What I Learned From 'GIRLS'

Or, "An Open Letter to Lena Dunham."

First of all, I jumped on the GIRLS bandwagon a little late (I am always late to these bandwagons! Probably because I'm too busy shoving my face full of food to listen to what people are talking about round the water cooler or twittersphere or whatever). So one weekend, I finally got really bored and settled into bed with a bottle of wine and some GIRLS.

I do like that the show embraces 20somethings and the general confusion/transitory nature of that period. I didn't even know there was a whole "20something" category of TV shows, newspaper articles and blogs until this show came out.

THINGS THAT ARE LIKE MY LIFE IN GIRLS: 

1) Every time I ask my coworkers if we can have a lady lunch:

2) Every time I get a paycheck and think that I'm really rich...only to have it disappear when I pay all my bills:

THINGS THAT ARE NOTHING AT ALL LIKE MY LIFE IN GIRLS:

1) I'm certainly not having as much fun being lost and confused and "20something" as Lena Dunham is. Maybe it's because I don't do cocaine.

2) I have never had a roommate offer to pay my rent so I could embrace being lost and confused and eat chips all day and occasionally "write a book."

3) I've never accompanied a girlfriend to her abortion appointment. And while yes, I have been in Planned Parenthood, I've never seen a group of girl friends doing this either.

4) I doubt that people can survive in New York and go to clubs and art galleries and buy food to throw lavish dinner parties and always buy drinks or FroYo with friends on a BARISTA'S SALARY. 

5) Do people really just move to NY with no job guaranteed when they get there? How does that work? Like...really? Is this something I should do?

6) These girls do everything together. I've lived in a sorority house and I've never done half the shit these girls do together, including but not limited to dancing naked together, crawling in bed together while naked and taking baths together.

That's all. GIRLS confuses me. Some parts I'm like "YES, spot on! this is my awkward, unreal, 20something life." And other parts I'm like "Um...no. Try again."And let's not even get started on the ego-trip Lena Dunham went through in Season 2. Any time anyone but her was on screen for more than 30 seconds she threw a Hollywood-sized (though she's too hipster to admit it) hissy fit. Oh, Marnie is on screen? I'm going to have sex with a married man. Oh, Jessa got divorced? Well I'm going to have a psychotic breakdown and admit that "I just want to be happy." Oh, anyone except me is on the screen? I have OCD. Oh, you guys are still wishing that anyone but me would show up on the screen? I'm gonna shove a Q-tip down my ear and go to the hospital. Lena, get over yourself.

Do you watch GIRLS? Are you a fan, confused, disturbed by it or a combination of all three?

International Badge Day Link Up Now Live!

Hello lovely readers!

My first-ever link up starts TODAY! Join Whitney of The Observant Turtle and I in celebrating International Badge Day, blogger style! First created by the National Panhellenic Organization in 1997, IBD is a day for sorority members (both collegiate and alumnae) to wear their badges with pride, celebrate sisterhood and remember everything what they learned from sorority life.

We want to share this spirit of sisterhood and celebration across the blogosphere, and we hope you'll join! I encourage you to link up and write a post about:

• What does being Greek mean to you?
• What did you learn from your sorority?
• What's your favorite memory about being in a sorority?
• How has your sorority continued to impact you after graduation?
• Or any other sorority-related topic!

International Badge Day is the kick-off to National Ritual Celebration Week. To encourage participation throughout this awareness week, the link up will be open Sunday, March 3--Sunday, March 10. No one is left untouched by their time in their Greek organization--what's your story?

Grab the button below, link it back to one of us, and most importantly: enjoy this chance to meet other Greek bloggers and share stories about something near and dear to all of our hearts. 

Confession: Shmexy Singles

Confession: I want to date single dads. 

Have you ever sat on the beach or in the mall with a friend, and you can't help but mention to each other all the attractive people that walk by (hey, I admire God's creations!)? Every time that happens, the people I point out are always single dads. Always.

Is there anything sexier than a single dad double-hipping two kids? Or his big, strong, comforting dad-hands picking his tiny little daughter up and tying her shoe? No.

There are several reasons why single dads would be great to date (or at least I think so):

1. They're more emotionally mature than other men their age. They can handle crying and sickness and silliness because they're around it everyday.
2. They're grounded and realistic.
3. They come pre-packaged with a kid. Confession: I don't want to have my own babies. I would like someone else to do that for me. Single dads--PERFECT. 
4. They're EXCELLENT DRIVERS (which is an absolute MUST in my dating list) because they have to protect their precious little babies!
5. They wouldn't be clingy and annoying because they don't have TIME for that. They got a kid to take care of! Relationship Claustrophobia--not a problem! 

