20/20

Hindsight is 20/20. Raise your hand if you've heard it. Keep your hand up if you've heard it as a semi-negative thing. People always say it with a tinge of sadness or regret. A "if I had known..."

But hindsight doesn't just come for choice. It comes for memories and relationships too. I remember in one of my many can't-take-this-small-school-anymore-hate-it-will-never-have-any-friends-after-graduation moments, my Big told me, "Don't you worry. Once you graduate, you'll only remember the good parts."And it's true. I don't remember all the times I wanted to tell my 35 other housemates to simply shut.up. (now!), or grow up or stand up or stop gossiping or any of the other multiple things that drove me insane. I don't remember how often I hated living on a campus of 1400 students, where anyone and everyone knew your business, down to the shirt you were last Friday and the boy you brought to Formal. I find hindsight washing over me like a sweet, cleansing rain and all I remember is the good conversation, the good friends and the good times. I remember laughing till my cheeks hurt in the Fraternity house--not how awful the deuschbag sitting next to me was.

I guess what I'm getting at is this...maybe hindsight isn't a passive-aggressive way of life getting back at us. Maybe hindsight is a protection device. A kind, friendly blanket who, once we've learned our lessons, covers the dirty and the gross and the bad and the uncomfortable with a big furry blanket and says "it's OK." Because what good would it do to remember all the annoyances and all the bad? What would it serve us?

Maybe hindsight is the cousin to regret. When you haven't learned your lesson and you haven't confronted what should be, you get regret. But when you have learned your lesson and done what needs to be done, you get hindsight. If the lesson is imprinted on your heart, why keep the memory imprinted on your brain?

What do you think? Hindsight--negative or positive?

(My sassy side will be back tomorrow. But for now, I needed to type this.)

SURPRISE REVEALED: My First Ever LINK UP

Hello lovely readers!

Today I am THRILLED to announce my first ever link-up, which I am co-hosting with Whitney of The Observant Turtle. With International Badge Day approaching on Monday, March 4th, we wanted to create a link-up that would help sorority women connect and share our sorority stories. International Badge Day was first created by the National Panhellenic Organization in 1997, as a day for sorority members (both collegiate and alumnae) to wear their badges with pride, celebrate sisterhood and remember everything what they learned from sorority life.

I know I'll be wearing my badge with pride to work, but I also want to help spread this movement across the blogging community. I encourage you to link up and write a post about:

• What does being Greek mean to you?
• What did you learn from your sorority?
• What's your favorite memory about being in a sorority?
• How has your sorority continued to impact you after graduation?
• Or any other sorority-related topic!

International Badge Day is the kick-off to National Ritual Celebration Week. To encourage participation throughout this awareness week, the link up will be open Sunday, March 3--Sunday, March 10. No one is left untouched by their time in their Greek organization--what's your story?

Stranger Danger: Hamburger Edition

Today I'm guest blogging again for Kimberly at The Simplicity of Being Curious. We'll be discussing important life questions, like:

Which came first, the weirdo who ate the stranger's hamburger,

 or the weirdo who gave their hamburger to a stranger?

Read the blog and cast your vote! If you haven't taken a look at Kim's blog yet, please stop by! She is like the big sister who has all her shit together, while I'm the little sister who is still a struggle busing hot mess. One day, I'll be on her level. But till then...stop on over and enjoy a good laugh, compliments of my inability to say no to strangers =)

 (If you like what you read, you can also read my first guest blog for Kim here, too!)

And don't forget...tomorrow...I announce my first ever blog link up =) 

My Oscar Lover

It's the Monday after the Oscars, so like every other blogger I'll be talking about....THE OSCARS. Couple points:

1. Overall--I thought this Oscars was beautiful! The stage setup was gorgeous with all those lights, and everyone was dressed so classy! I thought Seth did a great job of making it entertaining, keeping it from being too hoighty-toighty and serious. 
2. Seth--I know a lot of people are calling him out for bringing up Rhianna and Chris Brown but I've always been on the side of Jenny Johnson in continuing to call this man out. Domestic abuse is a serious issue, and if it takes continuing to call this man out awkwardly at public award shows until people realize that no, we shouldn't just leave them on their merry way and let him continue being a psycho who isn't held accountable (except with "community service." Are you kidding me? You beat the shit out of your girlfriend and all you have to do is community service?), then I'm for it. America always downplays domestic abuse and doesn't like talking about it (understandable, it's a rough subject--no pun intended).Bring it up, and continue to bring it up, until it gets addressed. 
3. JLaw--way to trip up the stairs. You proved that 20somethings everywhere are a force to be reckoned with, and that we will add to the world in amazing ways...but also very clumsy, awkward ways. 

