How To: Determine Fight-Worthiness With Your Man Friend

As we all know, I am quite the feisty individual. If there was a profession which involved picking fights, I would be a billionaire (Is there a profession that needs this skill? Please, tell me. So I can start my accession to the top of the career ladder.). 
But how do you know when it is worth it to pick a fight with your Man Friend, and when it is not worth it? Because we all know, those who pick 'em, must apologize for 'em first. And nothing is worse than having to apologize for a fight you didn't even need to have -- so make sure it's a valid fight (and then, after confirming validity, WIN!).

Before picking a fight, I encourage everyone to apply The Toddler Rule:

1. Have you taken a nap within the last two hours?

1. Have you had a snack within the last two hours?

If you answer no to either of these questions, then take a nap and a snack and then check in on your emotions afterwards. If you can answer yes to BOTH of these questions, then proceed to evaluate the fight-worthiness level using this handy dandy chart which I created for you. You're welcome.

*Sarcasm included, The Unreal Life is not responsible for any and all fights picked up or left behind as a result of this chart. Use in consultation with your favorite glass of wine. If your fight lasts more than four hours, consult a friend.

Macking Out

Do you ever get really excited when someone else uses a word that secretly this whole time you've been wondering if it's a word? For example, one time I tried to tell my friend Chris that so and so was a total sexpot and he just stared at me like a Martian was waving out of my eyeball. It was a disappointing moment to realize that sexpot was not an actual word, and just something that my sisters had made up at some point and I had just permanently believed this was a real word. So, imagine my pure joy when SOTR (Sister of the Roomsicle) used the word MACKING. As in, "we were macking all the time."
I giggled in delight. My mother used to use that word! She would use it interchangeably with the wordless version (because in our household, macking was super dirty and couldn't be said), which was to spread her hand out, fingers splayed all over the place, and wave it gently back and forth. Like a really over-eager hello, except slower. That motion never really screamed "macking" to me, but whatever. I was in enough trouble over macking, I didn't want to get in more trouble pointing out that she was just waving hi, slowly.
So, let's talk about the first time Autumn got in trouble for macking. 


Let's set the scene. First grade. Walker Elementary. Heart of the Michigan Midwest, a small population grows up in the dust bowl of.... oh shit, wrong story. First grade. Pleasant Michigan town, if not a little run down. Kids with nothing to do, future full of life (or jail) ahead of them. Man, this is getting dramatic...
So in first grade, I had a super big crush on this little black boy. We would flirt all the time. All. The. Time. It's a wonder I learned how to read, I was so distracted flirting with him. And touching his little afro. A girl never forgets her first afro. 
One day, Little Boy and I decided that we wanted to take our relationship to the next step. Clearly, we should have a play date outside of school hours. I asked him to give me his address, so I could give it to my mom. And what did that little fucker do? 
He came back with his address, written in PENCIL on dark PURPLE construction paper. 


He might as well have written with sharpie on black construction paper. It was impossible to read. 
And I remember him handing it to me, and I stared down with total disgust and the only thought was, "What a dumb little shit. Doesn't he know you can't read pencil on purple?" And I was instantly disgusted by him, and no longer wanted to flirt with him. Because he was dumb, clearly. 
But, I still macked in the sandbox with him at recess even though I knew he was dumb as a rock. If that wasn't a foreshadowing for the rest of my life, I don't know what is... #SOML #SMH

Simplicity. And Morning Light.

I fall in love with things in the morning. 
Which is funny, because by all means I would never describe myself as a morning person. I do not rise early. I do not look forward to jumping out of bed. I am someone who loathes the torturous process of waking up. 
And yet, I fall in love in the morning. 
This is what I realized this morning, while thinking about that morning. 
I think it's the morning light. That evasive, elusive, poetic thing. In that raw morning light, where there is just... being. The day has yet to start, words have yet to be spoken. No one is reading into anything or analyzing. People are just being. Breathing. Resting. There is raw hope and honesty and promise in these morning rays, and I think that is why it reaches into my very heart and makes me fall in love. 
.... I am a lover of the simple things. The simple moments. I don't fall in love with grand gestures. I fall in love with seemingly unimportant moments that pass in the blink of an eye. It happened twice this weekend.  I fell in love in the raw morning light, in the way you kissed the back of my neck while I stood methodically pressing the espresso machine buttons for your cup of coffee. The fullness of affection was overwhelming to me. If you had asked, I would have handed you my heart right then and there  with your morning coffee like a scone on a paper napkin. I froze, and I think it might have scared you. But I froze, foolishly thinking if my body froze the moment could freeze too.  I fell in love on itchy carpet, a half child - half spider crawling on top of me, torturing me with tickles and child threats of eating my face off. Her hand was crawling across the carpet and suddenly it was like I had never seen it before -- those itty-bitty fingers, those itty-bitty nails! They were so thin in that light, they could have been translucent. I caught her hand crawling across the carpet. "Mari, your hand is so tiny!" She stared at me like I was crazy, her full-grown eyes bugging out of her tiny child head. "You've seen them before!" she squealed before running off to attack my feet.  I fell in love in the hazy light of midnight lamps against ink black skies, as she weaved her thin little arm like needle and thread behind my head and asked me half-whisper if I could stay just a little longer. In the way she pulled my head closer when it wasn't close enough, and methodically fed me pretzel rods so that I wouldn't move from my position.  .... All of my friends are having goodbye parties lately, it seems.  Their hearts fall out of their sockets for the call of a new adventure, new city, new land, new taste, new experience. They crave change. They crave being wild and free. They go weak in the knees for a new view.  My heart falls out of my socket for morning coffee in morning light, and spider arms feeding me pretzel rods in front of the glowing screen of Octonauts. I crave simplicity. I crave a monotonous routine of incomprehensible beauty. I go weak in the knees for coffee cups and spider arms.  My friends laugh at me now, at the easy way I've tapped out of the bar scene and crowded, rowdy nights of too many people at one table with sticky cups and cans. They laugh at me, knowing that I crave these simple things that make me sound more like a 40 year old, and less like a 24 year old. They ask me how I can survive so many dating disasters, how I can keep going and going. 