This morning, a few of my coworkers and I were volunteering at Read Across America at the mall. Single dads abound. In response to some one's question about how the even was going, my friend responded with, "Well, I'm sitting here staring at all the cute children I want to take home and Autumn is scoping for single dads. So, pretty well!"

Truth. Confession: I creep on single dads. 

What's your Friday Confession? Link up with Blonde Ambition and share!

Stranger Danger: Hamburger Edition

Today I'm guest blogging again for Kimberly at The Simplicity of Being Curious. We'll be discussing important life questions, like:

Which came first, the weirdo who ate the stranger's hamburger,

 or the weirdo who gave their hamburger to a stranger?

Read the blog and cast your vote! If you haven't taken a look at Kim's blog yet, please stop by! She is like the big sister who has all her shit together, while I'm the little sister who is still a struggle busing hot mess. One day, I'll be on her level. But till then...stop on over and enjoy a good laugh, compliments of my inability to say no to strangers =)

 (If you like what you read, you can also read my first guest blog for Kim here, too!)

And don't forget...tomorrow...I announce my first ever blog link up =) 

My Oscar Lover

It's the Monday after the Oscars, so like every other blogger I'll be talking about....THE OSCARS. Couple points:

1. Overall--I thought this Oscars was beautiful! The stage setup was gorgeous with all those lights, and everyone was dressed so classy! I thought Seth did a great job of making it entertaining, keeping it from being too hoighty-toighty and serious. 
2. Seth--I know a lot of people are calling him out for bringing up Rhianna and Chris Brown but I've always been on the side of Jenny Johnson in continuing to call this man out. Domestic abuse is a serious issue, and if it takes continuing to call this man out awkwardly at public award shows until people realize that no, we shouldn't just leave them on their merry way and let him continue being a psycho who isn't held accountable (except with "community service." Are you kidding me? You beat the shit out of your girlfriend and all you have to do is community service?), then I'm for it. America always downplays domestic abuse and doesn't like talking about it (understandable, it's a rough subject--no pun intended).Bring it up, and continue to bring it up, until it gets addressed. 
3. JLaw--way to trip up the stairs. You proved that 20somethings everywhere are a force to be reckoned with, and that we will add to the world in amazing ways...but also very clumsy, awkward ways. 

3. Hugh and Brad--Every woman's pants heart in America dropped when you leapt to help her. 

4. Michelle Obama--really? Really? My main complaint: it's not an American awards show. So don't get on a soap box about your new initiative to keep arts in the schools in America. I'm all for the message, I just think the presenter was completely unnecessary and did not help facilitate the message. 

5. Christoph Waltz--I'VE DATED YOU. No, seriously, guys, every time I look at him...deja vu all over the place. 

Anyone? Anyone see the resemblance? Here are a few more for good measure:

Anyone? Anyone? Oh sweet Mary, mother of Abraham Lincoln, the memories are just rolling in now...he is gonna go Chris Brown if he ever finds this blog. Anyways, I dated Christoph Waltz. And that is your Monday Morning Gossip.


(ALSO...other BIG GOSSIP...stop by later this week as I reveal my FIRST EVER LINK UP with Whitney at The Observant Turtle.)

Christoph is intrigued and wants to know 

more about my link up...do you? Check back soon =)

Addendum to the 5 Assholes You'll Date in College

The following are a few addendums to my post "The 5 Assholes You'll Date in College." 

Addendum A: The Alpha Male Looks Like This

I was supposed to read for my alumnae book club last night. I even went to the bookstore and everything so I could focus. But then, I saw the Total Frat Move book. And I just couldn't help myself. And while part of me shuddered at the bad publicity that will come for the Greek System from this atrocious novel...the other parts of me couldn't help laughing. Especially when I found this page.

Cheers, pledge master, for making my last semester so hysterical with your stupid stories. I hope that you're installing the same type of fear into all the opposition soldiers you're off fighting, somewhere. Because as you said..."I'm a soldier, disguised as a nerd, disguised as a frat boy. I'm a fucking badass"

Appendix B: This is why we don't listen to Adele

Under Asshole #3: The Heartbreaker, I encouraged you not to listen to Adele. A friend sent me this video shortly after reading it and I have to agree--this is why we don't listen to Adele at times like that! (However...Adele is also a big role model during times of break up. She took her break up and turned it into 11 Grammies. She gave one big middle finger to her ex, an example to girls everywhere. So, maybe I should say that if you're going to listen to Adele after a break up, listen to her Grammy acceptance speech and not her album.) No I mean really, look, she just gave a big middle finger. And snapped.