3. Hugh and Brad--Every woman's pants heart in America dropped when you leapt to help her. 

4. Michelle Obama--really? Really? My main complaint: it's not an American awards show. So don't get on a soap box about your new initiative to keep arts in the schools in America. I'm all for the message, I just think the presenter was completely unnecessary and did not help facilitate the message. 

5. Christoph Waltz--I'VE DATED YOU. No, seriously, guys, every time I look at him...deja vu all over the place. 

Anyone? Anyone see the resemblance? Here are a few more for good measure:

Anyone? Anyone? Oh sweet Mary, mother of Abraham Lincoln, the memories are just rolling in now...he is gonna go Chris Brown if he ever finds this blog. Anyways, I dated Christoph Waltz. And that is your Monday Morning Gossip.


(ALSO...other BIG GOSSIP...stop by later this week as I reveal my FIRST EVER LINK UP with Whitney at The Observant Turtle.)

Christoph is intrigued and wants to know 

more about my link up...do you? Check back soon =)

Meet Kate: Kid Post #1

Today at work (I work at a church nursery a couple times a week, part-time), I was asked to be the one-on-one shadow for a boy with Fragile X Syndrome. My first response was to be deeply humbled and grateful  that they thought I would be good at something like this--followed by a complete wave of fear that I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. Then, I thought of the first experience I had working with special needs kids as a counselor at SpringHill Camps (the world's greatest camp in the world's greatest state, Michigan. Seriously--if you are looking for somewhere to send your kids where they will be cherished, loved and have the best week of their life look no further).

Kate had Downs Syndrome, and was assigned to my tent that week along with her designated, official Special Needs Counselor. For the first half of the week, I felt like a failure. Kate claimed that I hated her and would constantly run away from me and hide behind trees. I'm not sure how it changed, but right at the halfway mark...Kate switched from calling me "monster" (seriously) to "mama." She would run into the counselor's little shower cubby place whenever I was in there and scream "MAMA! Hurry UP!" The time I was allowed to be out of her site became 30 seconds, and everything was "30 more seconds, Kate, I have to go to the bathroom, "30 more seconds Kate, I have to take this kid to the clinic."

Kate soon developed a favorite game. She would fly through the air, landing on her bunk bed, and at the last second I was supposed to catch her by the ankles and pull her backwards. Fly, catch, pull. Fly, catch, pull. Repeat. Here's the problem: 1) children with Downs Syndrome are just naturally heavier than other children at that age. Kate weighed more than I did (and continually took advantage of this by tackling me to the ground in her excitement--or any other mood she felt); 2) that week we were staying in MASH tents...the ones where the tent walls are kept loose and untied so that they could be rolled up to let the air through. So...sometimes....I couldn't catch her in time. Which meant that Kate went flying through the air, over her bunk bed, and out the tent wall onto the ground. Kate thought this was hysterical and begged to do it over and over. However, I can assure you that my boss did not find it as hysterical to walk past our tent and see the only special needs child inside flying out of the wall and popping up with leaves in her hair. Even if she was laughing. Oh camp....Oh kids =)

My other favorite story about Kate is when she announced during campfire that she had to go to the bathroom. I took her over to the port-a-potties and stood nearby, waiting for her when slowly I hear...singing. She was singing all the same songs as the kids at the fire...just on a one-song delay.

Five minutes passed and I was like "KATE, what are you doing in there??" 

To which she promptly replied "I'm peein' and poopin'!" 

Logical answer. 

Five more minutes went by. "KATE, what are you doing?!?!" 

"I'm practicing my math facts!" 

Indeed, you could hear her, slowly reciting multiplication and addition tables. 

So, here's to hoping that as many cute stories and connections can happen with my newest kid =) I absolutely adore working with kids, so look forward to more 'kid posts' in the future! They say the best things =)

Finally making the switch from monster to mommy. Big deal.
(Squinty eyes get out of control when I'm ecstatic)

Addendum to the 5 Assholes You'll Date in College

The following are a few addendums to my post "The 5 Assholes You'll Date in College." 

