That time I told my niece Mary was an attention-whore

I didn't hear the tornado sirens, but I did see the pack of five moms running in unison and that's kind of the same thing, right? That's right. I survived my first Missourah tornado.

Consequentially (not really, the storm has nothing to do with it) I am having immense writer's block. I read a blog today that really struck a chord with me when the writer said that blogging forces her to be more present in the moment and drag things out. Because really, our life is funny and it is adventurous, but so often we're waiting for "the next big thing" that we miss it. So, while I'm here, I want to remember being here. And a huge part of my life here in good ol' Missourah has been the kids I get to work with in the nursery. I recently realized that perhaps my sass has gone a little too far, especially when it comes to children. I imagine their not listening...but they could be...So for now, until my writer's block heals, enjoy the following sample of my sassy-child interactions.

12-year-old: hey! hey! hey! 

me: WHAT

12-year-old: i got a lunchbox (he has been repeating this for about 30 minutes, 

and I finally catch on)

me: yeah? did you get the velcro too? 

*12-year-old's mouth drops open in utter horror*: how do YOU know that song???

*church choir singing*

6-year-old girl: this music SUCKS

me: HEY. That is the music of the LORD. 

Israel (the special needs boy I watch, who has absolutely no sensory perception) has developed a new habit of whenever he's in a crowd, just putting his arm straight out (Hitler style, no joke) and pushing through into anyone in his way until they move. So of course, he does this to a 60 year old woman, and of course, his hand comes to the height of her butt. Which he proceeds to push on. For a few too many seconds. 

Me: Israel! If you're gonna touch her butt, you could at least say hello!

Creepy 70 year old man behind me: Heh heh, he's just starting early. 

And now...the grand finale. Throwback Thursday...to Christmas...me...and the love of my life...re-enacting the Christmas nativity story. Please enjoy the key parts where I teach her that:

 +Mary was "big and fat and pregnant and this made her very tired"  

+Jesus's "first friends were other animals in the manger, who he sometimes slept with but surprisingly never crushed him" 

+Mary loved all the attention she got when the three kings came bearing gifts

And yes, she does jump in shock when I sneeze at the end. Seriously. Best 5 minutes you'll ever spend.
(Also, sorry I'm not sorry I'm not a professional videographer and at one point my fat fingers cover the mic for like...a minute. But just turn your sound up, it's still gold!)

Like I said...I should watch what I say more...

Day made? You're welcome.

Catching Up: Brunches, Weekends, Tricks and More

Oh heyyy. Wanted to share a little love and a little update of what's been going on. I know...weekend updates take place on Mondays, not Tuesdays, so..eh, I'll do it when I get to it.

Last weekend was a grand ol' time. I volunteered for my alum club's Fraternity Day of Service. Our fraternity's philanthropic focus (or "thrust" as the 80-year-old woman volunteering with me kept saying) is literacy. This year, we set up in a local Barnes and Noble and handed out stickers, bookmarks, Dr. Seuss hats and activity and coloring sheets to kids in their children's section. I forgot how much I love their kids' section. The other volunteers and I spent a solid four hours reminiscing about our favorite kid's books, coloring with kids and scoping out single dads (well, that might have just been me).

Sunday, my boss invited me and my fellow orphan-coworkers to Easter dinner at his apartment. I promptly freaked out and threw the contents of my closet on the floor. I told my roommate "Two gay men are throwing a brunch. I am not fashionable enough for this." True life. If I spent half as much time getting ready for work/daily shtuff as I did getting ready to go to dinner with two gay men, I might have a boyfriend. #whitegirlproblemzzz for dayzzz.

But the weekend didn't end there. No, no it did not. The glorious April Fool's Day kept the party going in full force on Monday. Here is a little summary of my awesome shennanigans:

-Joined forces with Miguel's, the bachelor who sometimes cooks, little brother who I affectionately call "Jail Bate." Convinced Miguel I sent Jail Bate a box of condoms signed with a note from Michael that they should probably have the sex talk soon.

-Told my Dad that I had gone up to my apartment and someone was waiting for me (WRONG choice of words. He had a heart attack and thought I got robbed/attacked). Continued poor prank by telling him RRR, of Bass Pro Shop and speed dating fame, got back together and were planning on moving in together. Father told me I was a little shit, but that he still loved me.