I imagine her saying at this moment in her head: "I'm the only one who can make flipping someone off look classy and like an action others should aspire to. Snaps to me."

Anyways, this video is why we don't listen to Adele and is sure to brighten your Saturday =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11RZIDNN4pk
(Guys, I'm struggle bussing with this link. Click it for SNL's funny skit on Someone Like You with Emma Stone! Yes!)

Now this is the Adele you should get to know and love:

Sassy bitch knows what she got. 

Adele, as I say over and over, you're my top betch. You know who I'd like to see in a room together? Me, Adele and Khloe Kardashian. 

Friday Letters

Dear Missouri children: You appear to have super warfare germs. I believe that if a nuclear bomb hit America, you would still survive because you are terrifying and indestructible. This would also be good because you're very stocky and pure-American and would repopulate America quickly. However, I'm still scared of you.

Dear Lena Dunham: Why did you write a show about 20somethings to celebrate being a 20something and encourage 20somethings to embrace it and enjoy it, but put it on a channel most 20somethings can't afford? Thanks for educating the 40somethings who can afford it about what it's like to be 20something.

Dear Missouri Governor: This was my face when you declared a "state of emergency" when I could still see the grass (wooooaaaaah crazy snow storm!),

but regardless--thanks for the snow day.

Dear horror movie previews: stop popping your way uninvited and unexpectedly into my living room while I'm innocently watching the Kardashians. 

Dear Target: You win again. Resistance is futile.

Dear Hair: Thanks for the reminder this week that you do not like any hair products whatsoever. In line with this, thanks for being so agreeable and just laying flat and pretty most of the time.


Linking up with The Sweet Season for Friday Letters!

Hot Mess: The Ombre Life

Well kids, it's that time again. Time for another rousing edition of Autumn's Unreal Life where you both laugh and cringe because you're not quite sure whether to be best friends with her or pity her. It's also that time where I stop referring to myself in the third person.

So for about a week now, I've been seeing those ads for ombre hair dye. I always wanted ombre hair, but was too broke chicken to go get it done at an actual salon. Plus, why pay $80 for something you can pay $8 for (don't answer that--there are many, many reasons)?! All day at work, I was looking forward to my after-work Target shopping spree. I had been saving my Christmas gift cards for a worthy occasion, and the occasion had come. Finally, went my cart was overflowing and I found myself questioning if it would be possible for me to push TWO carts at once, I decided it was time to go. But not without the final purchase: ombre hair dye. Dun dun dun!

Here I am in step one, remaining skeptical but hopeful that this will not make my hair turn hideous and result in having to chop inches and inches off:

Here I am in step two, beginning to seriously doubt that this dye is doing anything rather than releasing toxic fumes:

So, after leaving it on for the maximum amount of time (45 minutes), I took it out, washed it with the enclosed "special" conditioner (which smelled disgusting), wrapped it soaking wet in a bun and went to bed. In the morning, I woke up and it still smelled DISGUSTING so of course I showered, wrapped it soaking wet in a bun and made a bee-line for my car lest it freeze into icicles and break off (has anyone ever actually had that happen?).

I get to work and start telling people how much it did not work, until one very wise coworker goes "But Autumn, have you even seen it dry yet?" Uhhhhhh...cue awkwardness.

Who sits at their cubicle waiting for their hair to dye so they can see how it actually turned out? This girl. Sad to report, it doesn't look different at all. Maybe one shade lighter, tops. Apparently I can put straight up bleach on my hair for 45 minutes and only go down one shade...leading me to believe that I have SUPER NINJA HAIR.

Alright, I'm off to enjoy my ADULT SNOW DAY!!! YAY!!! Gonna cook me some spaghetti, grab a good book and relax! Hope you're all having a wonderful day!

Only the second documented snow in Missourah this winter!

Teaching a Bachelor to Cook

Meet Michael. Or as I like to call him when I'm feeling especially frisky fine, Miguel. Miguel is....a bachelor. *Cue horror music*

I believe that the final pre-cursor to most men settling down and getting hitched is that they simply cannot stand living in a bachelor pad anymore. When Michael first visited my apartment, he walked around touching everything really gently like it was a museum or a showroom.