It is the magic of the morning light, of the simple gesture of a coffee cup, and the light brush of spider arms. It is this, that keeps me going. 

Because this. Because at the end of this all, is waking up to the same person every morning for the rest of my life and falling in love all over again in the morning light. It is coffee cups and spider arms and simplicity and routine and love. 
.....

5 Apologies You Should Make in a Break Up

Break ups are hard. We get it. But there's a way to ease that pain, sugar, with five simple apologies you should be making in a break up.  Have you stopped to pinpoint where the source of post-breakup discomfort is coming from? In the midst of apologizing to former loved ones, have you taken the time to apologize to former loved things? That's right kids, both inanimate and animate objects deserve your apologies during this time! So if you're still feeling an overwhelming source of angst and anxiety, check in with those inanimate objects around you. Their angst over not being apologized to could be leading to a negatively-charged environment. Would Jesus want your Catholic guilt limited to just human relationships? No! Spread that love with the world of inanimate objects too!  With just five simple apologies, you could be well on the way to emotional rejuvenation -- thanks, things!

Dear Phone: Soon, we will return to the easy companionship we used to know -- late night scroll-fests through Twitter. Laughing together at the latest ugly baby photos on IG. My hand misses the soft warmth of your constant weight as well, so I will send it your condolences. But for now... it's back on silent and into the drawer you go. Lo siento, baby. 
Dear Running Shoes: I know you must think I'm overworking you, but think how I feel... I know you were enjoying your life of leisure, but every vacation must come to an end. Time to get to work. 
Dear Bed: In. Out. In. Out. I know, you are frustrated by my inability to make up my mind! I am too. I'm sorry for the confusion I have caused you with my indecision. I look forward to resuming normal sleeping/napping patterns soon. I'm sorry. 
Dear Downstairs Neighbor: I apologize for the amount of late-night redecorating and furniture moving I've been doing lately. All my furniture will stay in one spot now, I solemnly promise. 
Dear Snapchat: I apologize for abusing your Story feature lately. I know, I know. I should have never put you in the middle of this. You're right. You are far superior to a Tony told Abby to tell Sarah -- but not tell Sarah Tony told Abby tell Sarah -- that he said but didn't say situation. I love you, Sally Snapchat Story. 

Who else should you be apologizing to in a break up?

May: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

I kind of like these monthly recap posts people do. Sue me. I also kind of like writing a post to get my brain going before writing copy after copy of endlessly boring cover letters. So -- here we go! 

THE GOOD

Soaking up precious moments of time with friends and family. Since school and work ended, I've been going through people withdrawal. I definitely took it for granted getting to be surrounded by those I care about on a daily basis. Now, I appreciate them even more when I see them and find myself happy to soak up the minutes in their company. 

Michigan State Capital

Wagner Falls in the Upper Peninsula

Other goods: getting to help my sister surprise my niece with her first puppy. Date nights. A salmon risotto that I am still dreaming about (yes, one meal can be the highlight of a whole month). Road trips that allowed me to see some beautiful things -- like the state capital and gorgeous waterfalls. The return of paddleboarding season (and the return of blogging!)! 
Shameless blogger plug: you can follow along with more of my road trip/daily adventures on instagram blah blah blah.

THE BAD

Being unemployed sucks, there's just really no way around that. A lot of the time I am immensely bored and feel like I could run up the wall at any given point. It's hard to motivate yourself to fill out application after applications when you know the majority will go unacknowledged. 
"You can't turn a hoe into a housewife." We'll just leave that one there.

THE UGLY

When selfies go so, so wrong.

(Also, an art student took this.... shouldn't they take the best selfies?!?!)

What was the good and bad of your May month?

Share below!