-But the trick to top all tricks was the brainchild of me and my lovely roommate, Alex. Alex and I decided to tell our boss that she was moving to New Mexico to be with her boyfriend, and that since I couldn't afford to live here on my own I would have to quit . She went on and on about how she would like to remote in and needed to be there to support her man during his residency. Much to our surprise, he simply pulled out this notepad and was like "Ok. Uh huh. And what's your timeline?"

We had more elaborate things planned, but he took it so seriously that we were completely thrown off. Like, really? We can just walk in and say we want to move and remote in and all you do is ask us what our timeline is? Can I remote in too?

We were thrown, to say the least.

What did you do for April Fool's? Any tricks and giggles?

A Letter to My Workout via GIFS

Dear Eternal Optimists:
This post is not for you.

Dear Workout Class Instructor:
No. Just no. I'm not feeling you. And no, I will not "find the burn" and "just give in to the burn and stay there. stay in the pain."

If I wanted to TORTURE MYSELF I would get some whips and chains and handcuffs for my bedroom. That's painful and cardio all at the same time, biatch.

Dear fellow workout classmates:
DO YOU SEE THE FACES YOU'RE MAKING?!?! Why do you insist on inflicting so much pain on yourself??? This is WEIRD. I want to go back to the days where we didn't have to torture ourselves to STAY IN SHAPE. When you just walked everywhere and just the activity of being alive was a workout. How weird is it that we spend an hour every other day(ish) literally TORTURING ourselves and RIPPING our muscles apart...only to go sit down for the rest of the day???? I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS AND I DON'T WANT TO UNDERSTAND THIS.

Dear workout classes:
You should be separated not by experience levels but by bra size. All these girls who don't have to wear any form of sports bra and just prance around in their neon colored twenty-criss crossing-straps-just-for-decoration are really pissing me off.

And this? Not happening. Let me tell you what happens as soon as you bend remotely halfway over to pick up a weight or I don't know, workout...those puppies are gonna fall right out. This picture is filled with lies. 

Dear Missourah:
You try my patience like no other. I do not know what our deal is, but we are not sympatico. Every day I wake up with less and less patience. I lived in a house with 40 other girls for three years in a row and never wanted to cut a bitch run away screaming more than I do from you.

Dear Easter weekend:
You were more fun at college when we camped out in our sorority house, sun bathed on the roof, partied a little too hard, stayed up till 5 am 'watching movies,' and got to see one of our sisters welcomed into the Catholic Church to be followed by the world's greatest Catholic party of wine, appetizers and visiting priests. I miss you.

Dear Michigan:
Miss you too. Good thing we'll be reunited soon.

Dear Mackinac Island:
You've been stuck in my mind lately and I don't mind. I could use your sunshine, bicycles, boardwalks, beaches, fudge, and lakeshore anytime right about now. I think it's time I start recruiting friends to take a trip up there with me this summer....yes? Yes.

Dear spaghetti:
Still planning on making you. Except instead of noodles I'll use bacon and instead of red sauce I'll use cheese sauce.

Friday Letters

Dear Snapchat:

I have no idea what you are, or what you're used for. You're on my phone, and so far all I've managed to do is embarrass myself by drunk-snapchatting (god, so many new ways to embarrass yourself these days) a boy (yeah, boy from the creepy nurse-stabbing-me-with-a-needle dream) a picture of a moving car on a highway (no, I wasn't driving, obvi). 

Dear Lauren:
Thanks for trying to educate me on what snapchat is for. Even though I know better now, I will still assume it's to send you pictures of my socks, keyboard, and dirty hair.

Dear Ellen:
Thanks for backing me up that I'm not the only one who doesn't understand snapchat.

Dear people who told me working out in the morning would give me energy:

Dear readers:

I'm confused. Are we supposed to get healthy for ourselves, or for our ex-boyfriend so he'll notice and feel immense guilt? Pinterest is really throwing me off on this. 

Dear HR: 

Sorry I'm not sorry. This is my quiet rebellion against the quadricube.

 Dear people waiting for an update on the quadricube:
Today we played pattycake.

Aaaaaand I'm off to dream of cheese-covered bacon. Happy Friday!

                   

What I Learned From 'GIRLS'

Or, "An Open Letter to Lena Dunham."

First of all, I jumped on the GIRLS bandwagon a little late (I am always late to these bandwagons! Probably because I'm too busy shoving my face full of food to listen to what people are talking about round the water cooler or twittersphere or whatever). So one weekend, I finally got really bored and settled into bed with a bottle of wine and some GIRLS.

I do like that the show embraces 20somethings and the general confusion/transitory nature of that period. I didn't even know there was a whole "20something" category of TV shows, newspaper articles and blogs until this show came out.