"You have pillows on your couch," he said.

"Yeah, throw pillows."

"Pillows just for decoration."

He was in wonder. I was like Michael...you too can have throw pillows. They will cost you $8 at WalMart. You too can have a couch that looks classy and comfy and inviting. But for some reason, men just can't pull it together like that. They will wear out their clothes until buttons are hanging on by threads ("You can fix that?!?!" he said in shock), there is nothing but beer in the cupboard, and their furniture is really just smaller pieces of furniture precariously stacked upon each other (i.e. Michael's "desk" is actually a piece of plywood stacked on top of an old TV and a filing cabinet).

So. The time came where I was like listen, Michael, I'm not ready to get married, but I can give you the next best thing. Let me teach you how to use a CROCK POT.

It seemed to me like the crock pot would be every bachelor's dream. Set it, and leave it. Come back from work...boom. Instant homemade meal. And the options are endless. It's so easy. So I sent Michael some links for simple, 3-ingredient crock pot recipes. 

Well, Michael was A) scared the crock pot would burn his apartment down if he left it on while he was gone, so naturally he B) cooked everything only at night (which defeats the purpose of having dinner ready) but then he got C) scared the crock pot would burn his kitchen down so he D) moved his bed so he could sleep outside the kitchen and watch it until he E) gave up.

I'm proud to say we overcame this hurdle and he now trusts the crock pot will not burn his apartment down. 

Then came TEACHING MICHAEL TO USE RECIPES. I sent him a 3-ingredient recipe for stroganoff. Beef, stroganoff mix, and mushrooms. Boom. Done.

"I can't find the stroganoff mix."

"It's in the spice aisle right next to all the other mixes. Like taco mix and chili mix and stuff."

"Where is that?"

"Ask an employee." (Michael, for as lovely as he is, seems to have this idea in his head that a map of any grocery store anywhere in America--keep in mind we live a good 700 miles apart--is tattooed on my ovaries)

So that night we're Skyping and I say, Michael, how is the recipe going? He gets all shame-faced and admits that he couldn't find the stroganoff mix, so he bought some other things. But he thinks it will be really good. Michael's 3-ingredient recipe: Beef, tomato soup, and some sort of meltable cheese. He calls it "Saucy beef." I call it GAG ME. 

Still, we recovered. He did good. Stuck to 2-ingredient recipes. Chicken and cheese. Can't go wrong. But then he got adventurous. 

"I'm super excited for my next crock pot meal."

"What is it?"

"I'm experimenting," he said. 

Oh sweet baby Jesus no. "Oh that's great! What did you put in it?"

"Cream of shrimp, green peppers, beef broth, and some chicken."

First of all, what is cream of shrimp and what do people even use that for?!?! Second, why would you ever combine liquid forms of both SHRIMP and BEEF??? Your crock pot is not Red Lobster or Outback. Stop.

Anyways, ladies, point being: Michael is still a bachelor and sometimes he does manage to feed himself.

"Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime."

"Give a bachelor a crock pot, and he'll stare at it in suspicion for a day. Teach him to use it, he'll still go to Taco Bell."

Addendum: Michael is a very nice boy, and he does many, many nice things. Including letting me mock him publicly about his crock-pot issues. However, don't let his crock pot shame be for nothing! Click the follow button =) 

The 5 Assholes You'll Date in College: Part Two

This post first appeared on my Wordpress account. Since I'm switching to blogger, I'm bringing some of my favorite posts with me. If you missed part one, you can find it here. Also, these posts are just my sarcastic, sassy take on these things. While I like to mock my exes, I can honestly say that there's not one I wish I hadn't dated. If nothing else, they provided entertainment ;) Kidding!

3. THE HEARTBREAKER

 Otherwise Known As: The Serious Boyfriend, The “One,” Teddy Bear

Potential Characteristics: Jock, hates mushrooms, suspiciously single, loves dogs, calls his grandparents weekly, from Ohio, history of dating girls who turn out to be lesbians, suspicious lack of enemies, rational, likes girly television shows

Most Common Heard Phrase in this relationship: “I just want to make you happy.”