Addendum A: The Alpha Male Looks Like This

I was supposed to read for my alumnae book club last night. I even went to the bookstore and everything so I could focus. But then, I saw the Total Frat Move book. And I just couldn't help myself. And while part of me shuddered at the bad publicity that will come for the Greek System from this atrocious novel...the other parts of me couldn't help laughing. Especially when I found this page.

Cheers, pledge master, for making my last semester so hysterical with your stupid stories. I hope that you're installing the same type of fear into all the opposition soldiers you're off fighting, somewhere. Because as you said..."I'm a soldier, disguised as a nerd, disguised as a frat boy. I'm a fucking badass"

Appendix B: This is why we don't listen to Adele

Under Asshole #3: The Heartbreaker, I encouraged you not to listen to Adele. A friend sent me this video shortly after reading it and I have to agree--this is why we don't listen to Adele at times like that! (However...Adele is also a big role model during times of break up. She took her break up and turned it into 11 Grammies. She gave one big middle finger to her ex, an example to girls everywhere. So, maybe I should say that if you're going to listen to Adele after a break up, listen to her Grammy acceptance speech and not her album.) No I mean really, look, she just gave a big middle finger. And snapped.

I imagine her saying at this moment in her head: "I'm the only one who can make flipping someone off look classy and like an action others should aspire to. Snaps to me."

Anyways, this video is why we don't listen to Adele and is sure to brighten your Saturday =)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11RZIDNN4pk
(Guys, I'm struggle bussing with this link. Click it for SNL's funny skit on Someone Like You with Emma Stone! Yes!)

Now this is the Adele you should get to know and love:

Sassy bitch knows what she got. 

Adele, as I say over and over, you're my top betch. You know who I'd like to see in a room together? Me, Adele and Khloe Kardashian. 

Friday Letters

Dear Missouri children: You appear to have super warfare germs. I believe that if a nuclear bomb hit America, you would still survive because you are terrifying and indestructible. This would also be good because you're very stocky and pure-American and would repopulate America quickly. However, I'm still scared of you.

Dear Lena Dunham: Why did you write a show about 20somethings to celebrate being a 20something and encourage 20somethings to embrace it and enjoy it, but put it on a channel most 20somethings can't afford? Thanks for educating the 40somethings who can afford it about what it's like to be 20something.

Dear Missouri Governor: This was my face when you declared a "state of emergency" when I could still see the grass (wooooaaaaah crazy snow storm!),

but regardless--thanks for the snow day.

Dear horror movie previews: stop popping your way uninvited and unexpectedly into my living room while I'm innocently watching the Kardashians. 

Dear Target: You win again. Resistance is futile.

Dear Hair: Thanks for the reminder this week that you do not like any hair products whatsoever. In line with this, thanks for being so agreeable and just laying flat and pretty most of the time.


Linking up with The Sweet Season for Friday Letters!

Hot Mess: The Ombre Life

Well kids, it's that time again. Time for another rousing edition of Autumn's Unreal Life where you both laugh and cringe because you're not quite sure whether to be best friends with her or pity her. It's also that time where I stop referring to myself in the third person.

So for about a week now, I've been seeing those ads for ombre hair dye. I always wanted ombre hair, but was too broke chicken to go get it done at an actual salon. Plus, why pay $80 for something you can pay $8 for (don't answer that--there are many, many reasons)?! All day at work, I was looking forward to my after-work Target shopping spree. I had been saving my Christmas gift cards for a worthy occasion, and the occasion had come. Finally, went my cart was overflowing and I found myself questioning if it would be possible for me to push TWO carts at once, I decided it was time to go. But not without the final purchase: ombre hair dye. Dun dun dun!

Here I am in step one, remaining skeptical but hopeful that this will not make my hair turn hideous and result in having to chop inches and inches off:

Here I am in step two, beginning to seriously doubt that this dye is doing anything rather than releasing toxic fumes:

So, after leaving it on for the maximum amount of time (45 minutes), I took it out, washed it with the enclosed "special" conditioner (which smelled disgusting), wrapped it soaking wet in a bun and went to bed. In the morning, I woke up and it still smelled DISGUSTING so of course I showered, wrapped it soaking wet in a bun and made a bee-line for my car lest it freeze into icicles and break off (has anyone ever actually had that happen?).