THINGS THAT ARE LIKE MY LIFE IN GIRLS: 

1) Every time I ask my coworkers if we can have a lady lunch:

2) Every time I get a paycheck and think that I'm really rich...only to have it disappear when I pay all my bills:

THINGS THAT ARE NOTHING AT ALL LIKE MY LIFE IN GIRLS:

1) I'm certainly not having as much fun being lost and confused and "20something" as Lena Dunham is. Maybe it's because I don't do cocaine.

2) I have never had a roommate offer to pay my rent so I could embrace being lost and confused and eat chips all day and occasionally "write a book."

3) I've never accompanied a girlfriend to her abortion appointment. And while yes, I have been in Planned Parenthood, I've never seen a group of girl friends doing this either.

4) I doubt that people can survive in New York and go to clubs and art galleries and buy food to throw lavish dinner parties and always buy drinks or FroYo with friends on a BARISTA'S SALARY. 

5) Do people really just move to NY with no job guaranteed when they get there? How does that work? Like...really? Is this something I should do?

6) These girls do everything together. I've lived in a sorority house and I've never done half the shit these girls do together, including but not limited to dancing naked together, crawling in bed together while naked and taking baths together.

That's all. GIRLS confuses me. Some parts I'm like "YES, spot on! this is my awkward, unreal, 20something life." And other parts I'm like "Um...no. Try again."And let's not even get started on the ego-trip Lena Dunham went through in Season 2. Any time anyone but her was on screen for more than 30 seconds she threw a Hollywood-sized (though she's too hipster to admit it) hissy fit. Oh, Marnie is on screen? I'm going to have sex with a married man. Oh, Jessa got divorced? Well I'm going to have a psychotic breakdown and admit that "I just want to be happy." Oh, anyone except me is on the screen? I have OCD. Oh, you guys are still wishing that anyone but me would show up on the screen? I'm gonna shove a Q-tip down my ear and go to the hospital. Lena, get over yourself.

Do you watch GIRLS? Are you a fan, confused, disturbed by it or a combination of all three?

Friday Fun Hikes

Today I'm linking up with Helene for Travel Tuesdays! I have been so blessed to be able to do a little traveling so far in my life, and a lot of days when I get stressed and think I'm too far behind in life, I think over some of my adventures and realize 'Hey, I'm not doing too shabby.' But don't worry...they're all in fitting with the spastic, awkward-adorableness that you've gotten used to in The Unreal Life ;)

A few summers ago, I had the good fortune of living and working in Seattle, Washington for philanthropy-guru World Vision. We had to work a minimum of 25 hours a week to get paid, but we didn't get paid any extra for working any more. So, of course, some of the interns and I decided to take every single Friday off and explore a new spot of Washington.  Best. Decision. Ever. We called them "Friday Fun Hikes."There were four of us 'regulars': Me, Mathias, Kelsey and Stephen. New people would come in and out every week, but the four of us were troopers all summer long.

Funny story about Mathias:

He would ask the same three questions to every single person, every single hike. 

-What was your favorite day in high school?

-Tell me about your "community"--by which he meant friends, family, etc

-What is your favorite movie?

While these questions annoyed me to no end, Mathias also knew that if he brought exceptional snacks for the hike, I would still come. (I'm talking like...Farmer's Market plums, goat cheese, sausage and once he even bought like a Bunsen burner type thing so he could grill for us. On a rock. In a stream. By a waterfall.)

Funny story about Kelsey:

Kelsey and I were both from the Midwest, and began calling all other women on the trail "Northwest Women." They were intense. They would run up these mountains, while Kelsey and I were huffing and puffing and breathing up a storm. Sometimes they even ran with babies on their back. We were convinced they were an entirely different breed.

But now the real excuse for this post: I just want to show off some pictures!!! =)

(Video of the view from the top. Please excuse the moment where I'm a 

total dufus and decide to start taping sideways.)

Mt. Rainier
This one is deserving of a post in itself. We showed up completed unprepared. Read: leggings, tennis shoes and shorts. The ranger thought we were crazy, but we decided that we had driven for too long to not play around on America's tallest mountain. We slipped and fell and ran around the snow like small children, had a group of 'serious' mountain hikers ask us if we were lost and OK, until eventually we were so exhausted that we spread out a tarp and took a nap. On Mt. Rainier. It was the only time I got tan all summer (go figure) and I have to admit that it continues to be one of the best days of my life, ever. Until Mathias told us we needed to leave him in the forest so he could 'be with God' (AKA get over a girl) and that he had a tarp, can of tuna, and a knife. We did. He survived.

