If you miss Part One, catch up here. Basically: my niece's kitten died and she found comfort in a piece of advice that I had written to her on a school projects months and months ago. And it made me super emotional.
I don't often talk about God on this blog, or my faith...but sometimes when He smacks you in the face so hard with such a clear message...Well, you gotta give credit where credit is due. And most often, He smacks me in the face with Emma, my little guardian angel.
This past weekend was a big one for me. A deadline, a time-mark, an anniversary, a much anticipated, awaited thing. And that's all I'm going to give you there. But suffice to say, I've been waiting for this weekend for a long time. Wondering how it would feel when it came. Wondering if this particular anniversary, this particular loss would knock me off my feet.
I've been waiting for This Day, right, but in the waiting I kept wondering if it would ever be possible to stop waiting. Or if once this day passed, I would just start waiting again. For 365 days to pass, and to see where I would be at the next point. Would my life be back on track? Would I be back on track? Would I still lose whole days to thinking about this day? Would I be okay? That's all I kept asking -- would I be okay?
That's a whole lot of nothing. I know. But for those of you who have experienced deep loss, or unexpected, life-altering things...then picture that. Picture a source of anxiety or tension or stress or unexpectedness that pushed you to re-evaluate everything. You picture your thing and I'll picture my thing, and then this post will be relate-able, deal?
Basically, what I'm trying to say is this (sort of). I've been waiting for This Day for a long-ass time. Hoping that by the time This Day came, I would be OK. Or I would be not OK. But not somewhere lost in between. I wanted to judge my particular growth (or lack there of) by this time period. And I was faltering, stumbling, mumbling my way through, not really getting the clarity I wanted.
So I called my niece, to check on her and her little kitten heartbreak, and I got that smack of God-given clarity that comes once in a blue moon but reminds you that He is King and all things come in His good time. Because as she recited the words back to me once again, I realized the positions hadn't really switched at all. She really was still giving me exactly what I needed, one word at a time. Through her, He was giving me my answer to this much anticipated Day and Question.
Everything will be ok in the end; if it's not ok, it's not the end.
"So it's not the end, right? Because ok is still coming."
"You're right, Emma. It's not the end."
For either one of us. It's not the end. There's forward and there's up and there's down and there's a whole lot more to come, but there's no more of This particular heartache for either one of us. We are not stuck here, stagnant. Either way, we're going through and on to the next day. To the next OK. Which will come, because it's not the end. So we have that to look forward to with hope and joy and faith. And most importantly, with eachother.