Meet Michael. Or as I like to call him when I'm feeling especially
I believe that the final pre-cursor to most men settling down and getting hitched is that they simply cannot stand living in a bachelor pad anymore. When Michael first visited my apartment, he walked around touching everything really gently like it was a museum or a showroom.
"You have pillows on your couch," he said.
"Yeah, throw pillows."
"Pillows just for decoration."
He was in wonder. I was like Michael...you too can have throw pillows. They will cost you $8 at WalMart. You too can have a couch that looks classy and comfy and inviting. But for some reason, men just can't pull it together like that. They will wear out their clothes until buttons are hanging on by threads ("You can fix that?!?!" he said in shock), there is nothing but beer in the cupboard, and their furniture is really just smaller pieces of furniture precariously stacked upon each other (i.e. Michael's "desk" is actually a piece of plywood stacked on top of an old TV and a filing cabinet).
So. The time came where I was like listen, Michael, I'm not ready to get married, but I can give you the next best thing. Let me teach you how to use a CROCK POT.
It seemed to me like the crock pot would be every bachelor's dream. Set it, and leave it. Come back from work...boom. Instant homemade meal. And the options are endless. It's so easy. So I sent Michael some links for simple, 3-ingredient crock pot recipes.
Well, Michael was A) scared the crock pot would burn his apartment down if he left it on while he was gone, so naturally he B) cooked everything only at night (which defeats the purpose of having dinner ready) but then he got C) scared the crock pot would burn his kitchen down so he D) moved his bed so he could sleep outside the kitchen and watch it until he E) gave up.
I'm proud to say we overcame this hurdle and he now trusts the crock pot will not burn his apartment down.
Then came TEACHING MICHAEL TO USE RECIPES. I sent him a 3-ingredient recipe for stroganoff. Beef, stroganoff mix, and mushrooms. Boom. Done.
"I can't find the stroganoff mix."
"It's in the spice aisle right next to all the other mixes. Like taco mix and chili mix and stuff."
"Where is that?"
"Ask an employee." (Michael, for as lovely as he is, seems to have this idea in his head that a map of any grocery store anywhere in America--keep in mind we live a good 700 miles apart--is tattooed on my ovaries)
So that night we're Skyping and I say, Michael, how is the recipe going? He gets all shame-faced and admits that he couldn't find the stroganoff mix, so he bought some other things. But he thinks it will be really good. Michael's 3-ingredient recipe: Beef, tomato soup, and some sort of meltable cheese. He calls it "Saucy beef." I call it GAG ME.
Still, we recovered. He did good. Stuck to 2-ingredient recipes. Chicken and cheese. Can't go wrong. But then he got adventurous.
"I'm super excited for my next crock pot meal."
"What is it?"
"I'm experimenting," he said.
"Cream of shrimp, green peppers, beef broth, and some chicken."
First of all, what is cream of shrimp and what do people even use that for?!?! Second, why would you ever combine liquid forms of both SHRIMP and BEEF??? Your crock pot is not Red Lobster or Outback. Stop.
Anyways, ladies, point being: Michael is still a bachelor and sometimes he does manage to feed himself.
"Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime."
"Give a bachelor a crock pot, and he'll stare at it in suspicion for a day. Teach him to use it, he'll still go to Taco Bell."
Addendum: Michael is a very nice boy, and he does many, many nice things. Including letting me mock him publicly about his crock-pot issues. However, don't let his crock pot shame be for nothing! Click the follow button =)