Guest blogging for me today is Michael, the bachelor who thought his crock pot would burn down his apartment! As you all know, I am obsessed with Khloe Kardashian and Adele. I think that both are amazing, sassy, classy ladies who are admirable in the way they keep it real and don't take shit from anyone. So Michael has gone above and beyond in writing a schedule of what it would look like if Khloe, Adele and I went to brunch. (Hopefully someone besides me thinks this is hysterical. I've bolded the really funny parts but...I think it's all funny.)
11:47: Adele arrives 13 minutes early because she is a classy betch. Shoos away 3 men and the waiter.
11:50: Autumn finishes 10 minute power primp sesh, hops in the car and PT cruises over to lunch.
11:54: Adele writes Grammy award winning song about the man she just pushed away. Well all four of them.
11:56: Adele wonders why no one has asked her for a drink order. Drinks water to sooth her recently healed angel face voice.
11:59: Autumn arrives. Tells Adele that if this place only serves crepes that she will “choke a bitch.” Decides to order lobster.
12:01: Autumn decides to order a steak.
12:04: Autumn reads entire menu to Adele in an over exaggerated commercial voice because she can’t decide what she wants to get.
12:06: Autumn enters a food rage. Violently grabs Adele's hand and forcefully asks why they haven’t taken her order yet. Adele is unsure.
12:10 Lamar drops Khloe off, wine glass already in hand, after whispering sweet nothings into each others’ ears.
12:12 Khloe wanders around restaurant. Tells random passerby that she is “dressed like cat woman.” Orders a drink but is refused because she already has one in her hand. Reminds bartender that she has been to prison. Adele runs to her side for help.
12:15: Autumn and Khloe lock eyes from across the restaurant - the only thing other than greasy food that can calm her mid food rage.
12:18: Autumn coordinates what everyone orders to ensure a variety of choices for all parties, and so she doesn’t have to decide on one thing. Begins live tweeting the occasion out of sheer joy from the thought of the food arriving. Khloe orders drink.
12:21: Autumn reminds Adele and Khloe that they are all soulmates and best friends. In real life and on twitter.
12:24: Autumn and Adele bond over how boys are stupid. And how they are both sassy and quote ‘know what they got.’ Khloe and Lamar repeatedly text each other.
12:30: Food arrives. Autumn successfully resists shrieking from excitement. Khloe orders drink.
12:34: Adele sings. Restaurant breaks down into tears, yet simultaneously feels empowered. Seven breakups occur, and a man is healed of diabetes.
12:40: Autumn orders a drink ‘with vitamins.’ Waiter has no clue what this means. (side note: I have a strong and completely misplaced belief that any alcoholic drink that tastes like mangoes has vitamins and is therefor healthy)
12:44: Khloe says she hears the pitter-patter of a dinosaur. It happens to be the waiter who has returned with the wrong drink for Autumn.
12:46: Khloe figures out that it is the wrong drink, promptly runs to the kitchen and calls the waiter an ‘silly evil bitch,’ and can’t be reasoned with until the whole meal is paid for.
12:51: Leaves kitchen and fist bumps a stranger at the bar.
12:54: All leave and swear to never eat at a brunch place again. Waiter reminds them that it is not in fact a brunch restaurant but they hear none of it.
Lookin' fly in our brunch outfits!
Nothin' like a good stroll in the park after brunch!