inspiring perseverance. That. 

"And that is your problem Autumn. You always believe in someone's ability to become better. You're always giving second chances, unlimited hope in their potential."

And that analysis struck me. Deep. It hit a chord because it was... true. I give infinite second chances. For as long as I can remember, I have been the champion of second chances and endless encouragement. Friend, family, boyfriend, stranger... it doesn't matter who they are or what their relation is to me, I always believe in their ability to become the absolute best version of themselves. I am the girlfriend at the door after the second missed date, worrying about their day at work. I am the stranger on the street corner, worrying whether my donation to the homeless man who just chatted me up was enough. I am the daughter at the dinner table, reminding my mother after a long day of work with kids that there is such hope there, they'll get better.
What hit me most about what he said, about this supposed flaw of endless hope in individuals, was that this is precisely what made me really, really good in my chosen professional career. This belief in individuals to rise above, to make their own happiness no matter what they may have previously done, propelled me to nonprofit work. It propels me to not give up hope, no matter how many articles or books I read on the many, many problems within the word. It's the thing that keeps me from getting overwhelmed when so many others look around and say but where do you even start.

However, the thing that makes me strong within my profession is the very thing that makes me weak in my personal relationships.

For no matter how many times a person fails me, disappoints me, hurts me, or lies to me, there is always that voice in the back of my head that says they can be better, they can be better. Every time, I am convinced that person will be better -- that they will recognize their own flaws, and be moved to change them. Not for me. But for themselves, for their futures.
And they don't.
In fact, I don't think I can find a single example  of when these second chances actually resulted in change. 
And yet the voice in my head, the breath in my soul keeps speaking.... they can be better, they can be better, they can be better. Just believe. 

This things that makes me so strong at work, it kills me at home.

It's that old adage... your greatest strength is also your greatest weakness. How often have we been trained to spin that interview question into a strength until there are really no weaknesses, just humble strengths? What is your greatest weakness? No no we say... I'm working on it, and it's really just a strength in the making. I'll be stronger, because I had to work for it.

Is there a dichotomy between your work-self and personal-self? Do you have something that makes you kill it at work, but alternately kills you at home? How many second chances do you give?

Shit My Niece Says

Moving on to the topic of hand. I saw this adorable link-up by Amber of Mr. Thomas & Me about what is your place of peace? And it got me thinking... where do I feel most at peace? I was almost greedy to come to the answer. My mind raced, in the midst of all of this all of this, please! Where is the peace? Transitions have never been my strong suit, that's for sure. Homework and libraries and schools used to be my place of peace, but graduation put a stop to that. So where was my sweet, sweet escape? 

With my little darling loves, my niece and nephew (and technically, nephews, but the second one is just really too young to count). I just adore them. I adore their warm little snuggly bodies, the way they think I'm really good at throwing a football, their ability to make a game out of anything and even, I realized, their 92 daily questions. So in no particular order, here are 92 (just kidding, try like 10) questions my niece and nephew have asked me in the past 72 hours. 
What is a sorority? What are the two most important things a citizen can do? Is it ok to do the sign of the cross at my friend's house when they pray? What is whiskey? Why is this man singing about whiskey? Why would kissing someone make you feel like whisky? What does it mean to feel bubbly? Why does kissing make you bubbly? Are you going to get married? Would you have a baby and not a husband? Would you adopt your babies? Why is the word penis only inappropriate when I say it? Look here, it's in my cat breeding book -- is this book inappropriate? Do you know my gym teacher? Do you like Taylor Swift? What is the difference between Taylor Swift and Meghan Trainor? Does every country song talk about whisky? Would you rather read my Minecraft book, or The Bible? What is uptown funk?

And my personal favorite...
[In response to a story he was telling...] Is that why Trevor called me a rat-cist (he meant racist....) on the bus?  Is that the same as a rapist?
If you have any answers, please do feel free to share. ;)


P.S. As a matter of housekeeping... Man Friend would like me to confirm that not only does he have a hot mom, but he is also very hot himself. He felt a little left out that my dream was mostly about karaoke with his family, and very little about him. So... let it be known that Man Friend is attractive. 

5 Phases of Unemployed Emotionz

Well la di da, look who showed up to the blog TWICE this week. Considering the only place I technically "have" to be is yoga once a week, I'm gonna take this small accomplishment with a hefty dose of self-congratulations. Killin' it, Hebbs (why yes, I do refer to myself in the third person with a shortened version of my last name in a strong, strong Michigan accent).  Today we're going to talk about something that almost everyone experiences (but if you're lucky, not for long) and makes everyone queasy, palm-sweating, heart-pounding: unemployment. But no, no I will not give you any tips or any pointers for either getting a job or getting through the inane boredom that comes. We're just going to have ourselves a nice little chat about the phases. 

1. The Kardashian Phase

You will watch every episode. You will begin to think that maybe Kim Kardashian really is a genius business woman, and maybe she's plotting something and we're all just distracted by her beauty. And then, at the moment that you start catching yourself rewatching an episode, you switch to Phase 2. 