Average Length of relationship: 1.5 years

Average Length of time to get over breakup: 1 month for every “tradition” you shared, or ¾ the length of the relationship

Well, ladies, it’s that time. The #3 spot on the 5 assholes you’ll date in college goes to the much anticipated, always regretted: Heartbreaker. After dating some JFs and some OIPDs, you’ll finally run across him—usually at a party or on a porch while chilling with some friends. And your first thought will be: “He’s so normal!” After JFs and OIPDs, this boy is going to seem like a gift wrapped by God himself with a large blinking light. He will be sweet, but not overly sweet. Religious, but not beating himself (or yourself) with a Bible. You will be stunned by just how very normal he is after all the weird people you dated.

You’ll be in a daze. Every country song will suddenly apply to your life. Cloud nine will be your new residence. You will have more fights than are normal, but you won’t notice. Your girlfriends will assure you that normal couples fight, and that’s what makes your relationship grow stronger. You’ll meet families, kiss all the time, make your first batch of cookies for a boy and even carve your first “couple’s pumpkin.” Classic signs that you’re dating a Heartbreaker is when everything either becomes a “First” or a “Tradition.” First pumpkin, first dance, first holiday, first anniversary, first 2 month anniversary, first 3 month anniversary. Hey ladies, guess what? It’s also your last 2 month anniversary. It’s both your first, and your last….so stop counting.

The “traditions” are what will kill ya. Please, for the love of God, limit your traditions. The number of TV shows you watch together, the restaurant you go to for date night every week, and every other weird couple thing you only do with each other will become a tradition. So limit them. Because when you break up, those traditions will be haunting nightmares. Personally, I think a good average is that every tradition you share amounts to one month of time to get over in the breakup. So limit them. Because I can tell you from experience, catching up on three months worth of the Kardashians, Revenge, and Community is a bitch. (Also, why would you ever trust a boy who is watching the Kardashians with you? Seriously? Take a hint. There is something real wrong here).

Anyways. Back to the story. You’ll be inseparable. You’ll talk about getting engaged. You might even actually get engaged (hopefully not). And then wham. Without warning. It will end. Most people say we all have to experience one great heartbreak in our life in order for us to appreciate real love when we find it. Whatever.

Now, I can’t tell you that my personal breakup with the Heartbreaker taught me to appreciate true love. Maybe yours will. What I can tell you, however, is that it taught me an even more important lesson that I will carry with me for the rest of my life: If a man at any point in his life has ever dated a woman who then turned into a lesbian, DO. NOT. DATE. HIM.

I like to call this “part-time lesbian problems.” Here’s the deal. Once a man has had a girl date him and then be like ‘eh, I think I like women’….there’s just no going back. He will be permanently fixed on switching her back. It’s a male pride thing, I guess. They just can’t handle that a woman would rather kiss another woman than them. And hunny, you ain’t ever gonna get over that. So just stay away from them. That will be their fixation, and nothing you do will be able to stop that. So, watch out for the part-time lesbians. Heads up: they’re usually softball players, gym teachers, or from Ohio.

Signs this relationship is ending: Sudden “depression,” “work homework,” (I’m sorry…but what job gives you homework?) or if he says he “accidentally dialed his mom’s number instead of yours”

Classic Heartbreaker break-up line: “I don’t deserve you. You’re just too good for me.”

Fast ways to get out of this relationship: Talk about your need for a promise ring

Break-up song to help you get over it: “Sail” by AWOL Nation; “Undo It” by Carrie Underwood; “Wide Awake” by Katy Perry. DO NOT LISTEN TO ADELE.

****

4. THE ALPHA MALE

Otherwise Known As: The Rebound, The Hottest Guy You Know

 Potential Characteristics: Frat boy, found at the gym, only eats protein powder, originally began as a rebound, good kisser, uses the phrase ‘casual monogamous relationship’ a lot, speaks multiple languages, immensely patriotic, likes Greek yogurt more than a sorority girl, has mono

Most Common Heard Phrase in this relationship: “I don’t think we need titles to define what we have here”

Average Length of relationship: What relationship?

Average Length of time to get over breakup: What break-up?

The AM usually starts as a rebound from the Heartbreaker. Alpha Males are exactly that…very….male. Remember when we were mourning the loss of men earlier as we dated an OIPD? Well, you found one. He will work out, have an intense sense of ‘duty,’ and be overly patriotic. He will even like babies. You’re going to be freaked out.

