Female Periods, Male Perspective

December 10, 2013

Today we're going to talk about something that, surprisingly, for a community filled with women rarely comes up unless someone pays us $80+ to post a photo of a tampon. Periods. We're talking about periods today. (And no, someone didn't pay me to write on this topic and there won't be any pictures of products to buy. Lo Siento.)

I'm one of those women who has been blessed with mild periods. Super mild. Aside from the occasional headache and aching...body parts...they usually pass with just mild annoyance. But sometimes...the holy wrath of Female Woes comes down upon me and decides to make me pay for months of only mild discomfort. And when that happens, it is inevitable that I am scheduled to work at a job that requires smiling and standing and running around and smiling and standing some more. Meanwhile my insides are dying and I'm a hot mess of hormones and pain. And this is just a little insight into what that day looks like, from the eyes of the men I work with--poor souls. 

Jeff, the bartender
Autumn, normally very upbeat and happy, walks in looking like a ray of death. Normally she says hi. What does she say this time?
"Where the f**k is everyone?"
Like excuse me, who am I? Am I no one? So I just ignore her. 
Until I'm in the back and hear this atrocious banging sound. I come out front and Autumn is trying to clean the candle votives of useless wax by banging them on the counter. Physically banging them. 
She just looks up and flatly states, "this isn't working" and hands me the whole tray of dirty votives. 
Well of course that's not working. 
She never did say hi. 

Gabriel, the official bread-cutter and salad-maker
I put the bread on the shelf and say "Autumn, bread."
To which she promptly twists around and says 
"Oh really? Is that what that f***ing is? I had no idea that's what bread looks like."

"You look like you want to eat me with your eyes. 
Every month, this happen to the woman. 
You look like you want to choke me, to kick me. 
Oh, this is funny to you now?
Every month. Every month. 
I just say ok.
These things happen."

Shamari, the dishwasher
"Oh, you're not feeling well?
Tell you what you do girl, 
you get yourself a big bottle of Jack D and a few blunt--no?
Ok, well just get some whiskey and put some tea in it. You feel no pain no more baby girl."

And that my friends, is what the female period looks like according to the eyes of my male coworkers. Share your related funny stories below, or just general commiserations. 

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  1. Hahaha, love this! Absolutely hilarious, couldn't stop smiling while reading this.

  2. Lo siento? NO lo siento. And this week it's toilet paper. All the "IT" girls are blogging about toilet paper. Charmin, I believe. Let's try to keep up.

    And is there anything worse than having to stand there and SMILE at these insipid, 15% tip leavin' nincompoops, who expect that you'll dance and sing and do a little shimmy for your nickels? No, no there's not. Nothing to make a night in the service industry a little more bright like an achey, bleeding hoo ha.

  3. Bahahah this made my day. This was the best post I've ever written. Jeff and Miguel's responses had me rolling haha.

  4. bahah i'm actually dying. but i guarantee my male coworkers probably feel the same. i get really bad ones since i went off BC. so i'm a MONSTER.

  5. hahahaha! men just don't get it. i always warn my husband that i'm on my period or getting my period because i legit say: i'm PMSing. which means i'm two seconds away from murdering someone. don't let that be you.

    i also have light periods too but my PMS? HUMANS, STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME.

    Vodka and Soda

  6. This is so funny. I love Miguels the best though. These things happen.

  7. Bahahahahahahaah! I wish men could have periods for a single DAY!

  8. Ohhhhhhh hahahahaha this. is. hilarious. Ryan stated early on that I'm to warn him three days prior to a period so he knows when exactly nothing he says or does will be right :)


    this is priceless. because you honestly won't get it unless you work/have worked at a restaurant. god do i love this.

  10. HAHAHAHAHA! Omg, "you look like you want to eat me with your eyes" is priceless. Dear Lord, men are so clueless!

  11. hahaha this is hilarious. i love the comment about the bread. I can totally see myself saying that!

  12. Haha I love the dishwasher. I'm with him on the bottle of Jack D.


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