2. The Cleaning Phase

It starts innocently enough, and then it just never, ever ends. I will say this... since finishing my contract at my last job, my apartment has been immaculate. Immaculate. Once, I went to open the blinds and greet the morning light. The next thing I know, I had spent over two hours -- TWO HOURS -- hand cleaning each and every little blind on every window shade with a wet towel. Once, I innocently went to the bathroom. Before I knew it, I was on my hands and knees scrubbing cracks and crevices in baseboards I didn't even know I had. Do you know how many times I've cleaned my baseboards in the past three weeks? SIX TIMES. 

3. The Loner Phase

Who, me? I love being alone. Man, look at this adorable apartment I live in. Coffee date? No thanks, I like to make my lattes at home. Lunch date? No thanks, I just made pasta salad and quiche and hardboiled eggs. I cooked the entire contents of my fridge, and will never be able to eat this by myself. Look at this freedom! Look at this independence! 

4. The People Phase

You start getting really, really emotionally attached to people you don't even know. You may even give them nicknames, and create entire backstories about them. That man you see walking on the same sidewalk as you? You two are obviously best friends, he just doesn't know it yet! And that adorable old couple redoing their front lawn... well, they're obviously going to become lifelong adopted-grandparents who send you lavish wedding gifts when the time comes. It's like you're a really small gang, that only you know about. The real shame comes when you start texting your actual friends about them, "Hey! I saw knife man today! Oh and book man was back too, with a Pepsi!" They just don't understand. Book man always drinks Mountain Dew. 

5. The Comcast Phase

We might call this "Rock Bottom." This is when you start jumping up and down for joy because praise Jesus, your internet is down! Guess what? TIME TO CALL COMCAST! This could take hours! Who knows how many representatives you'll have to talk to in order to fix the problem! The options are endless!  What's your favorite phase?  How do you occupy yourself with never-ending amounts of time?

What's That Mean, Dream?

WE'RE BACK. With one of my personal favorites... What's that mean, Dream? 
For you new (and returning long-time, thanks roomsicle and roomsicle's sister) readers, I have very elaborate, detailed, strange dreams. Sometimes they're just so weird that I like to take up my part-time hobby of dream interpretation and share them with you. So let's dive in, shall we?

THE DREAM

Last night, I dreamt that I was staying with Man Friend's family (whom I haven't met yet, so this was a strange dream) in Detroit (not where they actually live. What can I say, dreams are nothing but accurate). To help me meet them for the first time, Man Friend sent me a blooper reel of wedding clips from each family member's wedding. A blooper reel. Let that settle in. 
Then, we spent some time introducing ourselves at the house. We decided it would be a good idea to go karaoke-ing as a group (I hate karaoke), except the family was very adamant that when karaoke-ing we must all wear sneakers. Fortunately, when we got to the karaoke spot I was too late signing up for a slot and couldn't go. 
The dream ended when I had to go perform in a play... as a wolf. And all I could think was "how embarrassing is it that Man Friend's super, super hot mom (that is accurate to real life, she is super hot) is watching me crawl on my hands and knees and howl like a wolf? In case you're a stickler for details, the play was Arthur Miller's The Crucible, except the opening scene naked dancing girls had been replaced with wolf creatures, of which I was one (fun fact: I actually had that role in high school... but we did not do the wolf version. Our nude, flesh-toned body suits caused quite the scandal.). 

THE SYMBOLS

**All symbols analyzed by dreammoods.com, personal interpretation blah blah blah.
1. Blooper Reel of Wedding Clips To see a wedding indicates you are preparing for a new beginning or transition in life. Shockingly, 'blooper reel' was not available on dreammoods.com, so I went with 'comedy.' Because they were some pretty funny clips. Apparently, seeing something comedic in your dream indicates that you are taking something too seriously and need to lighten up.  So, if we combine these two, we would see that the blooper reel of wedding clips is a symbol of my need to be less uptight about my upcoming new beginning/transition. 
2. Karaoke To dream that you are not taking part in karaoke means that you are not utilizing your talents to the fullest (and vice versa).

3. Wolves Per usual, dreammoods.com has given us both a good and bad interpretation, and leaves it up to us worry-worts to fret. Here you go:

"A wolf symbolizes survival, beauty, solitude, mystery, self-confidence and pride. You are able to keep your composure in a variety of social circumstances and blend into any situation with ease and grace. You are also a loner by choice. Negatively, the wolf represents hostility, aggression, or sneakiness. It may reflect an uncontrollable situation or an all-consuming force in your life. This could point to an obsession, an addiction or something that is beyond your control."

So basically, I am either a super sexy goddess great at social situations.... or about to self-destruct due to my all-consuming nature. Thanks, Dreammoods.

What's That Mean, Dream?

I am preparing for a new transition in life, and need to calm the eff down and take things more lightly. If I do not loosen up, I risk turning from sexy wolf goddess to crazy self-desctructive wolf. 

_____

All in all, a pretty good dream. And pretty accurate. I have been getting pretty tense about the job search lately, so I suppose I could use a good dream-reminder that the world will not end today. Thanks for joining this version of What's That Mean, Dream?. I am always available for personal dream interpretations (I just ask my roomsicle and roomsicle's sister, I provide excellent, timely assistance!). 

Laters, baby (PS let's talk about the epic failure which was the ending of that movie... laters).