Now, for sorority girls or girls looking to ‘casually date,’ this is your perfect option. He will always understand when you have sorority stuff to do or would rather hang out with your sisters because let’s face it, he’d rather hang out with his bros too. A classic sign you’re dating an AM is when you catch yourself actually having fun dating. You won’t be arguing about theology, you won’t be stabbing your eyes out because he follows you like a puppy dog, and you won’t be arguing. This relationship will be characterized by something even more mind-blowing then the theological example in #1: calmness.

For girls, this is the kiss of death. When something is calm, we freak out. Surely there must be a hidden fetish? A secret girlfriend? A dead body under his couch? Why is he so chill?!?!?! Ladies. Chill. Enjoy. Don’t over question. One of the best things that comes from dating an AM is that you will learn that boys really don’t like to play games and that if they want or need something, they will straight up tell you. Sometimes, the honesty of an Alpha Male border on rude. Especially to girls, because we are just really not used to this.

Take advantage of this unique relationship to be yourself. Really. What? I know. There’s a unique aspect to this relationship that allows you this freedom. It comes from knowing this: You will never marry the alpha male. Trust me, ladies, he’s got a whole lot of villages to go plunder and terrorists to shoot before he’s ready for marriage. He is literally your knight in shining armor, but the part they don’t tell you in the fairy tales is that those knights had to go out and pillage a lot of lands to A) get rid of all that alpha male energy and B) even get that shiny armor in the first place before they were ready to swoop up their princess. But they skip that part in the fairy tales because eh, it’s boring (I’m bored already).

So back to the point. Take advantage of this! Do you know how much freedom this brings you? Ladies, it’s insane. It’s like the freedom you feel taking your bra off every night. Instant relief. You can be yourself. And, it’s baggage-free. Usually, because these relationships are short. There’s not enough time to drag out your past relationship scars, daddy/mommy/divorce issues, neurotic tendencies, and phobias. So just relax and enjoy. Rent the movies you actually want to rent, feel free to turn down his restaurant option, and eat more than salad in front of him. 

But true to Alpha Male form, the break up will suck. Remember when I said they’re straight to the point? Yeah. That means that when they don’t want to see you, they just won’t answer the phone anymore. So, take it for what it’s worth and don’t expect anything more. If you’re reading this right now while currently ‘dating’ an AM, that’s the best advice I can give you: don’t expect anything. Take every minute for exactly what it is.

Signs this relationship is ending: Graduation

Classic Heartbreaker break-up line: Unreturned phone call

Fast ways to get out of this relationship: Talk about your need to Define the Relationship

Break-up song to help you get over it: “Riding Solo” by Jason DeRulo

****

5. YOURSELF

Potential Characteristics: Single, confused, female

Most Common Heard Phrase in this relationship: “Should I buy the white wine or the red wine tonight?”

Average Length of relationship: Your entire life

Average Length of time to get over breakup: …

Embrace it. You won’t be single forever. So do what you want to do. Eat cookie dough without shame, buy yourself wine, have fun doing things that you want to do. And during this, you’re going to learn the most important lesson: every single part of you is desirable. And the right man will take and love all of it. Be comfortable with yourself, and you’ll realize how much you’re worth. You’re worth everything. You’re beautiful and smart and funny and fun.

So date yourself, and get to know yourself. Because after that, no relationship will be the same.

Be confident, and the rest will fall in line. You have all your life to date your husband and do his laundry and accept his Valentine’s day presents, but you only have a little bit to play by yourself.

You are the hero of your own story.

Signs this relationship is ending: Death

Classic Heartbreaker break-up line: —-

Fast ways to get out of this relationship: Chain smoking, incessant tanning, or skydiving without a parachute

Break-up song to help you get over it: —-

The 5 Assholes You'll Date In College: Part One

Note: this post originally appeared on my Wordpress site, but since I am switching to Blogger I wanted to bring some of my more favorite posts with me. Enjoy!

1: THE OVERLY RELIGIOUS ONE

 Otherwise Known As: The Homeschooler, The Innocent One, Prophet of our Time

Potential Characteristics: attended a homeschool co-op, only listens to Christian music, carries his Bible everywhere, instead of a date asks you to church, thinks he’s at college to convert people not study, thinks he is God’s favorite man but is too ‘humble’ to admit it, attends a liberal arts college, Mama’s boy, wants to be ‘different’

Most Common Heard Phrase in this relationship: You really believe that?