I get to work and start telling people how much it did not work, until one very wise coworker goes "But Autumn, have you even seen it dry yet?" Uhhhhhh...cue awkwardness.

Who sits at their cubicle waiting for their hair to dye so they can see how it actually turned out? This girl. Sad to report, it doesn't look different at all. Maybe one shade lighter, tops. Apparently I can put straight up bleach on my hair for 45 minutes and only go down one shade...leading me to believe that I have SUPER NINJA HAIR.

Alright, I'm off to enjoy my ADULT SNOW DAY!!! YAY!!! Gonna cook me some spaghetti, grab a good book and relax! Hope you're all having a wonderful day!

Only the second documented snow in Missourah this winter!

Sentimental Seattle

It's true, the Bachelor made me sentimental this week. I could barely focus on Sean catching the fish because I was too busy jumping up and down on the couch screaming "I've done that! I've done that!" And, since Wednesdays are allowed to be completely random, I've decided to reminisce about my time in Seattle. Sometimes I forget how lucky I've been in life and how many cool things I've actually gotten to experience so far. I get so busy harping on myself for the future, I forget to congratulate myself for the past.

 




So, without further ado: Seattle Favorites. 

Favorite people in Seattle: The housemates I found on Craig's List two days before driving across America by myself.

Instant kindred spirits who supported my constant desire to see how long I could go without grocery shopping by always making heaping pots of food, showering me with love and pissing me off by playing fooseball 24/7.

Elliott - who never thought it was weird that I wanted to climb into hobo tents we found on the beach, and made sure I never sat in my room alone in a strange city for one day. Though he promised he'd show me seals...and he still hasn't.

Favorite weekend trip: traveling up the coast to Ruby Beach

Camping at Ruby Beach. I saw a small child climbing the rock in the right and kept demanding "Where is your mother?!?!"

 Favorite view: From the top of Rattlesnake Ridge

 Favorite spot downtown: Pike's Place Market (but then again, who doesn't love this spot??)
I can still smell the gyros, pastries and flowers now. I love the crowds, the happiness of everyone and the mad chaos.

Favorite street performer: this guy. At one point he balanced the guitar on his chin while playing AND hula hooping!

Favorite place to tan: Mt. Rainier
First of all, I didn't see Mt. Rainier on the horizon for nearly a month. And then out of nowhere I saw it. I went into work and was like "guys, what is that huge white thing?!?" Either way, a few of my fellow interns and I decided to go on a day hike there (a blog post in itself). We were completely unprepared (read: I was in leggings and tennis shoes and the boys were in shorts), but we were determined to play around on a mountain we could only see once. We were Midwest kids finally in our comfort zone: snow. We spread out a tarp, took a nap, and for the first time all summer...woke up tan.

 Favorite fireworks: over Puget Sound.

 Favorite random friends: my coworkers. My friends tell me I have a knack for meeting the oddest people, and suddenly forming friendships. These women, immigrants from Columbia, were no different. We quickly became friends and they taught me all about boudoir photos, hula-ing, immigration problems and Colombian pregnancy myths. I was there when the one in the middle renewed her vows (she had originally threatened her boyfriend that if he didn't propose she would get deported, and always felt guilty for not having a big celebration), dancing the night away on a harbor with a pink sky and mountains in the background. Oh and I won $8 from the lottery ticket she put at all the center pieces because they were "lucky in love." First time I've ever won money from the lotto!

Of course, I could go on and on about my favorite places: parks, restaurants  coffee shops, dive bars, grocery stores where creepy 40 years old men hit on you, and restaurants specializing only in buffalo but...gotta save something for a rainy day ;) Thanks for reading! Where are some of your favorite places?

Random Wednesdays--what's your random?

Teaching a Bachelor to Cook

Meet Michael. Or as I like to call him when I'm feeling especially frisky fine, Miguel. Miguel is....a bachelor. *Cue horror music*

I believe that the final pre-cursor to most men settling down and getting hitched is that they simply cannot stand living in a bachelor pad anymore. When Michael first visited my apartment, he walked around touching everything really gently like it was a museum or a showroom.

"You have pillows on your couch," he said.

"Yeah, throw pillows."

"Pillows just for decoration."

