On Being a Hot Mess

Let's whip out the honesty stick here. 
Why is it that the honesty stick comes out at the worst time? Like the day after you tell someone you actually know about your blog and that they can expect witty sass every day...and now already on day two you're letting them down. Susan, don't look at me in the hallway. Keep your eyes down. I'm sorry.   Sometimes, I am a hot mess. 

Here I am trying to take a bloggy picture,

but really just falling down some stairs.

The type of hot mess who doesn't unpack until the last minute. 
The type of hot mess who would rather turn her moving boxes upside down as makeshift nightstands and tables and shelves rather than buy permanent furniture. 

For ten months I've lived by the phrase

"If you put a big picture in front of it, no one will know."

Unfortunately I didn't have a big picture for the other side.

And recently, the hot mess who finds herself bawling her eyes out alone in her car at a stop sign. I caught myself thinking I haven't had a steak in a year. I haven't had a steak since I moved away from home. And that was it. Cue the water works. Not to be helped by the perfectly timed country song, Red Rag Top. 
But as my good friend Amanda (of #livedating fame shouldprobablygetherownaboutpagenow) said: If you're crying about a piece of red meat, you're probably not crying about a piece of red meat. Am I right?
She was right. Mostly I was crying because periods of transition are stressful. And I keep myself in them longer than I should. That awkward limbo between decisions? That spot where doubt, insecurity and stress run rampant? I need to learn to get out of that spot sooner. But I hate making choices and I would rather keep planning for all potential options as long as possible. But let me tell you, it's hard to make plans and fight off those evil little buggers called doubt and insecurity at the same time. 
It's about dreams. Broken dreams. Not the desolate, down in the dumps, utterly hopeless crushed dreams...but just the every day, transitory, goodbye to this stage, goodbye to this part dreams. It was about putting so much time and so much energy and so much effort into a dream...and having it break anyways. It's about putting these dreams to bed, and saying goodbye to the ones that guided me, goaded me, enchanted me, led me. Dreams that occupied me. Dreams that consumed me. Now their spot is done, and it's time to move on and get excited about the next set. 

Hot mess. 

The unseen shots before you get one blog-quality photo.

Lately, I'm the huge hot mess who's access to money has been cut off for approximately 10-14 days (thank you, man in India who stole my debit card information.). All my bills will be late. And it's forcing me to eat only from my fridge, which in a way is kind of refreshing. But at the same time, I'm really sick of eating tortilla shells. I don't know what I thought I was going to do with all of these tortilla shells. Save them for a broke day? Buh dum dum. 

So. That's where I've been. I couldn't be witty today. Because sometimes, I'm just a huge hot mess.