Customer of the Week: Dating Advice

November 18, 2013

Once upon a time, Michael Cain, Brad Pitt and pre-fat Jonah Hill--as they requested to be called--walked into a restaurant. And they became fast friends with their favorite waitress in the whole wide world, me! 

As I struggled with the wine bottle (per usual) they decided they needed to know a little bit more about this poor weakling who was standing at their table with sweaty hands for so long. So they asked me what I was doing in Grand Rapids, etc which naturally followed to what kind of charity I would ultimately like to work for. Ideally: Catholic Charities West Michigan. Oh you're Catholic, they said? Why yes, yes I am, I said. They were too (hollah). Which then led, somehow, to a rather deep discussion of the adoption process and the birthmother's psychological state before she proceeds. Which of course, we all know I have some pretty strong opinions on. 

And that kind of threw their dinner into a serious tone, as the youngest (pre-fat Jonah Hill) told me later. So of course...cue Catholic guilt. I felt bad having thrown their dinner into such dismal tones, so I told them I had a more light-hearted story to share. 

I told them about the ketchup-licking incident

Which of course led to...tell us more dating disasters!

Which led to the bong story. And the Bass Pro Shop story

And then they needed to do I meet these people?

And then, after that, they invited me to sit down (who am I kidding, I was already sitting) and offered some sage advice on dating. They were quite, quite concerned for me after these stories. 

Here is their advice. Girls are ten times hotter in church. Therefor, you are far more likely to meet a boy in church. The end. Oh, and pray. Pray hard. 

Their father (Michael Cain) showed me a gorgeous prayer card he carries in his wallet every day, but said I couldn't have it. Just that I should memorize it right there and pray it every day. Of course, determined to outdo their father, Jonah and Brad emptied their wallets of all the things I could have. Which included a one dollar bill, a guitar pick and a three-punches-away-from-full Zoup rewards card. 

And that my friends, is my weekend tale of how I went from failing at opening a wine bottle to getting dating advice and a Zoup rewards card. And that my friends, is their weekend tale of how they went to a restaurant for family dinner and came out with the waitress' blog address so they could keep track of her dating disasters and any future wedding updates. 

How was your weekend?
If you've been a waitress, what's the best thing you've ever received as a tip?

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  1. This post is an absolute scream! Were none of these young Catholic gentlemen available for you?? :)

  2. Being adopted is one of my favorite parts about my life :)
    Anyway! This is fabulous, you've got to be the best waitress in the world. I hope they are reading this post - Hi guys!

  3. Thanks for the fun times and the blog post. Did you wink at anyone at church?

  4. You must meet the most random and interesting people and have quite interesting conversations with this job!

  5. I love this! One of the main perks of being a waitress is getting to meet so many people. It's always the best when they're friendly and decide to chat up their unassuming waitress! Seriously loved everything about this though, it had me laughing so hard!

  6. I only wish I could have a waitress as charismatic as you are! Most of mine are either way too frazzled or have deer-in-headlights faces.


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