He was in wonder. I was like Michael...you too can have throw pillows. They will cost you $8 at WalMart. You too can have a couch that looks classy and comfy and inviting. But for some reason, men just can't pull it together like that. They will wear out their clothes until buttons are hanging on by threads ("You can fix that?!?!" he said in shock), there is nothing but beer in the cupboard, and their furniture is really just smaller pieces of furniture precariously stacked upon each other (i.e. Michael's "desk" is actually a piece of plywood stacked on top of an old TV and a filing cabinet).

So. The time came where I was like listen, Michael, I'm not ready to get married, but I can give you the next best thing. Let me teach you how to use a CROCK POT.

It seemed to me like the crock pot would be every bachelor's dream. Set it, and leave it. Come back from work...boom. Instant homemade meal. And the options are endless. It's so easy. So I sent Michael some links for simple, 3-ingredient crock pot recipes. 

Well, Michael was A) scared the crock pot would burn his apartment down if he left it on while he was gone, so naturally he B) cooked everything only at night (which defeats the purpose of having dinner ready) but then he got C) scared the crock pot would burn his kitchen down so he D) moved his bed so he could sleep outside the kitchen and watch it until he E) gave up.

I'm proud to say we overcame this hurdle and he now trusts the crock pot will not burn his apartment down. 

Then came TEACHING MICHAEL TO USE RECIPES. I sent him a 3-ingredient recipe for stroganoff. Beef, stroganoff mix, and mushrooms. Boom. Done.

"I can't find the stroganoff mix."

"It's in the spice aisle right next to all the other mixes. Like taco mix and chili mix and stuff."

"Where is that?"

"Ask an employee." (Michael, for as lovely as he is, seems to have this idea in his head that a map of any grocery store anywhere in America--keep in mind we live a good 700 miles apart--is tattooed on my ovaries)

So that night we're Skyping and I say, Michael, how is the recipe going? He gets all shame-faced and admits that he couldn't find the stroganoff mix, so he bought some other things. But he thinks it will be really good. Michael's 3-ingredient recipe: Beef, tomato soup, and some sort of meltable cheese. He calls it "Saucy beef." I call it GAG ME. 

Still, we recovered. He did good. Stuck to 2-ingredient recipes. Chicken and cheese. Can't go wrong. But then he got adventurous. 

"I'm super excited for my next crock pot meal."

"What is it?"

"I'm experimenting," he said. 

Oh sweet baby Jesus no. "Oh that's great! What did you put in it?"

"Cream of shrimp, green peppers, beef broth, and some chicken."

First of all, what is cream of shrimp and what do people even use that for?!?! Second, why would you ever combine liquid forms of both SHRIMP and BEEF??? Your crock pot is not Red Lobster or Outback. Stop.

Anyways, ladies, point being: Michael is still a bachelor and sometimes he does manage to feed himself.

"Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime."

"Give a bachelor a crock pot, and he'll stare at it in suspicion for a day. Teach him to use it, he'll still go to Taco Bell."

Addendum: Michael is a very nice boy, and he does many, many nice things. Including letting me mock him publicly about his crock-pot issues. However, don't let his crock pot shame be for nothing! Click the follow button =) 

The 5 Assholes You'll Date in College: Part Two

This post first appeared on my Wordpress account. Since I'm switching to blogger, I'm bringing some of my favorite posts with me. If you missed part one, you can find it here. Also, these posts are just my sarcastic, sassy take on these things. While I like to mock my exes, I can honestly say that there's not one I wish I hadn't dated. If nothing else, they provided entertainment ;) Kidding!

3. THE HEARTBREAKER

 Otherwise Known As: The Serious Boyfriend, The “One,” Teddy Bear

Potential Characteristics: Jock, hates mushrooms, suspiciously single, loves dogs, calls his grandparents weekly, from Ohio, history of dating girls who turn out to be lesbians, suspicious lack of enemies, rational, likes girly television shows

Most Common Heard Phrase in this relationship: “I just want to make you happy.”

Average Length of relationship: 1.5 years

Average Length of time to get over breakup: 1 month for every “tradition” you shared, or ¾ the length of the relationship

Well, ladies, it’s that time. The #3 spot on the 5 assholes you’ll date in college goes to the much anticipated, always regretted: Heartbreaker. After dating some JFs and some OIPDs, you’ll finally run across him—usually at a party or on a porch while chilling with some friends. And your first thought will be: “He’s so normal!” After JFs and OIPDs, this boy is going to seem like a gift wrapped by God himself with a large blinking light. He will be sweet, but not overly sweet. Religious, but not beating himself (or yourself) with a Bible. You will be stunned by just how very normal he is after all the weird people you dated.

