When in Wine

The past 48 hours have been dominated by a little something we like to call--wine. If you haven't noticed, I tend to go big or go home on the weekdays instead of on the weekends like normal people. It's all part of the unreal life, folks. Oh gosh, where to begin? 

Because obviously the best place to start a first date is on an empty stomach and a glass of wine. #winningfirstimpressions
— Autumn Lee (@thejanklife) October 10, 2013

Let's start with this. I was not prepared. As in, so unprepared that even the cook at work asked me how long it had been since I showered. So when super hott classmate (who was less hott when he denied me access to Bow Wow, that asshole) asked me out for drinks, I was slightly flabbergasted. I mean...you denied me Bow Wow. I haven't showered in three days. The cook could use the grease in my hair instead of cooking oil. But then, a train blocked my car (this is becoming much too frequent in my life) and there was literally nothing to do. So...we went for a drink. 
And I laughed until my cheeks hurt. Like literally, sitting there holding my cheek muscles in because I wanted to die from laughing. And then the wine hit my empty stomach and shit got unreal type of jankity jank. Like when he asked me why white people were scared to look at black people and I cited fear of their "swag-like head bobs." He didn't buy that. 
And then somehow....we ended up at Sam's Club. Where I started raving about their samples and the poor man asked multiple employees if they would bring any out for me (they wouldn't). 
And then there was that time when he told me he wouldn't let his daughter carve a pumpkin because that was some "white shit" and I tried to argue that it was in fact a geographical cultural norm, and not exclusive to white people. All Midwest people carve pumpkins, damn it. 
And then we ended up in a car wash. Which is one of my most favorite things ever (true fact: I once requested for my birthday to spend the day finding the longest car wash in Michigan). 
And then we ended up back at my car, where I gave him unsolicited parenting advice about the importance of carving pumpkins. 
And that folks, is why you don't go on first dates on an empty glass of wine.  An empty stomach. And a glass of wine.  Clearly.  I need food.