Average Length of relationship: 2 Weeks

Average Length of time to get over breakup: 2 minutes

Here’s how this relationship works. You usually start out as ‘just friends.’ This self-described JF (short for "Jesus Freak," which he pulled from the same title DC Talk song--stop, we were all fans you know it) will inevitably use his friend group as the browsing grounds for potential mates. He will hide behind the phrase ‘I just want to be friends’ until he is has found his prey and is ready to pounce. Your first ‘date’ will most likely be a walk around campus.

From this relationship you will learn that any and every topic can be related back to Jesus and your moral stance. Once,  a JF I dated convinced me that going to see the political satire "W" was actually supporting abortion and showing my moral relativism. Like I said, mind spinning. 

You’ll go on a lot of group dates during this time. And you’ll get in a lot of theological arguments that unfortunately never lead to hot makeout sessions (boo). The good side of that is that you’ll be forced to think on your feet, and you’ll have a permanent store of answers for the next time you’re trapped in a theological debate.

Now, the most important person in this world to Homeschooled JF will be his mother. This is a hurdle for most of us girls. Unfortunately, that mother will always see you as the enemy. There is really no getting over this. Until the day you pop out a perfect blond-haired baby that looks just like hers on, she will doubt whether you are of any use to her son. My advice on dealing with mamma’s boys is just not to bring the topic up. Should you ever be in the same room as her, just always picture her as a pastor’s wife and your decorum will be sure to be appropriate.

Fortunately, this relationship will come to an end. 

Signs this relationship is ending: “I was talking to my mom….” “How do you feel about homeschooling our…your children?” “I think God put you in my life for a reason.”

Classic Homeschooled JF break-up line: “I just can’t be your Jesus.”

Fast ways to get out of this relationship: Carry a Catechism around

Break-up song to help you get over it: Just turn on the radio to anything but the Christian station and you’ll instantly feel alive again.

***

2. THE OVERLY INVESTED PUPPY DOG

Otherwise Known As: The Stalker, The Well-Meaning One

 Potential Characteristics: Health condition, lack of male friends, lack of father figure, mamma’s boy, Methodist, drinks Sprite, owns more polo shirts than a sorority girl, Velcro wallet, missing balls, stalker

Most Common Heard Phrase in this relationship: “I can change.”

Average Length of relationship: Too long

Average Length of time to get over breakup: .2 seconds

It’s a sad, sad time to be dating in this world. I know that most of us are mourning the lack of jobs, the lack of reliable political figures, or the lack of religiosity, but let’s focus on what’s really important. The lack of men.

Now I have a tendency, it’s true, to accidentally run over people who don’t have spines (metaphorically, dipshit. I’m not running over handicap people with my car). I just can’t help it. They’re just so whiny and annoying and they never stand up for themselves. It’s so annoying. That is the OIPD in one word—spineless.

The most annoying part of dating an OIPD is just how much he’ll actually love you. His very smiles will begin to annoy you. You’ll wish he didn’t think everything you did was so perfect and cute. You’ll actually begin to purposely try to do things you would never, ever do just to piss him off. He will call you non-stop to check on where you are, but not in the overly possessive way. It’s like an unexplainable soft, overly-possessive way. Like a stalker wrapped in glitter wrapped in tulle trying to give you a lollipop way. If he calls and you’re out with your girlfriends, he won’t even be jealous. He’ll just ask if there’s anything that you guys need. More wine? A DD? A chick flick? Starbucks? Tampons?

A classic sign that you’re dating an OIPD is his high level of involvement with your friends. When you skip the cafeteria dinner, he will still sit with them. He will know their boyfriend problems, their best friend problems, and their girl drama before you do. He will be their go-to male opinion.

When you try to break up with him, he will convince you that he can change—just give him another chance! 

Before you know it, you've been won over by his puppy dog eyes and are dating for another two weeks. Girls, if you’re in this relationship, just end it. Let him go be a good boyfriend to someone who will appreciate his mushy heart.

Signs this relationship is ending: Whenever one of your friends says “I’m just gonna text your boyfriend and ask him his opinion on ________. He always knows what boys are thinking!”

Classic Overly-Invested Puppy Dog break-up line: Girl, he will never break up with you, therefor he doesn’t have a classic line.

Fast ways to get out of this relationship: Just end it. Quickly.

Break-up song to help you get over it: “I’m Still a Guy” by Brad Paisley


Be sure to check back for Part Two tomorrow! And if you enjoyed, please help show the love by clicking the GFC button =) What do you think? Have you ever dated one of these two types of boys?

