Here's the thing. A long time ago, I wrote how I wanted to be more honest on this blog. Because when I'm not honest, I tend to just not write at all and that's unfortunate because I do love writing. Because when I'm not honest, I tend to write...6 posts per month? Wowza.
A few weeks ago, I asked readers what they wanted to hear about on The Unreal Life. And a few of you commented, "just more about what's going on in your life. What have you been doing?" And I just really genuinely could not answer that. Looking back, the past two-ish months have been filled with some of the most ridiculous highs and lowest lows I can remember in my life. Not the hardest, and not the happiest. I'm merely commenting on the frequency of these two extremes. It just seems that for the longest time now, it's been back and forth and back and forth and back and forth.
Last night, I had to email a professor back about how I hadn't been able to turn around a conference attendance application quick enough. And I stumbled over the words. Because the truth was, I couldn't do it because I just had too much personal shit going on then to do anything but the bare minimum academic wise. But there's not a good way to type that. There's not a good way to type, I was busy holding my shit together.
But sometimes isn't that all you want to type? And sometimes isn't that the only justification you need? Life happens. Shit happens. And sometimes, holding yourself together and getting through it all without losing your ever loving mind is all the accomplishment you need.
So I made a list. A list of all the unexpected, unplanned, mental, physical and emotional events (both good and bad) that have categorized my month of extremes.
Start of a new fellowship
Dealing with a manic-depressive
Dealing with a psycho
Coming back together
Coming maybe not back together
And on and on. All while attending graduate school full-time, completing all assignments, and working four nights per week. And general life maintenance--bills, showers, groceries.
Then I made a second list. A list of all the things I had dropped the ball on while dealing with these other things. Guess how many things made that list? Four. FOUR. And one of them was a freaking coffee date. So that only counts like half. Guys, I cut myself no slack during this time. I had a huge influx of things drawing my attention, and I just stepped up more. And when I looked at it that way, I felt good.
I held my shit together.
To be truthful: sometimes during this past month my version of "cutting myself slack" was to give myself timed periods throughout the day to crawl back under the covers and just close my eyes. Not to sleep. I just wanted total blackness. I'd set my alarm for 5 minutes. And then I'd go back to facing everything. But this Sunday during one of my little mental health breaks in the total dark, I thought this isn't enough anymore. I felt my mojo coming back. I didn't just want to survive, I wanted to excel. I wanted to be productive and in charge and confident about pushing my life where I wanted it to go.
All this to say, I hope I can maintain that feeling throughout the week. Because Lord knows this to-do list is not one that can be pushed back.
And for you who made it through this whole post, cheers to you! And hopefully more than one of you is nodding her head and saying "Me too! Me too!" CHEERS TO YOU TOO. If you've been a ball of stress or going through crazy things, take that time to pat yourself on the back. Because holding yourself together IS an accomplishment, and it's okay to give ourselves credit for that. We're so busy always chasing for the next thing we can put on a resume and move on from, that sometimes we're scared to reduce it to the simple things. You made it. Cheers. Cheers to everyone.
Anyone else feel this?
What's something you'd like to give yourself a pat on the back