5 Phases of Unemployed Emotionz

May 20, 2015

Well la di da, look who showed up to the blog TWICE this week. Considering the only place I technically "have" to be is yoga once a week, I'm gonna take this small accomplishment with a hefty dose of self-congratulations. Killin' it, Hebbs (why yes, I do refer to myself in the third person with a shortened version of my last name in a strong, strong Michigan accent). 
Today we're going to talk about something that almost everyone experiences (but if you're lucky, not for long) and makes everyone queasy, palm-sweating, heart-pounding: unemployment. But no, no I will not give you any tips or any pointers for either getting a job or getting through the inane boredom that comes. We're just going to have ourselves a nice little chat about the phases. 

1. The Kardashian Phase

You will watch every episode. You will begin to think that maybe Kim Kardashian really is a genius business woman, and maybe she's plotting something and we're all just distracted by her beauty. And then, at the moment that you start catching yourself rewatching an episode, you switch to Phase 2. 

2. The Cleaning Phase

It starts innocently enough, and then it just never, ever ends. I will say this... since finishing my contract at my last job, my apartment has been immaculate. Immaculate. Once, I went to open the blinds and greet the morning light. The next thing I know, I had spent over two hours -- TWO HOURS -- hand cleaning each and every little blind on every window shade with a wet towel. Once, I innocently went to the bathroom. Before I knew it, I was on my hands and knees scrubbing cracks and crevices in baseboards I didn't even know I had. Do you know how many times I've cleaned my baseboards in the past three weeks? SIX TIMES. 

3. The Loner Phase

Who, me? I love being alone. Man, look at this adorable apartment I live in. Coffee date? No thanks, I like to make my lattes at home. Lunch date? No thanks, I just made pasta salad and quiche and hardboiled eggs. I cooked the entire contents of my fridge, and will never be able to eat this by myself. Look at this freedom! Look at this independence! 

4. The People Phase

You start getting really, really emotionally attached to people you don't even know. You may even give them nicknames, and create entire backstories about them. That man you see walking on the same sidewalk as you? You two are obviously best friends, he just doesn't know it yet! And that adorable old couple redoing their front lawn... well, they're obviously going to become lifelong adopted-grandparents who send you lavish wedding gifts when the time comes. It's like you're a really small gang, that only you know about. The real shame comes when you start texting your actual friends about them, "Hey! I saw knife man today! Oh and book man was back too, with a Pepsi!" They just don't understand. Book man always drinks Mountain Dew. 

5. The Comcast Phase

We might call this "Rock Bottom." This is when you start jumping up and down for joy because praise Jesus, your internet is down! Guess what? TIME TO CALL COMCAST! This could take hours! Who knows how many representatives you'll have to talk to in order to fix the problem! The options are endless! 
What's your favorite phase? 
How do you occupy yourself with never-ending amounts of time?

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  1. This.was.hysterical. TOTAL perfection. Book man ALWAYS drinks Mountain Dew.

  2. My "Kardiashians" phase was a "Netflix" phase because it happened before we had cable.

  3. Haahahahahha I am on the cleaning phase right now. soo funny!


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