Midwest kids finally feeling at home--SNOW!

Lost, again. In shorts and tennis shoes on America's tallest mountain. We are by no means the smartest cookies.

The view from our nap spot.

The best nap I've ever taken.
(And I've taken quite a few)

People who actually knew what they were doing.

If you want to read more about my time in Seattle, check out 'Sentimental Seattle.' And for stories of the adventures that got me there, check out this post about my road trip =) 

TayTay, you Cray Cray

I know I'm late to the bandwagon (when am I not?), but I have to comment on this Taylor Swift thing. Y'all know I'm not a fan of her and her elementary-school lyrics that get more stupid each time (she started with whole sentences, and moved to just repeating words, then repeating consonants). But by saying there's a "special place in hell for women who don't help other women" about Tina and Amy's golden Globes joke...she went too far.

TayTay, let's discuss how your latest song isn't helping any women at all.

"And he's long gone when he's next to me

And I realize the blame is on me

'Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in

So shame on me now"

It's a catchy song, but when you see the video...it's completely different than just a "silly girl, don't date the bad boy." First of all, TSwift, you're not helping any women anywhere by perpetuating the stereotype that girls who get into emotionally and physically abusive relationships "knew better" or "had a part to play in it." You're certainly not helping any woman who has actually been in one of these relationships by trying to turn it into a grungy-pop music video to help mature your image.

Here's what I have to say to you, Taylor, using the words of a man who has lasted far longer than any of your songs ever will:

(Also, none of us are fooled by your video. Like you would ever go to a Burning Man concert. Or a bar that has a pool table (are you even 21?!!?). )

Linking up with Leann for Monday's Join the Gossip!

That Time I Joined a Sorority

Since it closes today, I should probably participate in my own link-up. Shwoopsies. What can I say, it hasn't been my week. It's hard to believe that just at the beginning of this week was International Badge Day. Thank you to everyone who has linked up. It has truly been a joy reading your posts and being reminded of what a wonderful sisterhood we all share as sorority women.

A lot of people have gone really deep in their posts--talking about some really, really great things they learned. And while it's true that I learned servant leadership, time management and communication skills from my sorority...I think that today I just want to talk about the little things I learned. Things that don't go in a brochure or speech or bulletin. Things that go in the heart, written for keepsies.

I learned...

...that sometimes you don't know what you're getting yourself into, but you have to trust the process, trust the people who went before you and trust that it's going to give you something you need. 

...that sometimes a best friend is one who realizes that after a long night at the library, you need a Paris Hilton's BFF marathon.

...that nachos are the answer to everything.

...that nothing is better than a sunny day and a BBQ at the fraternity house. Unless the BBQ happens on the roof so you can lay in the sun and watch the people below you. 

...that sometimes a sign of a best-friendship is when they trust you to make their snack pack for night class. Or when you think you just need a 'night in,' but they know that what you really need is for them to jump on you in bed, wake you up and force you out for a night of air hockey, drinking games and frozen pizza.

...that there is something to be learned from everyone. 

...that you can't force a relationship. 

...that sometimes caring isn't being there the most, or the best...but just consistently and honestly (Thanks, Big). 

...to give what you have, when you can, where you are.

...that being a hot mess is completely okay. One of my favorite quotes that my grand little ever said to me was this: "I remember when I met you, and I thought that you were this big, classy senior who had her shit together. Then I got to know you, and what a hot mess you are. And now I like you even better."

...that just when you feel like giving up, you should keep going.

One, Two, Three words, love them until I die.
One, Two, Three words, Pi Beta Phi.

Saturday Takeover w/ The Daily Tay!

What What I'm on The Daily Tay! If you haven't seen my "Saturday Takeover" on The Daily Tay, check it out! I'm thrilled to get to introduce my blog to a whole new group of readers =)

Here's an embarrassing photo of the face I make when I get really overly excited/love someone a whole lot. If you're a new follower/reader, just imagine this is the face I'm making when I hear you're enjoying The Unreal Life!

She looks scared, but don't worry--she loves it.

Oh, and here's a picture of Henrik because he's cute and will make your Saturday happy:

Thanks for stopping by! Don't forget to check out my post on The Saturday Takeover so you can learn a little more about me, my unreal life, and where I got this awesome blog title ;) Also, International Badge Day link up is still live through Sunday, so join the party and share your sorority story!