You’ll be in a daze. Every country song will suddenly apply to your life. Cloud nine will be your new residence. You will have more fights than are normal, but you won’t notice. Your girlfriends will assure you that normal couples fight, and that’s what makes your relationship grow stronger. You’ll meet families, kiss all the time, make your first batch of cookies for a boy and even carve your first “couple’s pumpkin.” Classic signs that you’re dating a Heartbreaker is when everything either becomes a “First” or a “Tradition.” First pumpkin, first dance, first holiday, first anniversary, first 2 month anniversary, first 3 month anniversary. Hey ladies, guess what? It’s also your last 2 month anniversary. It’s both your first, and your last….so stop counting.

The “traditions” are what will kill ya. Please, for the love of God, limit your traditions. The number of TV shows you watch together, the restaurant you go to for date night every week, and every other weird couple thing you only do with each other will become a tradition. So limit them. Because when you break up, those traditions will be haunting nightmares. Personally, I think a good average is that every tradition you share amounts to one month of time to get over in the breakup. So limit them. Because I can tell you from experience, catching up on three months worth of the Kardashians, Revenge, and Community is a bitch. (Also, why would you ever trust a boy who is watching the Kardashians with you? Seriously? Take a hint. There is something real wrong here).

Anyways. Back to the story. You’ll be inseparable. You’ll talk about getting engaged. You might even actually get engaged (hopefully not). And then wham. Without warning. It will end. Most people say we all have to experience one great heartbreak in our life in order for us to appreciate real love when we find it. Whatever.

Now, I can’t tell you that my personal breakup with the Heartbreaker taught me to appreciate true love. Maybe yours will. What I can tell you, however, is that it taught me an even more important lesson that I will carry with me for the rest of my life: If a man at any point in his life has ever dated a woman who then turned into a lesbian, DO. NOT. DATE. HIM.

I like to call this “part-time lesbian problems.” Here’s the deal. Once a man has had a girl date him and then be like ‘eh, I think I like women’….there’s just no going back. He will be permanently fixed on switching her back. It’s a male pride thing, I guess. They just can’t handle that a woman would rather kiss another woman than them. And hunny, you ain’t ever gonna get over that. So just stay away from them. That will be their fixation, and nothing you do will be able to stop that. So, watch out for the part-time lesbians. Heads up: they’re usually softball players, gym teachers, or from Ohio.

Signs this relationship is ending: Sudden “depression,” “work homework,” (I’m sorry…but what job gives you homework?) or if he says he “accidentally dialed his mom’s number instead of yours”

Classic Heartbreaker break-up line: “I don’t deserve you. You’re just too good for me.”

Fast ways to get out of this relationship: Talk about your need for a promise ring

Break-up song to help you get over it: “Sail” by AWOL Nation; “Undo It” by Carrie Underwood; “Wide Awake” by Katy Perry. DO NOT LISTEN TO ADELE.

****

4. THE ALPHA MALE

Otherwise Known As: The Rebound, The Hottest Guy You Know

 Potential Characteristics: Frat boy, found at the gym, only eats protein powder, originally began as a rebound, good kisser, uses the phrase ‘casual monogamous relationship’ a lot, speaks multiple languages, immensely patriotic, likes Greek yogurt more than a sorority girl, has mono

Most Common Heard Phrase in this relationship: “I don’t think we need titles to define what we have here”

Average Length of relationship: What relationship?

Average Length of time to get over breakup: What break-up?

The AM usually starts as a rebound from the Heartbreaker. Alpha Males are exactly that…very….male. Remember when we were mourning the loss of men earlier as we dated an OIPD? Well, you found one. He will work out, have an intense sense of ‘duty,’ and be overly patriotic. He will even like babies. You’re going to be freaked out.

Now, for sorority girls or girls looking to ‘casually date,’ this is your perfect option. He will always understand when you have sorority stuff to do or would rather hang out with your sisters because let’s face it, he’d rather hang out with his bros too. A classic sign you’re dating an AM is when you catch yourself actually having fun dating. You won’t be arguing about theology, you won’t be stabbing your eyes out because he follows you like a puppy dog, and you won’t be arguing. This relationship will be characterized by something even more mind-blowing then the theological example in #1: calmness.