Road Trip Adventures in Hannibal, MO

Interested in reading more? Then hop on over to The Simplicity of Being Curious, where I am guest blogging for Kimberly while she takes her own road trip across country! Learn some of my favorite road trip tips and tricks, as well as some more unreal stories about my cross-country road trip. Trust me, they are...unreal...because I am awkward and adorable all at the same time.

Thanks for visiting, and of course, a huge thank you to Kim for letting me take over her blog for a bit! =)

Mardi Grammys: Weekend Update

Friday:
Celebrated the end of PTL problems by tanning, gyming, and drinking.

Saturday: 
My first ever Mardi Gras. Or as I like to call it, the all-day adult frat party. How is it an adult frat party? Well first of all it starts at like 8 am (not cool) and goes all day, just like a real day of work. Also, your boss is there--but unlike work work, you give a running jump and hug because you're two hurricanes in and the world seems like such a happy place!

It is also the perfect holiday for needy, insecure people because you get immediate gratification through BEADS--a direct representation of how much people like you and how pretty you are. And there are so many different kinds too! Heaven. After collecting my beads and bar hand stamps, my friends and I closed the evening with some Downton Abbey (holla), and I also sang a little diddy to my friend's cat (yeah, I took our friendship there).

                         

Wrapping it up with some Downton Abbey 

 

I LOVE BEADS

***Afterword: So, this happened. That's right, my boss sent me this today. Apparently I also made besties with his boyfriend and we proceeded to make a valentine for our dear boss/boyfriend.

Sunday:
If you read last weekend update, you know recovery is not a quick thing for me. So Sunday went slowly, and mostly in my bed. Until I moved to the couch to watch the Grammys. Also, live tweeting the Bachelor and awards shows is one of my most favorite thing ever. Anyways, general comments about the Grammys:

• Taylor, hope you were taking notes from Miranda on what a real country performance looks like (and sounds like). Also, noticed you had to bring a girl(space)friend because you scared all the boys away. I suggest you try eating a cheeseburger every once in a while--you'll look less like a fragile, breakable creature and it will even out your crazy mood swings. 
• Adele, you're still my top betch and an inspiration  Best presenter speech all night: "Whoever wins best album of the year usually goes on to huge international fame. Or, they just get knocked up like last year's winner."
• Between JT's sudden switch into sepia tone, Carrie Underwood's dress, the Bob Marley tribute and Frank Ocean's wierd background video of cheerleaders flying over mountains, I found myself questioning my sobriety at several points that evening.

• Grammy categories that should've been: Best Lipsync, Most Overused Commercial Song
• I don't what "Urban Contemporary" is, but I do know Chris Brown lost and that makes me happy/puts Rhianna in danger.

Aaaaaand that's all folks. Stellar weekend. Don't forget to link up with Sami for Weekend Update! (Pictures to come when I get out of work!) Also if you're obsessed with live tweeting the Bachelor/awards shows like I am, be sure to follow along with @thejanklife! 

Dear crazy bitch who took my engagement ring

Dear crazy bitch who took my engagement ring:

Thanks for taking that piece of crazy off the market!

Love, Autumn

Dear ex:

When she's walking down the aisle, try not to think about when you saw her cheating on you with another girl. In your bed. It's not a threesome if you're not invited--but keep in mind the threesome will probably be invited to your wedding. Specify you don't want her on your honeymoon, too. Oh, and, thanks for taking that piece of crazy off the market!

No Love, Me

Dear Red Robin,

Thanks for hosting the worst engagement of all time. Was that the first time someone has sunk low enough to get engaged while eating a burger?

Autumn

Dear Sigma Chi:

For the first time, I can say I truly will miss you tonight. You were there for me when this ordeal ended, and you would be there for me now. I'll miss your sweaty frat boy hugs, the overwhelming stench of sticky, spilled liquor, and the never ending party you would have thrown for me. 

Love, Autumn

Dear Sigma Chi pledges:

I hope you learned to stop listening at closed doors. Though my conversations are pretty hilarious, I'll give you that. Don't worry, one day you'll have enough drama to have closed doors too. That's what happens when you go to a school of 1,000 people for four years. I hope you're still making right-angle turns in the library and wearing the worst combination of bow ties and plaid shirts.

Love, Autumn

Dear Nashville:

Thanks for providing the perfect song to play while writing this post. Love, Me

Dear Daddy:
Thanks for putting it all in perspective by simply responding with "Someone sure was watching over you!"

Love, your daughter