A Young Man's First Time

January 13, 2014

There comes a time in every young man's life when he has to choose who to drunk text confide in about his hopes and fears for life for the evening. And if you choose me, young man....I'm going to blog about it (but that's ok, because blog posts about him are his favorite).

The text we all dream of receiving rolled in at about midnight-thirty am. 

"I think I might have a threesome." 

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And after choking for a little bit, I have to admit that my reaction surprised me. Because it was very...motherly. 

Was the bed big enough? Was the bed strong enough? Overall, had they check the bed for safety first? How often would he have to see these people afterwards? Had they discussed the rules beforehand?
Who would end up feeling most excluded? Would they appreciate him enough? Was there a "before your first time: for threesomes" parent talk that I should look up?
Which came first, the bromance or the threesome?

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What do you say guys? 

Well, I for one proceeded to get even more motherly and send loud capitalized text messages that 
YOU ARE BETTER THAN A THREESOME
and 
YOU ARE CAPABLE OF COMMANDING THE BED ALL BY YOURSELF. 
At one point, I did indeed consider making a tricycle training-wheel reference and that he was ready to take those wheels off and fly solo, but I erased that because I didn't think that would go over to well. 


And that was my Saturday night. So. Thanks for choosing me for this special, special talk in your life Lumberjack. And thanks for letting me publicly tease you about it. You're a trooper. And you're better than a threesome! Never forget. 

Is there a talk you've had to have and wish there was a "how to" pamphlet for?
What was the highlight of your weekend?

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9 comments:

  1. Oh, Lumberjack, you're always an out of left field kind of guy. This shouldn't surprise me but it does, and as for your reaction: YOU GO GLENN COCO!

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  2. Oh this is too funny. These would probably be my responses too. Like...'have you really thought this all the way out hun?'

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  3. "Was the bed strong enough?" hahaha, I think that was best reaction! You're a better friend than me. I probably would have said something like "well I can't stop you but don't come crying to me if things don't turn out well"

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  4. "And you're better than a threesome!" I will say this to my reflection every day from this day forward!

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  5. HAHAHAHA I AM DYING. "Had they checked the bed for safety first?"
    I don't know what I would have said but now I think I do - if anyone ever decides to confide in me before their threesome.

    You should write a how to: coach your friend through getting out of a threesome.

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  6. Haha! Those are great reactions but the best has to be "was the bed strong enough".

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  7. Bahahahah I'm not sure I would have the same reaction as you. I'd probabaly say "WTF?" haha

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  8. you should have encouraged him to do it and then offered pointers to ensure it would be awkward and terribly hilarious.

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