For girls, this is the kiss of death. When something is calm, we freak out. Surely there must be a hidden fetish? A secret girlfriend? A dead body under his couch? Why is he so chill?!?!?! Ladies. Chill. Enjoy. Don’t over question. One of the best things that comes from dating an AM is that you will learn that boys really don’t like to play games and that if they want or need something, they will straight up tell you. Sometimes, the honesty of an Alpha Male border on rude. Especially to girls, because we are just really not used to this.

Take advantage of this unique relationship to be yourself. Really. What? I know. There’s a unique aspect to this relationship that allows you this freedom. It comes from knowing this: You will never marry the alpha male. Trust me, ladies, he’s got a whole lot of villages to go plunder and terrorists to shoot before he’s ready for marriage. He is literally your knight in shining armor, but the part they don’t tell you in the fairy tales is that those knights had to go out and pillage a lot of lands to A) get rid of all that alpha male energy and B) even get that shiny armor in the first place before they were ready to swoop up their princess. But they skip that part in the fairy tales because eh, it’s boring (I’m bored already).

So back to the point. Take advantage of this! Do you know how much freedom this brings you? Ladies, it’s insane. It’s like the freedom you feel taking your bra off every night. Instant relief. You can be yourself. And, it’s baggage-free. Usually, because these relationships are short. There’s not enough time to drag out your past relationship scars, daddy/mommy/divorce issues, neurotic tendencies, and phobias. So just relax and enjoy. Rent the movies you actually want to rent, feel free to turn down his restaurant option, and eat more than salad in front of him. 

But true to Alpha Male form, the break up will suck. Remember when I said they’re straight to the point? Yeah. That means that when they don’t want to see you, they just won’t answer the phone anymore. So, take it for what it’s worth and don’t expect anything more. If you’re reading this right now while currently ‘dating’ an AM, that’s the best advice I can give you: don’t expect anything. Take every minute for exactly what it is.

Signs this relationship is ending: Graduation

Classic Heartbreaker break-up line: Unreturned phone call

Fast ways to get out of this relationship: Talk about your need to Define the Relationship

Break-up song to help you get over it: “Riding Solo” by Jason DeRulo

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5. YOURSELF

Potential Characteristics: Single, confused, female

Most Common Heard Phrase in this relationship: “Should I buy the white wine or the red wine tonight?”

Average Length of relationship: Your entire life

Average Length of time to get over breakup: …

Embrace it. You won’t be single forever. So do what you want to do. Eat cookie dough without shame, buy yourself wine, have fun doing things that you want to do. And during this, you’re going to learn the most important lesson: every single part of you is desirable. And the right man will take and love all of it. Be comfortable with yourself, and you’ll realize how much you’re worth. You’re worth everything. You’re beautiful and smart and funny and fun.

So date yourself, and get to know yourself. Because after that, no relationship will be the same.

Be confident, and the rest will fall in line. You have all your life to date your husband and do his laundry and accept his Valentine’s day presents, but you only have a little bit to play by yourself.

You are the hero of your own story.

Signs this relationship is ending: Death

Classic Heartbreaker break-up line: —-

Fast ways to get out of this relationship: Chain smoking, incessant tanning, or skydiving without a parachute

Break-up song to help you get over it: —-

The 5 Assholes You'll Date In College: Part One

Note: this post originally appeared on my Wordpress site, but since I am switching to Blogger I wanted to bring some of my more favorite posts with me. Enjoy!

1: THE OVERLY RELIGIOUS ONE

 Otherwise Known As: The Homeschooler, The Innocent One, Prophet of our Time

Potential Characteristics: attended a homeschool co-op, only listens to Christian music, carries his Bible everywhere, instead of a date asks you to church, thinks he’s at college to convert people not study, thinks he is God’s favorite man but is too ‘humble’ to admit it, attends a liberal arts college, Mama’s boy, wants to be ‘different’

Most Common Heard Phrase in this relationship: You really believe that?

Average Length of relationship: 2 Weeks

Average Length of time to get over breakup: 2 minutes

Here’s how this relationship works. You usually start out as ‘just friends.’ This self-described JF (short for "Jesus Freak," which he pulled from the same title DC Talk song--stop, we were all fans you know it) will inevitably use his friend group as the browsing grounds for potential mates. He will hide behind the phrase ‘I just want to be friends’ until he is has found his prey and is ready to pounce. Your first ‘date’ will most likely be a walk around campus.

From this relationship you will learn that any and every topic can be related back to Jesus and your moral stance. Once,  a JF I dated convinced me that going to see the political satire "W" was actually supporting abortion and showing my moral relativism. Like I said, mind spinning. 

You’ll go on a lot of group dates during this time. And you’ll get in a lot of theological arguments that unfortunately never lead to hot makeout sessions (boo). The good side of that is that you’ll be forced to think on your feet, and you’ll have a permanent store of answers for the next time you’re trapped in a theological debate.

Now, the most important person in this world to Homeschooled JF will be his mother. This is a hurdle for most of us girls. Unfortunately, that mother will always see you as the enemy. There is really no getting over this. Until the day you pop out a perfect blond-haired baby that looks just like hers on, she will doubt whether you are of any use to her son. My advice on dealing with mamma’s boys is just not to bring the topic up. Should you ever be in the same room as her, just always picture her as a pastor’s wife and your decorum will be sure to be appropriate.

Fortunately, this relationship will come to an end. 

Signs this relationship is ending: “I was talking to my mom….” “How do you feel about homeschooling our…your children?” “I think God put you in my life for a reason.”

Classic Homeschooled JF break-up line: “I just can’t be your Jesus.”

Fast ways to get out of this relationship: Carry a Catechism around

Break-up song to help you get over it: Just turn on the radio to anything but the Christian station and you’ll instantly feel alive again.

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2. THE OVERLY INVESTED PUPPY DOG

Otherwise Known As: The Stalker, The Well-Meaning One

 Potential Characteristics: Health condition, lack of male friends, lack of father figure, mamma’s boy, Methodist, drinks Sprite, owns more polo shirts than a sorority girl, Velcro wallet, missing balls, stalker

Most Common Heard Phrase in this relationship: “I can change.”

Average Length of relationship: Too long

Average Length of time to get over breakup: .2 seconds

It’s a sad, sad time to be dating in this world. I know that most of us are mourning the lack of jobs, the lack of reliable political figures, or the lack of religiosity, but let’s focus on what’s really important. The lack of men.

Now I have a tendency, it’s true, to accidentally run over people who don’t have spines (metaphorically, dipshit. I’m not running over handicap people with my car). I just can’t help it. They’re just so whiny and annoying and they never stand up for themselves. It’s so annoying. That is the OIPD in one word—spineless.

The most annoying part of dating an OIPD is just how much he’ll actually love you. His very smiles will begin to annoy you. You’ll wish he didn’t think everything you did was so perfect and cute. You’ll actually begin to purposely try to do things you would never, ever do just to piss him off. He will call you non-stop to check on where you are, but not in the overly possessive way. It’s like an unexplainable soft, overly-possessive way. Like a stalker wrapped in glitter wrapped in tulle trying to give you a lollipop way. If he calls and you’re out with your girlfriends, he won’t even be jealous. He’ll just ask if there’s anything that you guys need. More wine? A DD? A chick flick? Starbucks? Tampons?

A classic sign that you’re dating an OIPD is his high level of involvement with your friends. When you skip the cafeteria dinner, he will still sit with them. He will know their boyfriend problems, their best friend problems, and their girl drama before you do. He will be their go-to male opinion.

When you try to break up with him, he will convince you that he can change—just give him another chance! 

Before you know it, you've been won over by his puppy dog eyes and are dating for another two weeks. Girls, if you’re in this relationship, just end it. Let him go be a good boyfriend to someone who will appreciate his mushy heart.

Signs this relationship is ending: Whenever one of your friends says “I’m just gonna text your boyfriend and ask him his opinion on ________. He always knows what boys are thinking!”

Classic Overly-Invested Puppy Dog break-up line: Girl, he will never break up with you, therefor he doesn’t have a classic line.

Fast ways to get out of this relationship: Just end it. Quickly.

Break-up song to help you get over it: “I’m Still a Guy” by Brad Paisley


Be sure to check back for Part Two tomorrow! And if you enjoyed, please help show the love by clicking the GFC button =) What do you think? Have you ever dated one of these two types of boys?